Thursday, November 19, 2015

Lost the Desire to Blog

I've been wanting to pull back from posting things out on the Internet for everyone to see. I value my privacy more now than I ever have before. Too many people read my blog from my personal life and I don't like not being able to control who sees what. I needed a break, so I backed away for awhile. Sorry, not sorry for leaving you...

I don't know how much story to share when most of it is not my story to tell. I can't write when I feel shushed or conflicted about what I should or shouldn't say. It's just annoying. I can't really be myself in this space. Maybe I should just start fresh somewhere else? Anonymously? I have so much to vent, so much to process, so much that I need to get out of my system. Posting somewhere anonymously could be fun and give me a little freedom in my writing. Or should I make this blog private and only invite who I want? That would take a lot of fun out of it, but would give me a lot of control.

Starting a story and not finishing it is annoying too. So I'm sorry to anyone who has been following along and likes to see updates. I'm terrible at this and wish I was a better storyteller. I know I kind of left a lot of things hanging and unsaid. I wish I had taken advantage of this space and turned it into something awesome, or at least a true reflection of our lives. But that's impossible and I give up. Basically.

My husband wants nothing to do with social media, so I've been slowly posting less and less about him and keeping pictures of him off the internet as much as I could contain my over-sharing self. All I post on Facebook is pictures of the babies. It's easy to share with family (and their birth families) that way. There are reasons why I want to shut that down too. I need to take a step back, reel it in, and focus on my immediate family for awhile - meaning me, the hubby, and the kiddos... and no one else. I need to cocoon around them right now and be in our own little world. Stay back, folks. Bonding is happening here!

We have three children. It is every bit as amazing and exhausting that I thought it would be. That is our life now and I feel like we've finally moved from empty to full, unhappy to happy, anxious to settled. This is how it was always supposed to be... it just took time. And now apparently, that is the end of the desire to write here.

I feel lame about all that. But I also sort of don't care. Ha ha. Just being real.

I feel like the very least I could do is post some pictures, dangit! So I will do that and leave this here until I figure out what to do with all this. If you have something to say that you've been wanting to comment and ask or say or whatever, now would be the time to do it because sooner rather than later I am OUTTA here! :)

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Baby #3: Because We're Certifiably Insane & Extremely Lucky

I have not had the time or energy or motivation at all to blog lately. Not at all. But if anyone has been following along and doesn't follow me on FB/ Instagram.... we have 3 kids all of a sudden! Three boys to be exact. I can't believe this has actually happened, but it has. And I haven't wanted to talk about it here in this space. But I probably will eventually. Just not right now. I need time. In the meantime, here are just a couple of pics. Meet new baby boy Lamar Tyrese, joining 4 year old big brother Kal-El Rashad and 4 month old big brother Shakir Malik. :)

My boys. :)

I think of them as my 3 Little Ducks.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Post-Placement & Finalization

Those first few weeks after we brought Shak home were 1) exhausting and 2) emotionally complicated. We hung in there and knew they'd pass. And they did. It got much easier once we processed some things and recognized where some things were coming from.

For example, I felt disconnected from Shak and I think it was tied to actually seeing him be born. I thought that would bring me closer to him, but it kind of freaked me out and then I didn't bond with him immediately. It was an odd feeling, because I could differentiate between that and how much I loved him. I knew I loved him and he was just perfect. So when I felt the odd "I don't want to be in the same room with him" feeling and would let Zay handle all baby things while I took care of Kal... I knew it wasn't based on anything logical and that it would pass, but it felt weird.

When we had our post-placement visits with our caseworker before finalization, we talked about that. And she pointed out that it's totally normal to feel that way after witnessing someone else give birth to your child. That really resonated with me... I'm so glad I was so involved at the hospital and I got to be a part of so much (that was amazing and I'll never forget it), but it also put up a wall in my heart because I actually witnessed his first mom and her sacrifice and connection to him. I knew that being his everyday mom would never make me biologically related to him and I'll always share him with her in a way. Something about seeing his birth just made that stand out more for me and it's something I had to think about and process. When our caseworker pointed that out it made me relax and give myself time to grieve my infertility once again.

Since then I've had plenty of moments of one-on-one time with Shak, getting to know him and familiarize myself with his face and make the connection that I'm mom and he's mine. It came. I just had to be patient. Now that bond is as fierce as it ever was with Kal and you better believe I would stab somebody in the eye over him if I had to! Lol.

One month old:

at church

Big ole feet

giving me that mean face

It's just crazy how well he complements our family and how he just slid into place and announced, "I'm here!"... yep, he's ours. He literally hollers to announce his presence and it is so awesome. The loudest, most hilarious cooing I've ever heard. Singing, really.

We had two post-placement visits and had them sent to the lawyer at the agency in Kansas. He went to court at the beginning of April and gave us a call to tell us he had news... we've gotta keep that baby. :D ... Waiting less than two months to finalize his adoption (when normally it would be six months in Utah) was awesome and just perfect... because if Baby #3 was going to be coming in the summer, having Baby #2's adoption completed in the nick of time just felt like divine intervention.

Zay says this is Shak's "this is some bull" face... P.S. - we need to get a new Bumbo (or two), because back when we had cats, they scratched the crap outta this one!

Friday, June 19, 2015

Kal's 4th Birthday + Shak's Baby Shower

Kal turned 4 in March. His birthmama and I always share in the excitement over that day. She's so proud of him and thinks he's as amazing as I think he is. :)  He moved up to the 4-year-old preschool class at school.

We had a party! Shak had been home a couple weeks, so it was a "welcome home baby" shower as well.

These boys adore each other.

Since we were celebrating both of my boys, I wanted a theme that could be for both of them. I picked dinosaurs. We had a cutesy dinosaur cake in honor of the baby and a more cool/scary dinosaur cake for the big ole 4-year-old!

It's always fun to get so many people together and get to catch up. Shak got passed around. That's the best part about waiting to have a baby shower until the baby's actually here... so everybody can love on him. :) Real babies are way better than theoretical babies!!!

Kal had fun too. He wishes everyday was his birthday so all his friends can come over everyday like that. He's a super social kid. Everybody has been so awesome and supportive and helpful. I'm still using diapers from that baby shower. And I have wipes to last me through the millennium! From thinking Kal would be an only child to having Shak here with us finally was a humbling, bring me to my knees kind of gratefulness. He's so perfect and I love that sucker to death.

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