Thursday, April 22, 2010

What If...?


I read a blog here about all the "what ifs" many women who are trying to conceive and/or adopt have go through their minds. I missed the deadline to contribute my own "what ifs" to this project, but I still wanted to get them out of my head and "down on paper," so to speak. I'm not trying to be overly negative. I'm actually in a really good mood today - it's just purely therapeutic.

I read through literally hundreds of comments to see what other women had to say first, before I came up with my own list. I love that I've found such a large, supportive community of women going through such similar experiences as me. I seriously gobble all that kind of information up! I love reading about other people's experiences for two reasons - 1) so that I don't feel alone with what I'm going through and 2) so that I can see that some people are going through a much more difficult time than I could even imagine. Either way, it encourages me and makes me feel better about my own situation.

It was really cathartic to read through everyone's "what ifs," picking out ones that fit me, and figuring out my own. I've already thought about some of these in my What Would I Be Missing? post... but there's more "what ifs" swimming around in my brain.

My "What Ifs"
  • What if I never get to be a mother, biologically or through adoption? How will I let go of all our dreams and find a new reason for living?
  • What if I never get pregnant, no matter what we try? What if we exhaust all our options and we're left childless and broke in the end? What if I can never get over the feeling that my body has failed me?
  • What if we stop TTC too early and miss the opportunity to conceive? What if one more try would have worked? What if I focus years of my life on TTC, always looking for that elusive one more try?
  • What if dealing with infertility affects the happiness of my marriage? What if our relationship starts to suffer?
  • What if I do get pregnant, but I miscarry? or have a stillborn? or have a disabled child?
  • What if I do get pregnant, but we pass on infertility to the child and they have to go through the same horrible process when they're an adult?
  • What if adoption doesn't work out like we'd hoped? What if the birth mother changes her mind at the last second, after we are deeply emotionally involved (like that episode of House)? What if the birth father wants custody after we've already bonded with the child (like in the case of baby Emma)? What if it takes years before we can finally adopt?
  • What if the birth parents don't want an open adoption and our child has issues with not knowing where he/she came from? What if our child resents being adopted when he/she is older?
  • What if we can't live up to the high expectations we have set for ourselves as parents?
There. Got it all out! Whew.

I actually don't really want to answer any of these "what ifs." That would be stressful, I think. Instead, I'll just leave them unanswered and move on.


  1. I know the answer to ALL of these "what ifs!" IT WOULD BE OK! It would stink, but it would be ok. I know I only experienced 14 months of what you've been going through in over five years, but I still thought the same things. There comes a point when you have done and are doing everything that you can do and then you have to wait. The thing that I've learned with Caleb is to not worry about what you can't control. There's no point. You'll just go crazy. And sometimes you go crazy anyway. For me it's about every other day that I go crazy. Not knowing is the hardest part. If you knew that you would finally be a mom in 10 years, it wouldn't be so hard, would it? But it could be tomorrow, it could be never. It stinks. But you are doing everything that you can, so you don't have to have regrets. That's good. You're my hero for being so stinkin' strong. Go you!

  2. @The Girl -
    Ha ha! Well, we can be each other's hero, because I think you're pretty dang amazing for going through what you went through (and are still going through)! I always remind myself that things could be worse and I totally agree with your answer for all my "what ifs"... It WOULD be okay. I'd survive. I'd figure out how to get through it just like everything else. Just like you... :)


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