Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Infertility "Sting"

 Photo: www.pcosnomore.com

A few weeks ago, we didn't have to teach the Primary kids at Church like we usually do. We love teaching - it's soooo much fun. But it seemed like it would be a nice break from it and I was kind of glad. I got to actually go to class with all the women. I sat in the back and looked around at all the new faces. People move in and out so fast that I just don't even try to keep up with everyone anymore. The lady conducting the meeting welcomed everyone to class and then asked was there any good news? My heart jumped and I kind of wanted to announce that we got approved to adopt, but for some reason I paused when other hands shot up.

So casual and nonchalant, the first woman announces, "I'm pregnant!" Like it was a matter of fact, an everyday occurrence. I have nothing against this woman whatsoever, but the first words to come into my head were BITE ME.

A second woman announces that she just found out she's having a boy. My heart was sitting in the pit of my stomach and a rush of pain just hit me.

Ugh. Not again. I'm not even trying to get pregnant! Well, I'm not doing anything to stop it... but I quit taking my fertility meds at the beginning of the year. That didn't matter, though. The normal, dull ache had all of a sudden turned into a piercing one.

I felt grumpy the rest of the meeting and wanted to just throw myself on my bed when I got home. But, of course... as the Universe likes to heckle me... I had a baby shower invitation taped to my front door. I said, "Really? Really?" and burst into tears.

Zay said, "Does that really still bother you?" I shot him a glance like HOW DARE YOU and then crumpled into his arms, crying my little heart out.

That's what a bad day feels like. :(





7 comments:

  1. I know I can't possibly relate. I have no idea what that must feel like! I HATED pregnancy. Everything about it was extremely uncomfortable and almost embarrasing with all the weight gain and unsightly side effects... but I never knew what it must have been like to never get to experience that, even with all of its discomfort.

    But in all seriousness, I read about your adoption process and I get so so excited for the both of you I can hardly stand it. You are doing something so important for a little soul out there. Knowing that is the best thing in the world! I know you & Zay are going to be such wonderful parents. And look at it this way, you get to be a mom WITHOUT having to experience stretch marks.. that's definitely a positive in my book.

    :)
    If you ever wanna talk about it, my door's always open.

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  2. Oh, Alice . . . that made my heart hurt to read. :( Of course it still hurts! In situations like that I oscillate between wanting to punch people and bursting into tears. Anyway, I am just so sorry. I hate days like that.

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  3. As I read your message I cried. I have been thinking of you so much. I know that things will work out for you and your family. I know that emotional roller coaster you are on is something that no one will understand but you and your husband. I know when we adopted Nick people would tell me that they understood but they really don't. I just want you to know that if you need another shoulder to cry on or get mad and scream too. Please just call me any time.
    Your both in my prayers

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear about your bad bad bad day. Hugs to you. Perhaps next time you can try Elders Quorem! They just annouce new TV's and sports games! J/K. Here's hoping your baby comes so soon...

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  5. I'm so glad I found your blog. This made me cry! Congrats on getting approved! I can't wait to hear what's to come!

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  6. I know, I already posted, but I had a bad day too and thought of yours. On my b-day a couple of weeks ago, I got a Christmas card from Ryan's Grandma. It had huge pictures of all her grandchildren plastered over the front and talked about nothing but them. I went into hysterics and threw it in the garbage. Yes, I threw Grandma's card away. Not my best moment.

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  7. @Angie - I know if I had gotten pregnant right off the bat, I would've hated it too! I hate being sick, even SLIGHTLY sick... so pregnancy would probably be overwhelming. Ugh. But there was a point where I would've given ANYTHING to be sick as a dog if it meant I could experience pregnancy and giving birth. Over time, the bad days get farther and farther apart... but infertility has a way of rearing its ugly head randomly. I don't think those feelings will ever completely go away.

    @Christie - Ahhhh! You make me laugh! Throwing Grandma's card away! That sounds like something I would do... heh. You should message me on Facebook and tell me your story, because I honestly didn't even know you shared such a burden with me until you started commenting on my blog! So sad! We could've been talking years ago...

    @Being An Allred - I don't even know how complicated your situation got with your adoption, but I'm sure it was a mess! Adoption is such a hard thing to understand if you haven't been touched by it yourself. I'm glad I have you as a reference and a shoulder to cry on when I need it. :)

    @Jennifer - Thanks! Lol. Elder's Quorum I hear is actually pretty boring, so maybe I'll just stick with the Primary as much as possible. Ha ha ha.

    @Melissa - Hey, girl! Hope you're doing so so awesome being newly married and all that jazz. :) You're such a cutie!

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