Saturday, November 22, 2014


After I got used to working again and Kal was in school full time and we just barely were in the swing of things, Zay had this urge to make a change himself. He has been bored and unhappy in his job lately. He knows he's destined to do so much more in life than retail jobs. Seriously. I knew this for many years, but it took longer for him to come to the realization that he needed to step away from "jobs" and work towards what HE wants to be when he grows up... a social worker. He has so much potential, but little self confidence sometimes. But that's been changing lately.

After a lot of thought and long discussions and talking with our Bishop and lots of prayer, we finally decided that Zay should go to school full time and get his education NOW while he has this opportunity. He's been taking a couple classes at a time for years now. But he needs to focus and go full time. NOW. Not later. Not dragging it out any longer.

It's one of those things that we've kind of had on the back burner. Just in case we had another baby come into our family... one of us would need to stay home. So we've been working and working, trying to save enough money to 1) afford adoption or fertility treatments and 2) make it so that one of us can stay home when baby comes. Zay just can't not work. It's in his personality. If he's not off at a job, he's at home cutting hair on the side.

But we can't just wait around to see how the baby situation plays out. I am pretty positive we WILL add to our family in 2015... somehow, someway. But we can't live our lives revolving around that idea, because in reality we have no idea when that will happen. We have to press on with our lives without that hovering over us. Just live. Right here and right now. And do the things we've been holding back from doing.

And that means Zay gets to quit his job and go to school full time next semester. No matter what that does to our finances. No matter how scary that might be.

Me finding the job that I did and Zay deciding to finish his degree definitely pushed back moving-to-Georgia plans. I knew it. I knew if we said out loud that we'd move to Georgia in a year, something would happen to change it. I could've sworn I was gonna chill out with Kal for another year and pack up our minivan and drive it across the country. But instead, I'm working. Kal's in school. And so is Zay. Soooooo, I think we'll be here for awhile longer.

It's the best decision for the long-term and for investing in our future. Retail jobs have been holding Zay back, a comfortable/easy thing for him to do... but not something that he enjoys or means something for him. He's been afraid to take that step... to quit and walk away and allow himself to do something more meaningful, but scary. He's also super disappointed in himself for not going to college right after high school. But we all make dumb decisions when we're young and we just have to forgive ourselves and start again. Even if that means taking classes with 18 year olds when you're 32, going on 33. He can do it. He's been doing it. And I'm excited for him and for what this will mean for us in the future. :)

Bye, bye Best Buy... It's been a good run.

My 29th Birthday

I was actually sick on my birthday this year. Completely wiped out. Thought I was dying. The whole family was sick actually. I went back in my journal to see if I had written anything on Sept 27th.... but nope. Not worth remembering. Lol. I wrote on Sept 20th and then again on Oct 4th. No mention of my birthday at all. Ha. Well, that's okay. I did have photographic evidence, though:

I slept that entire weekend. And was somehow miraculously better Monday morning... in time for work.

I'm 29 years old. Daaaaaaaang, brother. (<-- Joe Dirt voice) That number kinda struck me. Like... I'm gonna be 30 next year! Once you're 30, you can't blame things on your 20's anymore. You're like.... an official adult. And you have to do grown-up adult things. Right? What do grownups do anyway? Talk about mortgages? I'm still renting, sooooo.... hmmmm... I can't be an adult yet!!

It also reminds me that I'm not getting any younger. And sooner or later, my eggs are gonna dry up and die. Lol. But seriously. I keep thinking like I have all the time in the world to try and get pregnant. And I put off fertility treatment for years and years. And now here I am trying to approach it in a gentle, healing manner. Which is the right thing to do for me, I think. But it's something I should've done when I was 18... not verging on 30. Ya know? So I'm contemplating bringing out the big guns as far as fertility is concerned. But not quite yet. I need a tad bit more patience first.

My co-workers decorated my desk and got me yummy chocolate cream cake, so that was awesome. :) Annnnnd, I can't remember anything about my birthday. Just yummy treats, the flu, and my biological clock ticking. That is all.

The Race

I posted this on my FB not too long ago (and then had to listen to unsolicited advice... blah) about our "plans" (which really aren't set-in-stone plans but a doing-whatever-we-can-and-see-what-happens kinda thing):
Because I'm spotty with my updates and not everyone reads my blog, here's some clarifying: We want a baby, dangit! Or at least want to have more than one child, however that comes about. Kal deserves a sibling. So far we've only focused on one thing at a time to make that happen (trying to get pregnant, trying to adopt, thinking about foster care, back to trying to get pregnant, back to trying to adopt)... So now we're just opening every door possible and seeing what happens. I'm doing some hormone-replacement therapy to regulate my hormones and hopefully allow me to get pregnant one day. Ten years of trying is getting old, but these new meds give me hope. The agency we used to adopt Kal won't be doing adoptions anymore at the end of the year, so we're updating all our paperwork with them and transferring it to a new agency that I'm excited about and have high hopes for. It'll probably take several more months to get all that moved over and approved with the new agency and then it'll be back to waiting for a good match with an expectant mom who wants us to parent her baby. Then there's the foster care option, which is more about providing a safe home for a child while their parents get their act together, which could lead to an adoption if they don't. Or straight up adopting an older child who is already available for adoption from foster care. We want a baby, but I want to be open to considering other options, so we are in the process of getting foster licensed as well. There are eight 4-hour foster care classes to take, paperwork, etc to become licensed foster parents. I've taken 5 of the 8. Zay has had time to take 0 so far, just because of the class schedule conflicting with other things. Since that's gonna take forever and a day, we're not gonna stress it and just progress a little at a time. Now it's just a race to see which one of these 3 things brings us a child first (fertility, adoption, fostering-to-adopt).... whew! So, that's the story. 

Which one's gonna happen first???

Part of me thinks I'm crazy to do all of the above instead of focusing on one thing. But we have tried to decide on something specific we wanted to focus on and have come to NO conclusions. Seriously, we could imagine any of the above happening and we'd be perfectly happy with that outcome. It's weird. Usually one path stands out, but now ALL the paths stand out. At first we were super confused, but now we're just going to DO ALL THE THINGS and leave the real decision-making to God because we don't know where to go from here.

I could totally see us pursuing more fertility treatments. I've been reading through a handful of infertility blogs from start to finish (stories that end in pregnancy and a baby!) and those types of stories get me so pumped up. I'm trying to be patient right now, because we need to keep doing what we're doing right now to get healthy first. But come 2015, I'm hoping we will have more answers and a plan going forward about more aggressive fertility treatments. Because I've got the feeling that gently coaxing our bodies along is going to take FOREVER. And my biological clock has begun ticking loudly in my ears and I'm ready to get a move on.

I could totally see us adopting a newborn again. I found a volunteer matching service for LDS families who is super excited to advocate for us, as currently we're they're only family of color (I've gotta remember to make some hard-copy adoption profiles soon to send to them) and we're still working on making that transition from LDS Family Services to PACT. I'm so excited about this. Super positive that opportunities are gonna come our way through adoption again! I have a love-hate relationship with adoption because there's so much ethically that goes into it. I just wanna make sure if/when we do adopt again that we're doing it the right way and working with the right people.

I could totally see us getting foster licensed and being a temporary home for one or two kids Kal's age and younger. And inquiring about children already available for adoption through foster care (I spend quite a bit of time looking at the sibling groups available that don't get adopted very quickly because they have to find a family who can take all of them). I know we're supposed to do foster care. Know it in my bones. Zay knows it too, but is afraid to jump into it... so he's slow-poking. But it's just something we know is for us... we've just gotta learn more and get on the ball about it.

Soooo, yeah. I may be all over the place with my posts and people might be confused about what we're doing because we are doing ALL THE THINGS. (except international adoption - that's something I haven't completely convinced Zay to do... yet. Ha ha.)

Zay texted me at work the other day. He's been getting more and more sad that we haven't added to our family as quickly as he'd hoped. But we'll get there!

I say "back in school in January" because Kal dropped down to two days a week instead of 5 and Zay's been watching him temporarily. There's been a lot of changes going on lately!

People Drive Me Nuts


Now I remember why it sucked trying to get pregnant years ago...
  1. because my body just WON'T GET PREGNANT
  2. I hate taking pills... shots would be worse...
  3. fertility treatments are expensive
  4. annnnd... people get on my nerves with their advice
This quote pretty much sums it up:
Between me and my fertility-challenged friends, we've been told that having long hair causes miscarriages (when your hair is too long, all of the nourishment goes to your hair and not a baby), if you buy a new mezuzah, you'll get pregnant without any issues, you should stop jogging, douching is the key to conceiving or the ever popular, "just relax and you'll get pregnant in no time!" line.
The fact that your friends or relatives think they can tell you why you're not getting pregnant when your reproductive endocrinologist (who specializes in infertility) can't, never ceases to astound me. I saw some of the top doctors in Manhattan and I assure you, if any of them believed that my husband wearing his socks made any difference, they would have mentioned it.

Infertility is an actual medical issue. Imagine you're speaking to someone who has been recently diagnosed with diabetes. Their blood sugar levels are high and they are worried about it. Would you say to them, "Have you tried going on vacation?" or "Don't think about it so much and your sugar level will drop on its own!" You wouldn't. You know why? Because it's dumb and you're not a doctor.

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