Monday, December 15, 2014

What NOT to Say


For a few years there, I felt like I avoided all the infertility talk. Like I had graduated from that club. We adopted, our son looks like us (so nobody just assumes off the bat that we're an adoptive family), we weren't actively pursuing any fertility treatments at all, and I didn't have to endure too many ignoramuses commenting on my body or my husband's or our ability to make a baby. It was nice. I had never felt driven to make my own babies anyway. Adoption is where it's at, yall! :)

This year has been the year of getting back into the fertility game. And I sure don't like it. But trying to adopt a second time has been one big letdown after another. And Kal needs a sibling and he's gonna be FOUR in March. And time keeps on ticking. And omg, what if my eggs dry up and die??? Shouldn't I REALLY try one more time to use them??? Eeek! What if it would've only taken a few IUIs to get pregnant? What if it would've only taken one cycle of IVF? Shouldn't I care that I'm getting older? Should I be freezing my eggs or something? AhhhH! Fertility madness/ biological clock ticking.

I'm a pretty open person. If someone asks how I'm doing, I'll tell 'em what I'm up to. So, this year that meant I was trying to get healthy so I can make a baby and deciding if and/or when I should pursue more aggressive fertility treatments (I sure don't wanna do IVF, but I'm thinking it might be our only option, really). If it's on my mind constantly, that's what's gonna come out when you ask me how I'm doing. And it's on my mind constantly.

Now I'm just thinking I should keep it to myself. Because people's advice and opinions drive me nuts and I shouldn't open myself up to the nonsense anymore. I know a lot of infertile people DO keep it to themselves and they feel alone and depressed and don't have a clue that there are many, many people in the same boat as them. I don't feel that way. I know I'm not alone. I'm not depressed. I've got the whole infertility acceptance thing down. I know where to find my infertility community when I need 'em. I just hate being the spokesperson for it... for people who don't have a clue and don't know what to say and wanna pat me on the head and say, "Awww... it'll happen." I just can't even deal with that right now. I'm over it. So, my mouth is shut for awhile. It ain't nobody's business. I'm taking back my uterus. It's no longer up for discussion. (In real life... cuz I'm sure I'll still talk about it on the blog, ha ha).

In case you're here and you don't know how annoying it can be to be patronized by people when you mention your infertile status, here's an analogy...

"So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?" (author unknown)

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!

2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralyzed, but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.

7. So... when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!

9. But don't you *want* to walk?

10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.

11. You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.

18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. ...And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running...




Thursday, December 11, 2014

Wait, Wait, and Wait Some More

"Gimme Gimme!" -- What About Bob quotes

"I need! I need!"


I'm in a big fat waiting period. Most days I'm enjoying the present and loving on my little family and being my normal happy, giddy self. And then some days I'm like, "Oh come on!... Gimme gimme, I need I need!" But infertility means I don't have control and I can just take my control issues and shove it, basically. And I practice my patience all over again. If I don't master patience by the end of my life, then I've failed, ha ha. I've had plenty of opportunities to practice it.


Wait
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You say, wait!" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes', go-ahead and sign,
or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe
we need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taught
and grumbling to God, "So, I'm waiting... for what?"

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want--But, you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see
You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of the infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that "My grace is sufficient for Thee."
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer is still, "WAIT."

 -- Author Unknown




Wednesday, December 10, 2014

They Break, You Know

When I think about foster care, I wish I could do more. But right now I'm not able to. Zay isn't going to be able to get through the classes for us to get licensed in any kind of timely fashion. I had one more class to take this month... and I skipped it. I don't know why. It just felt pointless, I guess. Because Zay's school schedule is going to keep him from being able to attend foster care classes at all until at least next summer. So for now, it looks like 2015 won't include us becoming licensed foster parents. In the far off future, yes... but for now, it looks like fertility or infant adoption are our options for growing our family. Foster-to-adopt is lagging behind in the race to baby #2.

I'm re-posting something I read today. Stories like these are the reason why I want to be involved in foster care. Why Zay wants to become a social worker in general. I have a hard time finding words to comment on this, except that it makes my heart shatter. And I feel so guilty trying to get pregnant and thinking about and planning to do in vitro (that's what we were/are gonna do at the beginning of the year, not sure). When there are kids who need families now. And I selfishly want to make my own. That doesn't feel right to me. It's confusing.

Sad lonely kid

They Break, You Know


It was something about the phrasing that got to me. Something about the cadence of his words, the staccato of his speech.

“Nobody loves me. Not even my mother who gave birth to me.”

It is an odd turn of phrase, isn’t it?

Not even my mother who gave birth to me.

He was buckled into the backseat of my Toyota, still too little to sit up front. At seven he had already moved more times than the total number of years he had been on the earth. And this time, like the times before it, he moved with his belongings in a trash bag. A suitcase, at least, would have added a small degree of dignity to the whole affair – to being “placed” in another and another and yet another foster home before reaching the 3rd grade. Trash bags break, you know. Trash bags can’t possibly support the contents of any life, and certainly not a life as fragile as this.

They break from the strain, eventually.

This move was harder for Stephen than most. It was a home he thought he would stay in, at least for awhile. He had felt affection there. When I went to pick him up, after his foster mother gave notice that he could no longer stay, he came easily with me; head down, no reaction on the surface of it. It was only when he got into my car that he began to sob the kind of aching sound that leaves you limp in its wake.

He could barely get out the words. Nobody loves me. Not even my mother who gave birth to me.

Months later, in a repeat scene (another foster mother, another removal), he would put up a fight. He would run around the living room, ducking behind furniture, refusing to leave. But on this night he had no fight in him.

That was Stephen at seven.

Nine-year old Stephen grips his report card in sweaty hands. We’re headed to an adoption event, where we will meet families who want to adopt an older child; families who do not automatically rule out a boy like Stephen with all of his long “history.” And he wants to impress them, these strangers. He wants to win them over, and so he brings his good report card along as tangible proof that he is a child worth loving.

A child should never have to prove they are worth loving.

Twelve-year old Stephen tells me that I’m his best friend. I’m his social worker, and he should have a real best friend, but I don’t say this to him. We’re at a taping for Wednesday’s Child, the news spot featuring children who are up for adoption. Stephen is engaging on camera. Maybe somebody will pick him this time. Maybe he is offering just enough evidence, at twelve, that he’s a boy worth loving. And he is lovable, truly. But it is not enough. A family never comes.

Years later, long after I’ve left the agency, I get an email from my old boss asking how I’m doing, and ending with a short P.S. Stephen is in DYS lockup after running away from his foster home. You need to adopt him.” My stomach drops. I’ve had this thought many times. I should adopt him myself. But I don’t.

I heard about his murder from a friend who had seen it in the news. Shot outside a party over some foolish dispute. Dead at 18, dead just as he became a man. Not my Stephen, I prayed. When I realized that it was really him – that it could be no other – I sobbed gripped by the kind of anguish that leaves you limp in its wake.

The newspapers ran very little about the murder, as if it were an afterthought. Barely worth a mention, really. Anonymous strangers posted nasty comments online: “Just another gangbanger,” they said. You don’t even know him. You don’t know the first thing about this boy. You don’t know that as a child he would trace letters into my back with his finger to pass time at the doctor’s office, asking me to guess what phrase he was spelling out. “I ♥ U” he traced between my shoulders, the last time we played this game.

Stephen had been wrong, that night in my Toyota. His mother did love him, in her way. She was there, at the funeral. She greeted me kindly. I think she knew I loved Stephen as I knew she did. We both failed him in the end, and that joined us I suppose. Neither of us could give him a family.

There were no photos from Stephen’s childhood at the funeral home. No images of the green-eyed boy with the sweet smile to remind us of what had been lost. There were no pictures of Stephen with his brothers, and so I printed up snapshots of the four boys together, taken on a supervised visit, and brought them to the funeral to give to the family. It was something I could do, against the larger backdrop of nothing I could do.

There were very few social workers at the funeral, and none of Stephen’s many foster mothers. Stephen spent more of his life being raised in the system than out of it. If you claim legal responsibility for a child, you best show up at his funeral. You should show up when he dies. He was yours, in a way, wasn’t he? You owe it to him. And if he did not belong to you, then who did he ever belong to?

His mother was there, at least. His mother who gave birth to him. I hear the echo of his voice from those many years ago.

Somebody does love you Stephen. I want to tell him. But it’s too late.

Stephen was the one, for me. The one who embodied all the failures of a system so broken that to heal it would take far more than the casts that heal the literal broken bones of the children growing up within it.

They break, you know. These kids we leave behind. Eventually they break.

November is National Adoption Month. For information on adoption from the foster care system, visit the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption.

*Stephen is a fictional name for a real boy the world lost.




Monday, December 8, 2014

Feelin' Like Myself Again

Anybody tired of me talking about failed adoptions and how they ripped my heart apart and left me distrustful and anxious and paranoid and bitter and sad and just a wee bit crazy??? Yeah, me too. But it sucked and completely took the wind outta me and I've been healing with a whole lotta self-care. ... And what about my thyroid? Tired of hearing about that too? Yeah, me too. But it's something that I'm aware of now and am actively trying to treat... so, I'm healing.

I finally feel like I'm completely rested... restored back to my usual chipper, happy, goofy, hyper self. Which is weird, cuz I'm working now and I should be exhausted, right? Nope. I love my job. I feel like myself again, except now I've got stay-at-home mommyhood under my belt. I feel like I did that justice and I'm so happy to see Kal doing well at school now. Our time at home together ended on a happy note.

Trying to get pregnant this year has been an interesting experiment. I'm super into supplements now. I've learned a lot about our fertility issues. Got some important things done - like an ultrasound to confirm that I actually do have PCOS (yep, I do), an HSG test to check my fallopian tubes for any blockages (nope, none), finding a good doctor to help with my thyroid and hormonal imbalance, etc. I didn't get pregnant, but I feel better. I'm eating better. I'm exercising again. Baby steps (no pun intended).

Taking care of yourself can feel selfish, but I'm getting over that. I said "no" a lot this year. And I'm much better at that now. I don't have to do everything for everybody and all at once, I have to remind myself.


Big de-stressors from this year: finding a new home for our cats, moving to the place we're living now, saying "no" to people requiring more things of me, putting Kal in pre-school, finding an awesome job, Zay quitting his, etc. This has been a really good year for making positive changes to a better quality of life, better health, and better overall happiness for us.

Baby stuff can stress me out, so I probably shouldn't have focused as much time thinking about it as I have, but that's okay. There's a reason we keep hanging in there with adoption and a reason we keep prepping our bodies to make a baby. There's a reason we keep being nudged towards foster care. Something is going to happen. 2015 is gonna be our year. All these changes we're making are preparatory to something happening, I'm just not sure what that is yet.

Now that I'm rested and feelin' like myself again, I've got all the energy in the world to take on whatever life is going to bring me. I've got a little bit of my faith in humanity back. I've got my motivation back. Might even be a tad bit hopeful. :) Even though we haven't been able to decide definitively how to pursue growing our family (from day-to-day we change our minds), we're ready for something.

We're waiting for something to stand out. For God to show us which way to go. For something big and obvious to happen so we'll know. But whatever that is... whatever story God is writing for us, it's gonna be awesome.

Quote: www.loveisallyouneed.me




Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The Butterfly Circus


In one of the foster care classes I got to go to, we watched a short film called The Butterfly Circus. It was a tearjerker! (Totally worth a watch. It's only 20 minutes - watch it!) Then we had a great discussion about the worth of a person and related it to the worth of each child who ends up in foster care. It has nothing to do with foster care, but some great parallels can be made... about how much of a difference we can make when we see and encourage the potential in every person/child and actually care and give someone a chance and a place to be themselves, even when their life has been hard and they may not trust you at first. It was a very interesting and heart-piercing discussion and confirmed in my mind the love and dedication required of foster parents... and how I know I need to be involved. I just know it. There's probably no greater work I'll ever do... that's why I'm afraid to get started! :)



 "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God" (D&C 18:10)




Sunday, November 30, 2014

Halloween 2014

Kal is obsessed with Power Rangers. "Dino Thunder, power up! Ee-YAH!" He got a Power Rangers costume for his birthday way back in March and insisted that he wear it several times a week since then, to bed as his pajamas, and then as his Halloween costume. It was an absolute disgrace by Halloween. He ripped the butt, stained it by eating spaghetti in it, and small holes and "runs" in the fabric were popping up everywhere. It was faded and falling apart. But I let him wear it. And I was embarrassed. Ha ha. I just didn't have the energy to fight him about it. I got him some accessories to go with it and he was so happy. I let him get one last use of it because he loved it so much and then I tossed it in the trash as soon as we were home on Halloween night. Bye bye, Power Rangers. I'm starting to get sick of ya.

We made a jack-o-lantern earlier in the week and "dressed it up" with hair and a hat and called it a witch. It rotted into a creepy old lady face by Halloween. I like creepy old lady faced jack-o-lanterns. :)

We went to Best Buy's Halloween party. It was nice to have that one last time to say goodbye to everybody and since then Zay has been so happy about leaving that job and taking a break until school starts full-time in January. And by "break," I mean he's only taking one class right now and taking care of Kal most days and cutting hair as usual. So... it's a break for him, because he's constantly working and now he actually has time to pause and enjoy time with his family. We're so glad to have him home!!!

We went to my work party too. It was fun. It's been a few years since I've been in a work environment where people dress up for Halloween. I didn't want to be a party pooper, but I felt totally unprepared for Halloween this year. Last minute I decided to be a "fork in the road." It was easy and cute. :) One of my co-workers came in a home-made pinata costume and it was pretty dang cute! She joked that her husband wanted to carry a bat and wear a shirt with a pinata on it that said "I'd hit that." But it seemed inappropriate... like domestic violence or something (like the Ray Rice costumes that were popular this year). But I thought it was hilarious. I totally thought wearing a Hazmat suit would've been awesome because another co-worker of mine was freaking out a little bit about Ebola and she cracks me up... she's a believer in some conspiracy theories too and she always has me giggling.

Kal and Zay got to meet all my co-workers. I was so proud of my desk, ha ha. I showed them with a big sweep of my arm, "And here's my work space!" :) I remember I used to say how much I wanted my own cubicle one day. I'm all about having an office job. An office is way better than a cubicle, by the way. I share an office with two other ladies, but one day... ONE DAY I'll get my own! Like a real fancy pants business woman! I was so happy to have my boys there. We ate pizza and sat around and talked, but not too long. Who wants to stay longer at work than they have to? Ha ha.

We had a trunk-or-treat at Church and a chilli cookoff on actual Halloween night. I took Kal mall trick-or-treating and Zay stayed home and watched basketball (or something) and passed out candy. It was a pretty fun Halloween this year! Next year I'll try to think ahead and really dress up. Zay never dresses up and says he's going as a minority for Halloween. Lame. Ha ha. Kal wanted so bad to "dump" his bag of candy just any old place but I got him to wait till we got home before he dumped it all out and we went through it all. I took some of the good stuff. Good thing he doesn't like chocolate... weird kid. :)

Witch jack-o-lantern.

Going through his stash.

Hanging out with Wolverine.

Zay's work party



Totally cracked up at the girl who dressed like a polygamist for Halloween. So wrong. Ha ha.

Cool idea to fill gloves with water to make ice shaped like a hand!

Kal and his terrible outfit. Zay even left Kal's shorts on underneath and you can see them. HA HA.

Halloween bag station for the kids at my work party.


Costume winners at my work. Love the pinata costume!


Have no idea what I was laughing about. Ha ha.





A neighboring business invited people from my job to their Halloween party as well. It was pretty cool. And good food!


"Fork in the Road" Halloween costume.


He immediately spotted every other Power Ranger and had to be best friends with them in that moment.



Ridiculous amount of Elsa and Anna costumes were out and about this year. It was nice to see a different Frozen costume (she's a troll)!






We were at the mall and Kal saw these girls taking pictures in the photo booth. He totally crashed their party and they were excited to have him join them. He is such a flirt.


Old lady witch face jack-o-lantern.

Kal's favorite book around Halloween was "The Biggest Pumpkin Surprise Ever." But he'd get the story mixed up with Curious George's Halloween episode about the creepy headless scarecrow called "No Noggin." He points to this scarecrow and starts talking about No Noggin every time we read this book. It's so funny. :)




Saturday, November 29, 2014

Patriarchal Blessing

Photo: www.lds.org

Zay got his patriarchal blessing earlier this month. For my LDS friends, you know how important and exciting this is! He has been holding out on getting one until he felt ready. Or worthy. Or something. That time finally came and we've got an awesome Bishop who encouraged him and got him to get the blessing now rather than put it off. Cuz he needs it now and it'll be significant for him for the rest of his life.

One of my journal entries about it, a week later:

"Zay's patriarchal blessing was so beautiful! Besides Kal not sitting still and being quiet for the whole thing, it was so perfect! I was impressed with how the Lord sees Zay. He's a choice spirit! :) It was so nice to hear. We picked up his paper copy on Saturday. It's sitting here by the computer in an envelope. My favorite part of the blessing? That more children will come to our home. Point blank, it said that. That relaxed my heart. That's the Lord's promise to us. I can calm the frick down. Because He's on our side. I have that peace and comfort now. I don't have to wonder or worry or think He's not there or doesn't care about the things that we care about. Because He has told both of us separately that we will have children in our home. More children than just Kal (not that he isn't amazing and THE BEST THING that has ever happened to us). We don't have to panic or feel like it's all on us to make something happen. Because He's made us a promise and it WILL happen. We still don't know the timing, but since we know it WILL happen, we can relax and go with the flow and know that God will fulfill His end with Perfect Timing. That's an amazingly peaceful feeling to know that. Everything is going to work together for our good and thankfully God has told us specifically that children are a part of that plan. I can stop fighting and worrying and struggling so hard. I can just be. God will be moving mountains on our behalf. I am so happy to know it doesn't have to be all in my hands. That He is still in control. Life is so much better when I remember that He hasn't for a second forgotten about me. It's not on me to make this happen alone."

Since then, I've seen him quietly reading his blessing over again. I hope it's a comfort and peace to him throughout his life like mine is for me. For those who don't know what a patriarchal blessing is, the best way I know how to describe it is that it's personal Scripture. Specifically about our individual life and purpose and promised blessings for living the Gospel. We each have a divine purpose, a specific purpose. And it's nice to get a glimpse at that and to hear God speaking directly to you... in words, on paper. To return to over and over and feel that Spirit and see yourself through God's eyes. The blessing is given by the designated Patriarch in the area - a calling, just like I was called to be a Den Leader in the Cub Scouts and Zay was recently called to be a Sunday School teacher to the 16-17 year olds. Part of the beauty of a patriarchal blessing is that most of the time the Patriarch has never even met you before. But you show up, share some pleasantries, invite the Spirit with a prayer, he lays his hands on your head and proceeds to pray a beautiful prayer over you with so much detail that you know it is from the Lord, who knows you intimately. It's a beautiful experience, that's the only way I can explain it. It's recorded and then transcribed so that you can read it later.

Zay got this blessing at a point in time when he was really struggling with our infertility and the bumps on our adoption journey. Just the week before we had taken a walk around the Church grounds and talked about how he's been feeling lately. That infertility blows. It's hard. It doesn't make sense and it's not fair. It was so nice to walk in the crunchy Fall leaves and get out all our feelings about infertility and adoption and what it can do to a person emotionally. He admitted he thought at one point in time that it was a sign of our incompatibility. Like nature didn't intend for us to be together. I took it in stride - didn't offend me. I was just glad he was opening up (more than he usually does) and letting me in on these feelings. Really hard feelings. He just wants what "everyone else" has and doesn't know why it's so hard for us. My ridiculous optimism came out and I told him our plan was going to work. We were going to adopt again AND get pregnant AND do foster care and it's gonna be awesome. Our hearts are gonna be full and our home will have lots of children one day, to the point where we're gonna wonder why we wanted so many kids up in our house!!! Lol.

It's going to happen for us. I know it. End of story. But I let him keep talking. To get it all out. And then a week later he was given such a beautiful promise. So many concerns of his were addressed so specifically in his blessing that it was like a spiritual lightning bolt hitting us in that room that day. If I wasn't grinning the whole time, I'd have been crying.

We celebrated by eating dinner with new friends - a couple from Church. Some good authentic Mexican food! And Kal fell in love with the wife - he loves pretty girls, ha ha. They played together and Kal had the time of his life like he always does, jumping on the couch with her and wrestling. We played a Pictionary-like game. It was fun! That's basically how Mormons celebrate anything - really good food and board games. Ha ha ha.




Friday, November 28, 2014

Fall Fun

Going through pics on my phone...

Arrow of Light cookies at Cub Scouts.

Snacks at foster care class.

One morning before work, I saw a BUNNY!!! I tried to chase it, but it scampered away.

He's mastered this thing. I'm thinking he may be off the training wheels by age 4!!! We'll see.

Peeking in on his pre-school class.

Zay getting mad at me for taking pictures. Ha ha ha. At a friend's house watching boxing.

These early mornings are no joke. HA HA.

Zay, barbering it up.

We're growing his baby 'fro out and it's SO CUTE.

At a friend's luncheon after their baby's blessing. I <3 food.

Folks at the baby blessing, admiring the baby. He's such a cutie.

Halloween wreath. Creepy!

Awesome food.

Kal pointing out that the kid next to him is a boy. Good observation! Ha ha.

THIS LITTLE CHERUB!!! I want one! He's the baby who was getting blessed.

Kal saw this big moon over the mountains and was excited about it!

Checking out the moon.

Pics I get texted to me while I'm at work...




He was dancing around to Britney Spears until I brought out the camera and then he got upset.

Showing me what he wants for Christmas.

Trying on his new suit. STUD.

Playing Plants vs Zombies.



Figuring out how I want to put our family pictures on the wall.

Weird creepy moon that lit up the clouds. Wish I knew how to take night photos!

Grumpy butt, getting up for school. Fruity pebbles!

I try to make a real breakfast every once in awhile.

Showing off his dinosaur.


Kal's very unorganized bookshelf that we pick books from every night. Of course he has a picture of Batman & Superman, Jesus, and his birthmama on the top shelf. :)

Beautiful sunrise I get to see every morning before work!

Kal exploring with a friend while the neighbors pick their grapes. I love the smell of grapes on the vine.



Favorite place to ride his bike - the empty Church parking lot during the week.


Selfies on my bike.

Yeah, this happens sometimes.

Off to a hay ride with friends!! At the Red Barn.

Terrible picture, but the only one I got on the actual hay ride. Ha ha. They also had go carts, slides, and pumpkins.

Got soda, ice cream, and cheese at the Red Barn shop.





That was a fun night!

Lots of presents coming in the mail that Kal thinks he can open today but I hide them in the closet for Christmas. He's learning patience. :)

Trying to stay up with the big boys watching sports. Can't cut it.


Kal & Zay like to go out to eat while I'm at work. They've been spending a lot more time together lately since Zay quit his job.


Ways couples show that they love each other... when I get pics like this.



Lots of stark white (not even a LITTLE pregnant, ha ha) pregnancy tests I've been taking. Laaame.

My "Eat, Drink, and be Crabby" cup I use at work everyday.

Lots of late night dancing goes on in this place.

Waiting for Zay to get out of class.

The gear. I love my '90s jean jacket.

The cutest thing ever... little boy in footie pajamas.

I totally won some makeup in a blog giveaway. Woot woot!

This fall hasn't been so bad. Wish I were pregnant, dangit. But all the other fun things will have to do for now. Cuz life is good the way it is. :)




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