Friday, February 18, 2011

"Enjoy Every Minute of It"


After enduring an absolute overload of emotions in the past few months, guilt was the only one that I didn't anticipate.

I feel guilty that I'm leaving behind a lot of people who are still struggling with infertility. They say adoption isn't a cure for infertility, just a cure for childlessness... but to tell you the truth, now that I'm going to be on the other side of things, that distinction doesn't matter to me anymore. I found out I was never suffering from infertility, just childlessness. Now that we're adopting a baby, I feel guilty that I'm not going to consider myself "infertile and TTC (trying to conceive)" anymore. I feel like a traitor, but I honestly don't want to be considered infertile anymore. It was a struggle and a headache and a nightmare... something I kind of just want to leave behind and purge from my memory.

I feel guilty that we were chosen by a birthmother so quickly, because there are sooo many couples trying to adopt and any one of them probably deserves this more than we do in one way or another. I prayed that it would happen fast, because I seriously couldn't handle the fertility treatments and the waiting, waiting, waiting that goes with adoption. But it happened WAY faster than I expected! I have a friend who kind of gave up on adoption after waiting for so long to be contacted with no luck. And she is incredibly amazing!!! It makes me feel guilty as crap that things worked out for us and not for her.

I feel guilty that I'm such a hypocrite when it comes to being excited about baby stuff. Before, it was difficult for me to get too excited about other people's baby news... but now I'm SO FRIGGING EXCITED that I'm sure I'm just as annoying as those women seemed to be to me. I announced my good news during the "good news minute" at Church, just like pregnant women have done all around me every Sunday my whole life it seems. Ugh.

But I was given some advice from my friend who had decided not to pursue adoption further... she just told me to ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT. Feeling guilt isn't going to do anything for me now. This is my moment, our turn to be happy... and I can't waste it by being worried about everybody else's feelings. Just like the excited, newly pregnant women at Church ignore the bitter, grumpy infertile in the corner who is rolling her eyes and choking back tears... I'm going to have to suck it up and do the same. And at least for now, I can't feel guilty. I have too much happiness to take in to feel guilty.

Maybe later, when I'm calm and have settled into motherhood, I can turn that guilt into empathy. I've been there, I feel for you, I'm so sorry for what you're going through...

But I can't let that keep me from feeling insanely happy right now! I'm planning on enjoying every minute of this, so bare with me! I still love you guys!


  1. You are so sweet to be sensitive. And that's the difference. For me, the difference between women with children I am truly happy for and those I want to kick is how sensitive they are. It's so much easier to be happy about women who appreciate what they have. Speaking as an infertile (like your friend you mentioned), I am 100% so happy for you! You're right to love every minute.

  2. @Christie - Now that we've adopted Kal and I've settled into motherhood, I found that I am so happy to hear other people's baby news. I can't believe the genuine happiness I feel for something that would feel like such a punch in the gut before! Infertility and childlessness... when you want a child SO BAD... can be paralyzing and overwhelm you with bitterness and resentfulness and jealousy and sadness. I am SO happy to be out from under that terrible burden and come out happy on the other side of things. :)


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