Monday, November 23, 2009

The Lord's Timing


The hardest part of trying to have kids (for a control freak like me) is the fact that... when it comes down to it... it's all about the Lord's timing. You can do everything perfectly, but that won't guarantee you a pregnancy. Or you could be on birth control and you get pregnant anyway. Or you can adopt and then get pregnant as soon as the adoption's finalized. Or you can think about giving up trying and then you get pregnant. Or you could have a healthy pregnancy, but deliver your baby prematurely... or have a miscarriage or a stillborn. Okay, I'm freaking myself out here a little bit... but the point is that the timing of bringing a life into the world is not something that we can ultimately control... even with the best caution (to avoid pregnancy) or preparation (to get pregnant and stay pregnant), most of the time our fate is up in the air and God really is the only one in control.

And sometimes the Lord's timing can seem sooooo slooooooooooow! Ha ha. I'm trying not to let it drive me nuts. I wish I could get a glimpse at the timeline He has for me, just so I can stop worrying and wondering. That way I'd be able to make plans for the future and have a general idea of where I'll be in 2 or 5 or 10 years...

I am happy that I got all the way through school first. I didn't always see that as a blessing, but I know now that I wouldn't have been able to handle kids while going to college. It would've been too much for me... and I probably would've dropped out... or pulled a Britney Spears and shaved my head bald. Whichever came first. I just don't see how so many girls at BYU get pregnant year after year without having a nervous breakdown in the testing center during finals week. But anyways, now I've got a great degree to fall back on and I'm proud of myself for accomplishing that. God knew what He was doing.

I'm also happy that I've had so much time to get to know Zay (we dated for 3 years, but that wasn't good enough!). Our 8-year relationship has given us plenty of time to know each other through and through... without the added stress of trying to work together to take care of another human being (except for the time my brother was living with us... ha ha). We're in a much better position today than when we first got together. Much more mature and ready. I think God knew that and has been very merciful to me by not giving me what I want when I want it. Zay too! He's wanted kids with me since I was 16! Ha ha. Hold your horses, buddy. It's not time yet, obviously.

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