Friday, February 4, 2011

No Need For Passalong Cards...


My computer crashed and my hard drive is toast, so I'm borrowing a laptop right now... because I know I need to update! Too many things have been happening for me to be able to keep up with blogging. Seriously, it's been nuts. This is my attempt at an abbreviated version. :)

We got approved at the end of October. A month passed and I had no idea how long of a wait we'd end up having, so I started worrying about the "wait time" and how completely out of our hands it would be. I was obsessing, and other people's good news aggravated me. :(

I had my "marketing" gameplan all ready to roll out - a vamped up blog, better pictures, passalong cards, ads, and getting friends and family to spread the word about our adoption plans. I didn't even get a chance to do any of that... and now I know we'll probably never have to. (more about that later)

At the very beginning of December, we got our first email from a birthmother! I couldn't believe it! It had only barely been a month since we were approved. I saw the email early in the morning before I left for work. Zay was asleep and my first thought was to figure out a way to surprise him later that day, but halfway through work when I couldn't focus on anything else, I just had to text him! I was excited to say the least.

We met her the next week, since she lived fairly close by. It went well! Or so said our caseworker. We didn't have anything to compare it to. She was considering adoption and we were one of the "few" couples she wanted to meet with. But the entire time we talked, a lot of the questions and topics relied upon her choosing us... so we just had to talk as if she had already picked us. That was difficult, because it was just getting us more and more excited. Zay was so happy. We were giddy with each other at home. It felt so perfect. She was having a girl, full Caucasian (more about that later), due January 29th. The birthmother was so excited to meet us! I just knew it was going to work out. We emailed back and forth with her every day. We ate out with her and the baby's father. Her family wanted to meet us, so we went to her house and met her mom and dad and sisters. Again, I didn't have anything to compare it to... and everyone seemed so excited, so I couldn't help but think this was perfect.

We waited for her to make a decision. She met with another couple and it turned out to be super awkward. Even her caseworker said it was one of the most awkward meetings she had ever been to! Ha ha ha. She finally told us that it was safe to say that if she went with adoption, it would be with us. I was thrilled! I couldn't stop talking about it. Zay and I were getting along better than ever and everything made sense. We kept waiting... didn't want to pressure her at all, because this was a HUGE decision and I wanted her to make sure she knew what she wanted to do.

I was at work when I got a phone call from an area code I didn't recognize. It was a caseworker from Georgia! Another girl was really interested in us! OMG. I panicked. I didn't know what to say. Never in a million years did I expect that. Especially since we had somewhat of a hold on our profile while we were waiting for birthmother #1 to make a decision. We wanted to respect the time she needed to make a decision, but here was birthmother #2 who apparently had already decided on adoption for sure and was just trying to find the right family. She was having a boy, full African American, due February 2nd. Zay said, "I know black women... and she ain't gonna wait for nobody." I could tell he wanted to pursue this opportunity, but at the same time we were conflicted. Can't we just get both babies?! - a little mini me and mini Zay??? (more about that later)

I worried about offending birthmother #1 or making her decision harder or making her feel rushed. That's the last thing I wanted to do. And who could say whether jumping from one opportunity to the next without fully exploring the first one was the right thing to do? We discussed it with our caseworker and we were told that birthmother #1 would have to make a decision soon. Her caseworker actually gave her a deadline or else our profile would be taken off of its hold and we could pursue birthmother #2. OMG, I didn't want that! I felt horrible. She needed to make a decision soon, but I didn't think it was anybody's place to tell her when she had to decide. It sucked that she was indecisive, but it was understandable and I wanted to respect that.

All of a sudden, birthmother #1 got really distant. The deadline came and went and we didn't have a clue what was happening. Everytime I tried to talk to her, I felt like I was harassing her. I was heartbroken and didn't know what to do! We waited and waited. Our caseworker told us to go ahead and move on because they were taking her unresponsiveness as a "no." I had already grown so attached to what I thought was going to be our daughter. We loved birthmother #1 and wished things had gone differently. We never even really got to talk the way I wanted, because she never made a decision. I wanted to be excited with her and hear about pregnancy-related things and hang out, etc. But the distance and the stress of indecision was just killing me.

We talked to the GA caseworker. Sure enough, birthmother #2 didn't want to wait on us while we were waiting on birthmother #1. And she had chosen another family. BIG SAD FACE! We only had a few seconds to grieve over that lost opportunity before the caseworker said "... but, I have another girl who is interested. She's really nice and I think you'll like her." Birthmother #3! She was having a bi-racial baby boy, due March 9th. I wasn't as excited at that point, because I was dealing with the loss of my daughter that obviously was never my daughter. :( :( :( And then I had started to imagine another birthmother with an African American baby boy due only 4 days after birthmother #1, but I had to erase that from my mind too. Ugh! So confusing! I obviously was not emotionally cut out for this. :(

I sucked it up and emailed her... and waited. We didn't get an email back for about a week! Seriously, I was about to fReAk OuT about that. But we had to grow some tough skin in a very short amount of time. We were much more cautious about our excitement. We were more controlled emotionally, asked all the questions upfront that we never got to ask birthmother #1, told her we would respect her decision (whatever it may be), and basically we just didn't expect much out of it. Hoped, but didn't expect.

Birthmother #1 texted me to say that she didn't want us to wait on her and that it would probably take her until after she had the baby to decide. I was glad she was giving us her blessing to move forward. I told her how the situation turned out with birthmother #2 and she was kind of upset about it. Apparently she had gotten so distant because she thought we'd move on and get chosen really fast by this second girl. I wish she had just told us that, but everything was so complicated at that point that I understood how difficult it was for her.

We started texting and emailing with birthmother #3 a lot more. I got to talk to her aunt, who apparently "adored" us from the minute she saw our profile! We didn't get our hopes up like before, but it was just fun to talk and get to know each other. We kind of understood each other... I think it's a Southern thing. We all got along so well. She wanted to meet us. And we just looked at each other and said, "Let's do it!" Who cares, right? We'll get to see our families... and no way it'll work out anyway, right?

I knew it was nuts... I kept thinking, "But what if birthmother #1 changes her mind again?" I hadn't fully gotten over that, and Zay even asked me often if I had heard anything from her. If nothing else, we just cared about her and wanted to know how things were going to work out for her. But she stayed distant and we just had to let go. It hurt. She was going to try to parent by herself, and I struggled with that. Talking with birthmother #3 helped a lot. Things with her just felt so comfortable, like we didn't have to try... we could just calm the frick down and be our fun, normal selves.

We flew to GA. We met birthmother #3! We ate out with her and her caseworker. I was so nervous and so comfortable at the same time. It was a weird feeling, something I had honestly never felt before. The nerves were hilarious, though. Seriously, I think I got an arm twitch that wouldn't go away. I had to go to the bathroom and take a few deep breaths to calm down (and the bathroom is a horrible place to do that! HA HA). She was nervous too! But it went so well! I found out she wanted to choose between us and one other family and that she had given herself a deadline to make a decision (thank goodness!) by the end of January, a little over a month from her due date. She was 100% going with adoption. She knew her child needed a stable home with a father, and she wasn't in a position where she could provide for a baby by herself, as much as that hurt and as much as she wanted to. She was a very strong and determined girl. Absolutely amazing.

Her family really wanted to meet us, so we ate out with them the next day... and then got to hang out with them at their place afterwards. It was so relaxed and so comfortable. It seriously started to seem like we were just old friends. We got to look at the birthmother's baby pictures. Zay went out and played basketball with the uncle and cousin. We laughed a ton. It was so much fun! Our trip all of a sudden felt too short! We went and saw our families (and that was seriously awesome), and then went right back to their place to spend our last day there with them. She baked for us! Mmmmm.... pineapple upside-down cake! Ha ha. It was just amazing.

We came back to Utah and waited...tried to give her some space to make a decision. She finally texted and said, "I have some news for yall..." AHHHHHHH!!! Holy cow! My heart was beating so fast! No way. It was a "yes." She loved us. She knew we would be amazing parents. Her aunt was ecstatic about it! Everything finally felt *real*... I could actually tell people that I was going to be a mom! Zay has never been so happy. I'm gonna have a baby shower! We're going to fly out when she's in labor! Depending on how fast she has the baby and how fast we can get there, we'll get to be at the hospital with her... I can be in the room! Everything I've ever wanted could happen really soon. I'm a mess. I could cry just thinking about it.

I don't even know how to put all this into words. And I've left a lot of details out that are private, or not my business to share, or too hard to explain. So I think for now, I'll leave it at that.

It's all happening so fast......!!!!





9 comments:

  1. I can't tell you how happy this makes me! I can't wait to see you guys as parents and to see your sweet little baby boy!

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  2. @Anna - Awww....our babies can be buddies! Ahhh! Cuteness!!! I'm so excited!

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  3. That made me cry. What a wonderful story! I'm so happy for you guys and I hope everything goes just perfect.

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  4. @Jennifer - Thank you! Isn't it exciting?! It's been very interesting... I'm discovering a lot about myself... and about Zay. And I feel soooo blessed!

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  5. Hi! I stumbled across your blog a while ago and been following for weeks, so I thought I better say hi =) Congratulations on this very exciting news!!! Also, just wanted to let you know that I nominated you for a blog award. If you feel like participating, the details are over on my page.

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  6. Hi! This is Esther Smidt (from our married student ward at BYU). I came across your blog from the Farnsworths blog. Congratulations! I am so excited for you guys. After we struggled for years to have children I know the joy you are feeling when your dreams finally come true. I am really SO happy for you guys!

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  7. you make me cry when you write about adoption and becoming a parent. I've had a different experience and I love that you've shown me the other side of becoming a mother. You write beautifully and I love reading your honest thoughts and feelings. again we're so happy for you!

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  8. @Advo.cat - Thanks so much! If I had the time, I sure would... but things have been crazy around here for months now. Ha ha.

    @Esther - Hi! It's so good hearing from you! It's been awhile since the good old Wymount ward!

    @David and Melanie - :D I'm glad people can connect with what I'm saying, because I'm totally just spewing from my overflowing brain. Ha ha ha. I like to write to make sense of things and blogging forces me to at least make it semi-logical... so it's a huge help/therapy for me!

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  9. OMG this got me so excited! I can't wait to read what happens next, even though I already know what happens in the end awww!!

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