Monday, December 14, 2009

I'm Not Bitter

Photo: http://www.progressive-charlestown.com

I'm fairly new to this blogging thing and I wasn't sure if anyone was really reading, but apparently there is. Ha ha.

I got this comment on my last post "White Couples Who Adopt Black Kids":

Honestly, I came across your blog by mistake. I dont know you but I think this is horrible. I dont think anyone REALLY adopts a child to be "trendy" as a white person with a white husband we tried for 5 yrs to have a child. 3 failed IVFs. We invested emotion, time, money and everything else that goes along with the aching of wanting a child. ANY child! We adopted our son (who is black). As you know when completing your forms it asks you everything as though you were picking a car! All we wanted was a child to love we could care less what color their skin was. We even were willing to bring a child into our home with a disability. We live in Utah, my husband is Mormon I am not. The sad and harsh truth is there aren’t many "white" babies available for adoption that is why it may appear to be a "trend". I can tell you are angry, bitter and hurt about not being able to have your own right now because I was there too. You need to come to terms that this is your path and not look for reasons why "other people" or "mormons" can have kids and you cant. It happens to all races and religions. It may be hopeful for you to know that after we adopted our son two yrs later I became pregnant by much surprise! We now have to beautiful sons who have both white, black, hispanic and all sorts of other races and nationalities as friends. We have brought up both our sons (now 6&4) to know about both of their heritages. We did not go into blind, infact our adoption agency even gave us the resources on how to explain and teach our son about his biological background. You need to have a better outlook on this and not be so judgmental and jump to outrages conclusions because you yourself are struggling with "why me". Its rude, mean and untrue to accuse people of wanting a child to be “trendy".

Thanks for your comment, Leigha. Here's my response:

Honestly, I came across your blog by mistake.  

~~ Wow - I'm getting random readers already? Must be hitting a nerve.

I dont know you but I think this is horrible. I dont think anyone REALLY adopts a child to be "trendy"  

~~ I don't know you either. Nice to meet you. And this may be true in your circles. I was talking about a very small minority, I hope.

as a white person with a white husband we tried for 5 yrs to have a child. 3 failed IVFs. We invested emotion, time, money and everything else that goes along with the aching of wanting a child. ANY child! 

~~ I'm sure your experience was a very long and troubling one. I sincerely wish no one had to go through the trials of infertility. I completely understand the pain and emotions that come with infertility and I'm pretty sure you're not the type of person I was talking about.

We adopted our son (who is black). As you know when completing your forms it asks you everything as though you were picking a car! All we wanted was a child to love we could care less what color their skin was. We even were willing to bring a child into our home with a disability.  

~~ You must be an amazing couple to be willing to open your home and hearts to a child with special needs. I applaud you. You're definitely not the type of person I was talking about.

We live in Utah, my husband is Mormon I am not. The sad and harsh truth is there aren’t many "white" babies available for adoption that is why it may appear to be a "trend".  

~~ Yep, it appears to be a trend. Hence, my first paragraph. And the jokes.

I can tell you are angry, bitter and hurt about not being able to have your own right now because I was there too. You need to come to terms that this is your path and not look for reasons why "other people" or "mormons" can have kids and you cant. It happens to all races and religions. 

~~ I wouldn't say I was bitter. I'm angry sometimes, but not nearly as often as you'd think. It's a trial. It's supposed to be painful and I have a right to feel those emotions. I came to terms with my infertility years ago. I'm just now writing about it. Also, I'm pretty sure I said "morons," not "Mormons." There's a world of difference.

It may be hopeful for you to know that after we adopted our son two yrs later I became pregnant by much surprise! 

~~ Good for you! No, that's not really helpful. My story is my own and I'm not adopting so that I can trick my body to get pregnant. I'm adopting because I want to adopt. But that is something people like to tell infertile people - that as soon as you adopt, you'll get pregnant.

We now have to beautiful sons who have both white, black, hispanic and all sorts of other races and nationalities as friends. We have brought up both our sons (now 6&4) to know about both of their heritages. We did not go into blind, infact our adoption agency even gave us the resources on how to explain and teach our son about his biological background. 

~~ Not every agency offers a lot of resources. And if they do, sometimes couples don't take them up on their offer or don't see their importance. I'm glad you took advantage of the resources available to you. That's exactly the point I was trying to make - make sure you prepare yourself, because it's a different journey when you adopt a baby of a different race.

You need to have a better outlook on this and not be so judgmental and jump to outrages conclusions because you yourself are struggling with "why me". Its rude, mean and untrue to accuse people of wanting a child to be “trendy".  

~~ Rude, mean, and untrue? Wow. I'm just being real. Did you read my whole post? I'm not talking about people I don't know. I'm talking about people I've actually met. They're a minority, for sure... but they do exist. Let's hope the apparent "trendiness" of it eventually fades away and more couples go into interracial adoption being prepared for the obvious cultural and physical differences they will face.





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