Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Trying To Appear "Perfect"

This is what a perfect couple looks like, right?
Photo: www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com

Going through the adoption process, there's many opportunities to reflect on myself and my life and my relationship with Zay and our potential to be parents. It's all a little overwhelming, but definitely necessary. I think all parents should have to go through a process like this, not just adoptive parents! It's really eye-opening and nit-picky - kind of like a job interview. We have to answer all kinds of questions about our strengths, weaknesses, personality, interests, etc. It's really in-depth and thorough in an effort to make sure they are only approving well-qualified applicants.

That's where I start to feel the pressure to be "perfect"... or at least appear perfect, whatever perfect may be... Zay doesn't like the idea of having to "sell" ourselves to the agency and to potential birth mothers. And I agree. It sucks. Because no one's perfect... and we don't like to sugarcoat things normally. We are who we are... and we're not perfect.

The main problem stems from our uncertainties about the paths we will take in our careers and education - we don't know what we want to be when we grow up. We're not in a "stable" position, meaning we're going back and forth about what we want to do. We're not "established," I guess. So, that makes me feel "imperfect". I'm sure when a lot of birth mothers are looking for a family to place with, they look for "established" people. We're young and still trying to figure things out, so who are we to say that we'd be good parents for someone's child?

I graduated from BYU's business school in Information Systems, but I'm not sure I fit very well in that field anymore. I worked as a computer programmer for a little while, but it didn't feel quite right. I'm considering going to cosmetology school to get licensed. I ultimately wanted to own a barbershop/salon with Zay, so maybe I can merge my business school background with my cosmetology schooling to run our own business. That's the tentative plan. I'm looking at hair schools around here to find which one would best work for me.

Zay started going to UVU a couple years ago, but had to drop out to work more hours at his job. Now he wants to go back to school, but he doesn't know what to pursue. Barbering, business, or culinary arts were the ones he was most considering. He has too many hobbies and interests to know what he wants to do "for the rest of his life".

It would be hard for us to both go to school at the same time, so we're in a transitional period right now... trying to figure it all out. So, we get insecure about whether someone would even want to place with us.

But, there was a reason I felt so strongly about adoption - I know it is something that we were meant to do. And there's a reason I felt so strongly about it now rather than a few years from now when we're "settled". I just pray that it'll all work out.

When I start feeling inadequate and unqualified to be a parent, I try to fight it and just be myself. If I'm open and honest, hopefully the right birth mother will find us to be "perfect" without us actually having to be so. I trust God will guide this process and the right people will end up coming together "perfectly".





8 comments:

  1. Alice Anne, you and Zay will be AMAZING parents! No one is perfect, and it's unfortunate how people define "perfection" these days. From what I hear, people adopting through LDSFS are more likely to have a hard time with that whole "perfect image" thing because, seriously, what 16-year-old girl wouldn't want millionaire supermodels adopting her baby? But I KNOW that there is a birth mom out there who will see your profile and recognize that you two have so darn much to offer a baby. I KNOW IT! I just hope that it happens soon, because you deserve it more than anyone I know!

    ReplyDelete
  2. @The Girl -

    That's exactly what I needed to hear! You're so awesome. :) I think LDS people in general put a lot of pressure on themselves to do everything right, me included. I've gotta let that mentality go.

    "millionaire supermodels" ... HA HA HA

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow. Alice Anne,

    That was beautiful. That was inspirational. Thanks for being so open with your feelings. I know what it's like to TRY to get pregnant and NOT be able to. (There will be a large-ish gap between our youngest now and our next). However, one thing I DO know for sure is that Heavenly Father really DOES have a plan for us and that he knows what is best for us in the long term. I bet you DID feel right about adopting, and I have no doubt that it was inspired. And as President Hinkley would always say, "Don't be discouraged. Keep trying. Things will work out." If you had that feeling once, don't give up!
    I KNOW that we DO have a loving Heavenly Father who wants what is best for us. I know he guides us, if we let him. I know he'll guide you too Alice Anne to what is right for you and your family. Thanks again for your post.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Alice Anne,
    Bethany told me about your blog and that you were in the process of trying to adopt. We are also getting approved through LDS Family Services to adopt a baby. I know exactly how you feel with trying to appear perfect, even though nobody is. I just want you to know that birth parents are going to love the fact that you and Zay are honest, real, fun people (as opposed to the fake, trying to be perfect people). The Lord definitely inspired you to adopt at the right time so the right birth parents can find you guys, even if you aren't "established". It will all work out...hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  5. @Bethany and @Kylee -

    Thanks so much! You guys are great. And I haven't seen yall in ages! I always love to hear encouraging words, so definitely comment whenever.

    Bethany - how many kids do you have now??? Did you just randomly find me on Facebook? Ha ha! I'm glad you found me!

    Kylee - I wanna hear about your adoption process too! And why you guys are adopting! That kinda stuff really interests me. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I just have two kids. :) I was just thinking about you and was wondering how you were doing, so I thought I'd check on FB, and then I saw you had a blog so I thought I would read up on ya. Hope you don't feel like you have a stalker!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Bethany told me about your blog. I haven't experienced anything like what you are going through but my oldest daughter had been trying to have a fourth baby for 7 years and I know how emotionally difficult it is to be disappointed every month. She finally went to an in vitro clinic and found out information that the fertility clinic had never considered (Her FSH number was too high). She says that she wishes she could have known that all the years she was going to the fertility clinic. When she didn't qualify for in vitro at first she was told by one of the doctors at the clinic to try acupunture. She did and her FSH number came down, she qualified for in vitro and a miracle story took place every step of the way and she got a beautiful baby girl who is 18 months old now. I know it is expensive and you may not be able to afford in vitro (plus you indicated you had qualms about in vitro), but acupunture may help your body get pregnant. The acupunture treatment she received was specifically for infertility. You might want to consider it.

    Another thought - my next door neighbor (older than me and now passed away) tried 8 years to get pregnant and then was able to have 7 children naturally and then adopted her 8th child.

    I'll keep tabs on you. Love you, Sister Anna Parish

    ReplyDelete
  8. @Sister Parish -

    It's nice to hear from you! It's been a long time since we lived at Wymount! There are so many different things that affect your fertility and different treatments work for different people. It's hard to do everything when you don't know what will work - that's stressful. But it's hard to pinpoint what WILL work - THAT'S stressful too. I just do what I can and what I'm comfortable with and try not to stress about it anymore. Acupuncture isn't on my list of things to do, but I'm glad that it worked for your daughter! That's amazing! In vitro will probably never be a choice for me. I just don't feel like that's something I would be comfortable doing. So many risks... But I'm glad it works out for so many people. And I'm sure my fertility journey will be unique from everyone else's and however things are supposed to be, that's how they'll work out.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
 
Gadgets By Spice Up Your Blog