For example, I felt disconnected from Shak and I think it was tied to actually seeing him be born. I thought that would bring me closer to him, but it kind of freaked me out and then I didn't bond with him immediately. It was an odd feeling, because I could differentiate between that and how much I loved him. I knew I loved him and he was just perfect. So when I felt the odd "I don't want to be in the same room with him" feeling and would let Zay handle all baby things while I took care of Kal... I knew it wasn't based on anything logical and that it would pass, but it felt weird.
When we had our post-placement visits with our caseworker before finalization, we talked about that. And she pointed out that it's totally normal to feel that way after witnessing someone else give birth to your child. That really resonated with me... I'm so glad I was so involved at the hospital and I got to be a part of so much (that was amazing and I'll never forget it), but it also put up a wall in my heart because I actually witnessed his first mom and her sacrifice and connection to him. I knew that being his everyday mom would never make me biologically related to him and I'll always share him with her in a way. Something about seeing his birth just made that stand out more for me and it's something I had to think about and process. When our caseworker pointed that out it made me relax and give myself time to grieve my infertility once again.
Since then I've had plenty of moments of one-on-one time with Shak, getting to know him and familiarize myself with his face and make the connection that I'm mom and he's mine. It came. I just had to be patient. Now that bond is as fierce as it ever was with Kal and you better believe I would stab somebody in the eye over him if I had to! Lol.
One month old:
|Big ole feet|
|giving me that mean face|
It's just crazy how well he complements our family and how he just slid into place and announced, "I'm here!"... yep, he's ours. He literally hollers to announce his presence and it is so awesome. The loudest, most hilarious cooing I've ever heard. Singing, really.
We had two post-placement visits and had them sent to the lawyer at the agency in Kansas. He went to court at the beginning of April and gave us a call to tell us he had news... we've gotta keep that baby. :D ... Waiting less than two months to finalize his adoption (when normally it would be six months in Utah) was awesome and just perfect... because if Baby #3 was going to be coming in the summer, having Baby #2's adoption completed in the nick of time just felt like divine intervention.
|Zay says this is Shak's "this is some bull" face... P.S. - we need to get a new Bumbo (or two), because back when we had cats, they scratched the crap outta this one!|