Sunday, January 10, 2010

My Head is Swimming


I have been reading about baby stuff WAY too much. I've never had this much time to think about something and prepare for it before. The only two major decisions I've made in my life have been snap decisions. I wanted to get married, so boom – I got married. I wanted to move to Utah and go to BYU, so boom – we left the only place we've ever lived and drove across the country. We wanted to have a baby, and ... yeah ... I'm not used to not being in control. I thought reading up on all things baby would help the time pass by faster, but right now I feel like I have way too much information in my head. Baby, baby, baby is all I can think about.

It doesn't help that this past month or so has been icky for me. I've been feeling sick, probably because of too much chocolate over the holidays. I had a constant headache for about a week. I didn't get a job that I really wanted. My medicine randomly made me puke – I'm not even sure if it had time to get in my system first, which worried me because it could have meant another wasted cycle. I kept getting confused about what day it was (a friend says I have "mother's brain," but I'm not even a mother!). I lost my car keys when I went sledding (more about that later). I totally freaking HALLUCINATED. And getting Zay to get on the ball about filling out adoption papers is like PULLING TEETH, but I finally got him to sign everything – we've just got to go get physical exams done and background screenings. I didn't get pregnant in December's cycle – I didn't even ovulate, so I got pissed about that. I had the worst PMS in the world and almost strangled Zay (not really, but I got pretty ferocious – how do normal women do this every MONTH?! I can't wait to go back to the nonexistent period days where I'm SANE.) And we got the results back from the semen analysis – and it's not terrible, but it's definitely not perfect. Sooo, that's... just... GREAT.

I'm trying to stay focused on the positive and hopeful and patient, but it can be difficult at times. I try to keep myself busy and make sure to take some "me" time – meditating, yoga, writing in my journal. It's helped a lot and keeps the anxiety of our current situation at bay. Church keeps me grounded and reminds me of what I should be doing with my life – serving and loving others and not being so dang selfish. I really hope for the best in 2010.

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