Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Pregnancy vs. Adoption?

Photo: www.forbes.com

Ever since that moment when I knew we were supposed to adopt, there's been a battle inside me to decide whether I wanted to stop trying to get pregnant or not. If I get pregnant in the middle of our adoption journey, what would we do then? Keep going? What if trying to get pregnant is taking away from focusing on adopting? Should I be doing both? What's my goal here? I think I'm just trying to maximize the possibility of bringing a child into our family.

It's hard not knowing what's going to happen in the future. My fertility issues might not be that bad, or maybe they're worse than I thought. I could get pregnant this month, or never. I don't know. Time will only tell. That's what's hard about trying for adoption. It's not that I wouldn't want to adopt if I got pregnant. It's more about what seems fair. Do I deserve to adopt a child if I am capable of having my own biological children? Would I theoretically be taking away some infertile couple's opportunity at parenthood? Will birth mothers look past us and place their baby with a couple who can't have children or had a harder time conceiving than we did?

Ugh. It's confusing.

Right now, I really do feel like I'll be able to get pregnant. I have a lot of hope. I'm pretty sure I'll get pregnant way before we would ever finalize an adoption. Right? Adopting seems so hard. My fertility meds have been "working" as far as anyone can tell. So, when I get pregnant - then what? Should I thank my lucky stars and stop trying for adoption?

And how will Zay react to my pregnancy? What he thinks will be a major factor in what we decide to do as well. He may be all about focusing all our time and energy on the little one I was able to conceive... or he might think one baby is cool, but two babies are cooler. Ha ha. I don't know! I do know that he's always wanted me to be able to get pregnant and I hate the idea of pushing adoption if he really wanted me to get pregnant. It's so hard to know what the right thing is today when I'm in the middle of all this and I don't have much to go on.

Sometimes I think we should have started this adoption thing earlier... but then again, we should have started seeing a fertility specialist earlier too. Sooo.... catch 22?

If only I had an inkling of how things are supposed to work out for us. Just a tiny peak, God! Please! I won't tell anybody, I promise! Ha ha. I'm sure once things do "work out" - however that will be - hindsight will be 20/20. Right in the thick of it, though..... ugh.

I'm always worried I'm doing the wrong thing! (whatever that even means...)

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for stopping by! It's an interesting thing to consider, huh? I hope you find answers to your own life questions soon! :)


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