Tuesday, December 1, 2009

On My Bad Days...

Photo: www.borrowingwisdom.blogspot.com

This infertility journey is a rollercoaster of emotions. One day I'm just fine, the next day I can't stop crying about it, then I'm good again and actually find some amazing perspective, and then I find myself super angry at the world. Yeeeeah, I don't know how much longer I can handle the ups and downs.

Everyone in Utah is pregnant, I swear. It's a joke that LDS people have babies every 6 months rather than 9, but sometimes it doesn't feel like a joke. Ha ha. Actually, judging by the number of bad little kids I see running around at Target all the time, I'm pretty sure that it's actually true - women are popping out babies at record speed... This has to be the state with the highest reproductive rates, given that having big families is a part of Mormon culture.

It's not that I'm jealous (which I am... ha ha... I'm working on that!!)...

But when I'm feeling frustrated about it, it's more about the type of people who have kids that stresses me out. Now, I know lots and lots of good, intelligent, Church-going people who are blessed with children... and I have nothing against these people. If I like you as a person, I'm sincerely happy for you. I swear. But what bothers me are the complete - what's a good word? morons? - who are blessed with children. People who don't know how to hold jobs, stay out of jail, stay off drugs, not cheat on their spouse... people who don't have a lick of common sense or gratitude... people who will procreate with no end in sight and then raise those kids to be morons in their own image. THAT'S what gets me a little angry.

Just typing this out make me feel like a bad person. I shouldn't be judging others. But let me have a woe-is-me moment for a second.

When someone who easily popped out 10 kids has the nerve to ask me why I'm waiting so long to have kids, I don't know whether to burst into tears or give them the death glare and yell, "Stay outta my uterus, for crying out loud! I hate you and all your stupid kids!"

On my bad days, I ask myself why God would do something like this? To allow such unfairness... The only answer I can come up with is that He strategically does this so that humankind will always have trials. There's the trial that good people can't have kids (infertility sucks!). Then there's the trial of having lots of kids to raise. Then there's the trial of idiots struggling to raise their idiot kids. THEN there's the kids who grow up to be idiots that the rest of the population has to deal with on a daily basis. If there weren't idiots procreating more and more idiots, the world would be a much more peaceful place. And not the kind of world we need in order to learn and grow. Am I right?

Yeah, that's me on a bad day.

On my good days, I find the humor in it all. I understand that the world isn't always fair, but if I work hard and try to always point my life towards Christ... things tend to work out, even in ways I didn't expect. I also try to wrap my head around the fact that everyone is trying to do their best, I'm sure. And children aren't a direct blessing sent from heaven for righteous living. And I shouldn't judge anyone. I'm not perfect, goodness knows. I'm just angry, but I need to get over it.

1 comment:

  1. Three things:

    1)My favorite answer to "when are you having kids already??" was always, "For some of us, these things take time." Then they'd stop bugging me.

    2)I DID have a kid in six months! But the next one isn't coming in another six months. Hopefully once we decide to have a second one, it won't take as long as the first to get pregnant, and hopefully #2 will bake a little longer, but lets get the first out of the hospital and off of oxygen before that even crosses our minds.

    3)Elder Holland said something to the effect of "there is no situation so bad that complaining about it won't make it worse." You do a good job of staying optimistic. It's hard. I know. But you know better than me.


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