Thursday, July 8, 2010

Grieving

Part Three

* * *

As we left the agency, I really felt like I was in shock. The tears kept coming and I just walked in silence to the car and then stared out the window on the ride home, not thinking... just staring. It felt like my heart had been ripped out and all of Zay's concerns about adoption were never going to be resolved. I was hurt that he didn't want it as badly as I did. I felt silly and selfish and impatient for wanting to have a baby now. It gave me the same kind of feeling that I had when I was trying to get pregnant and I would start my cycle instead... miserable, sad, angry. I was grieving.

Zay apologized over and over. He kept saying that he wasn't trying to be the bad guy. He held my hand in the car. I told him that I wasn't angry with him and he didn't have to apologize. Then he started to talk about how he wouldn't go to school yet, and he'd work full-time and get us health insurance so that we can move on with the process... and I was like, "Why are you going back and forth like this?" He does that a lot. I get confused when he says he feels one way but then talks like he feels another way. I guess it's just as confusing for him as it is for me, because I know that it's not that Zay doesn't want to have kids with me. He does. He loves kids and kids love him. He's told me time and time again that he would LOVE to have kids with me. He just doesn't deal well with disappointment. Adoption can be full of disappointments and he's not ready for that yet. I told him that we shouldn't talk about it then. We should wait and discuss those clear, specific goals that we need to make later when we're not in the moment. I don't want him to do this for me and I knew he was only saying those things because he didn't want me to be sad.

He went to work and I went home to write in my journal and get all my thoughts out. I cycled back and forth between sad and hopeful:
  • I hate that my body is broken and we didn't have children years ago.
  • I'm glad that Zay's honest and has enough respect for the seriousness of this decision we're making to actually tell me that he has concerns that are important to him.
  • I hate that he feels/thinks the way he does and doesn't just agree with me. It breaks my heart that we're not on the same page anymore.
  • I'm glad that he wants to do this for both of us and not just for me. It reminds me of when he joined the Church. He went through set after set of missionaries and two baptism dates before he joined, because it wouldn't have worked out the same had he done it only for me.
  • I hate that he slowpokes his way through life and I have to drag him along or wait for him to catch up. We only have so much time!
  • I can still feel strongly about adoption. I can still be optimistic about everything without overwhelming Zay with it. It'll happen when it's supposed to happen.
  • I hate when he makes little remarks about not having kids – "that just means more Xbox for me!" I know it's a cover for what he really wants, but it bothers me. 
  • God is guiding this. If there was a child meant for our home, He will make it happen.
  • Zay confuses me, going back and forth, offering to do this or that in order to make me happy. But then he'll say something completely different ("We shouldn't adopt right now.") because deep down he'd rather feel nothing at all than to risk feeling disappointed.
  • It's okay for me to be upset – it's a difficult situation. I'm sad that the one thing I had been focusing my whole heart and energy on has been taken away from me temporarily. I have to find a new motivation to keep going.
  • This blog crossed my mind. It's such a beautiful story. Where’s my miracle?
  • What am I gonna do now?

My brain was exhausted after I wrote and wrote for hours... and I didn't come to any conclusions. I just dumped my heart out and left it on the page. I made my own personal goal to not bring anything up to Zay and to just let him talk about it when he's ready. Then I took the longest nap ever.

I spent the next week in a bit of a funk, including our 6th Anniversary that didn't go as well as we'd planned. Blah. But we got to the point where we could sit down and make a list of clear, specific goals.

I call it our Baby Bucket List...





4 comments:

  1. Alice Anne, you are a strong woman. It is REALLY hard dealing with infertility and trying to be on the same page with your husband in these big decisions. I am sure this time must be hard for you, but the Lord always has big blessings after we go through the trials. I hope things work out for you guys!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Back-link-blog-stalking here...

    It took three months of solid "being so patient and trying not to push" to get me to change my mind about adoption.

    I did. not. want. to. adopt.

    Period.

    I had a laundry list of issues with everything in it and refused to even discuss it with my husband.

    I hate to tell you this but it really will come down to "when the time is right." I hate saying that, I hated hearing it myself.

    But a stubborn idiot like me changed her mind when I was broadsided by the Spirit one evening, and if adoption is the right path for you and Zay it will happen.

    Change is hard. I also had a hard time agreeing to be baptized. I went through 13 missionaries. I nearly made the last two sets cry with my questions and back-and-forth.

    If you'd like to chat, please e-mail me. It's on my blog.

    Best of luck with your path. Hang in there. The amazing thing about miracles is that they *do* happen.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm so sorry that you are going through so much pain right now. You want such good things and I wish you could get everything you want right now. Thank you for sharing your experience.

    ReplyDelete
  4. thanks, everyone! Sometimes all I need is some encouraging words and all the pain goes away (temporarily). Miracles do happen - I believe that. And it will be such an exciting day when my miracle comes. I just need to wait until it's supposed to happen! I can't keep thinking I can control everything... Sometimes you just have to relax! I'm gonna focus on making my relationship with my husband the best that it can be and good things will happen. :)

    ReplyDelete

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