Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Hashing It All Out

Part Two.

* * *

I emailed our caseworker and said something like this:

"...I'm trying not to overly stress about everything. Does LDS Family Services offer any counseling for the couples who are trying to adopt (not just the birth parents who are placing a child)? Sometimes I feel like there are so many things that Xavier and I don't discuss very well that we might need help with. I really want us to be on the same page with both adoption AND fertility stuff, whether we adopt first and try to get pregnant later or whatever. And I don't know if we're capable of making the best decision on our own. Let me know if there's help available for that sort of thing."

She immediately set up a meeting with us and I was glad. Basically I just wanted Zay to get out all of his concerns so that we could talk about them out in the open with someone else. Figuring life out can be difficult, especially when it gets painful and confusing, so I knew we needed a 3rd party to help us focus and guide us towards healthy decision-making. I kind of wished she would just tell us what to do so that I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore, but I knew better. It was gonna be more difficult than that. We had reached the point where we weren’t on the same page about anything anymore and it was really getting frustrating and too emotional for me.

The entire meeting I let Zay talk and I tried to really listen to everything he was saying... trying to understand his perspective on things. Mostly he is concerned that he doesn't feel as good about the decision as I do. He doesn't want to make a decision based on emotions or rush into something we may not be ready for. I say that if it feels right, that feeling must be coming from somewhere... I've never felt so strongly about anything before, so that has to say something. But we both need to feel it to move on and I know that. And it hurts when this is something I want so badly.

Our caseworker was awesome and so patient and comforting. She appreciated Zay’s honesty and was glad we came in to talk about it. She told us that no couple ever comes to the same conclusion at the same time. Even if it "feels right" to the wife or to the husband, it is completely necessary for it to "feel right" to both or it won't work. Even if that feeling is from the Spirit, it's okay for that confirmation to come separately and at different times. Zay likes to go about things a lot slower than I like to, and that's just something that I'll have to accept and work with. I have to just keep being patient and having faith and not expect him to think just like me. I definitely can't be selfish and keep pushing the process forward when it's not in the best interest of everyone involved.

Adoption and fertility treatments need to go on the back burner. That's what she told us. I knew she was going to say that, but as soon as she said it I just burst into tears! And I do NOT cry in front of other people. It hurt, but it was what I needed to hear – I needed to be told to wait. Our timelines just don't match up right now. She also gave us advice to sit down and make some clear, specific goals that we have to reach before we discuss adoption again. She cautioned Zay about making abstract goals like "when we're better off financially," because those kind of goals are never reached. We can always have better jobs, a bigger house, etc. There will never be a perfect time to have kids, so in order to avoid putting it off indefinitely, we need to make some goals that can be reached that are specific enough that we'll know when we've reached them.

We left on that note...


  1. Oh, Alice Anne, that must be so hard! You're so strong to be able to go through all of this. What a roller coaster. And NOT the fun kind. You're my hero.

  2. @The Girl - You know what? It WAS hard. But I have gotten so much better. I'm sure it'll hurt again (like you said - it's a roller coaster), but I think time away from everything is helping me remember why I wanted to be a parent to begin with and refocus my priorities. I'm pretty calm now. We even talked about the importance of mothers in the Marriage and Family Relations class today at Church.. And I just kind of laughed on the inside. It was funny - it didn't hurt. Lol. I'm finding the humor in things a lot more now. i shouldnt be taking life so seriously!


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