Monday, February 14, 2011

"How Could She Give Her Baby Away??"

Our baby boy Kal & his birthmother "K." (I went back to this post and added this picture after he was born :D)

I read a blog HERE that got me thinking about this associate of mine that I had to disassociate myself with a little while ago. And I felt like venting a little bit...

She irked me to NO end, but I put up with her to be nice. For years! But you know, if someone brings out the worst in you every time you see them and it's only a one-way relationship, then it's just toxic and "being nice" has nothing to do with it anymore. Eventually I just severed it to save my sanity.

The final straw was when she got to speaking all LOUDLY (like she does) and very OPINIONATED (like she always is) about something that is very dear to my heart - adoption and birth mothers. Her comments were very ignorant and inconsiderate and I couldn't take it.

I couldn't be around her, because all I wanted to do was be excited about the adoption journey we were on...and all she wanted to do was talk about how she could NEVER give her baby away and that it was basically the same as having an abortion and that she couldn't understand why anyone could see their baby after it was born and not love it enough to keep it. And of course, they need to take care of their responsibility - they made their bed, so they should lay in it.

O...M...G. How did I refrain from strangling her??? I don't think she has a tactful bone in her body.

I tried to convert her to the truth, haha. But it was a lost cause. I tried to explain that adoption is the OPPOSITE of abortion...instead of letting the baby have NO chance at life, birth mothers are giving their baby EVERY chance at life by handpicking who they want to be the parents. By removing their own selfishness from the equation and focusing all their efforts on their child and thinking about what would be best for him/her, adoption is a beautiful answer to many situations that could have turned out badly. And adoption isn't about a lack of love that's making them look their baby in the face and say "I don't want him - here, you take him." Omg, not at all! It's ALL about love! And it's a devastatingly difficult thing to do! Just because it's the most difficult decision ever and you can't imagine ever doing it yourself, doesn't mean that people who choose adoption are heartless creatures. They aren't running from their responsibility... They're facing it head on in a very unique and loving way.

Did she get it? Of course not. She just stuck up her nose like she was too good for somebody who would choose such a thing. If I wasn't so angry, I would've laughed at her for thinking she was better than anybody.

What's ironic about this girl is that... Well, I couldn't really give her a reason good enough in favor of adoption, because she had kids (which she kept) living under the same conditions that many women choose adoption because of. I'd tell her, "Some women do it because they want their child to not grow up in poverty"...and she'd say, "So? What's wrong with being poor? I grew up poor. My kids will grow up poor. That ain't no reason to give your baby away." And I'd say, "Some women do it because there won't be an adequate father in their lives or the baby's father wants nothing to do with them," while her husband is constantly in and out of jail for drug use and can't keep a job long enough to provide for them properly. Soooo, basically there's no talking to her because she thinks her life is normal and that it doesn't affect her kids that her situation is so messed up, so why should anybody else in similar circumstances think differently? She doesn't understand what kind of impact an unstable home and childhood can have on someone and that it's a mother's responsibility to do everything they can to protect their children, even if it means admitting if they can't do it alone.

I tried to befriend her for the sake of those poor kids. But I couldn't do it anymore. It was too emotionally draining... when this was supposed to be a happy time for me and my husband.


I've met lots of birth mothers and "potential" birth mothers who are considering adoption, and from my own experience and in the open adoption world in general, there's an overall consensus that birth mothers are strong... selfless... brave... full of love and hope for a child growing inside of them. They chose life and then they wanted to choose the best life (not just drag a child through the horrible circumstances they were born into - they didn't ask to be here!)... I don't see how anyone can pass judgment on that and ask, "How could she give her baby away??"

Done venting now.



    I think parenthood in general is (or should be) the least selfish thing a person could ever do, and being a birth mom takes it to a whole new level. I try so hard to be selfless and giving in my mothering, but I could never be so heroic as someone who places their child for adoption. They are real heroes!

  2. I know what you mean about people who suck all the positive energy out of you. It's tough to disassociate yourself, but after a certain point it's not helping anyone to pretend you are fine with their behaviour. Good on ya.

  3. @Anna - Thanks for understanding! I don't want it to come across that I think birthmothers are somehow better than those who choose to parent, but adoption can be such a beautiful and selfless thing under the right circumstances. And I hated to hear a whole group of women being misjudged in that way. I couldn't take it! - That's EXACTLY what she was doing to me. Sucking all the life and positivity out of me! I knew that I didn't need those kind of people around me as we were going through the adoption process. I took control of who I allowed in my life and surrounded myself with very positive and supportive people instead, and the difference has been HUGE! It has made this process so much easier knowing I have so many people cheering for us. :)

  4. The best response for that comment when you know its no good,

    "I guess not everyone is capable of loving that deeply."

    1. I never have a good line prepared when people say odd things to me. I wish there was a 'pause' button in those moments to give me a chance to think!

  5. He has the priesthood now. Has been clean for a year and has a job.

  6. @Sara - good for him and good for yall.

  7. Thank you. The atonement is real. Hope you come to our sealing. Hope your having wonderful holidays


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