Thursday, March 3, 2011

I Can't Sleep

Photo: www.icanhascheezburger.com

I've been staying up way too late this past month. People keep telling me to "get all the sleep you can!" before the baby gets here, but with my mind racing and my excitement hitting a *peak*... I just can't get to sleep lately.

I'm pretty sure I could have written about 50 blog posts by now had my mind settled down to focus on one thing. But with only the month of February to prepare for a baby, I've been exhausted and absent-minded and on the verge of panicky.

My baby showers were definitely a success! I got to see sooo many friends... and just knowing that I have that much support just made me want to burst into tears, but instead I just grinned like a fool. :D People were so generous and supportive and I just couldn't believe that people could be so nice! I felt like I was the happiest girl in the world! One of my friends pointed out that I was glowing and that definitely hit one of those infertile nerves - never thought I'd hear that term in reference to me! Aww!

There's so much uncertainty that goes hand-in-hand with adoption. I'm right smack in the middle of what could be the worst part, but I feel so much reassurance that this really is going to happen and that God has His hand in all of this! Sometimes He just simply gives us exactly what we ask for... and that's amazing. I can't believe how quickly we've been able to develop a relationship with our birthmom and her family... that we had just enough money saved to cover initial adoption costs... and that we will be leaving very, very soon to experience something that I've only thought of happening in theory!

I can't wait to get to participate in the hospital experience. All I want is to be included, to be involved... I want to be in the delivery room. I would totally cut the umbilical cord if I was asked! I want to watch the circumcision. I want to spend time with just us, the baby, and the birthmom... I want to take lots of pictures. I want our birth mother to feel as little emotional pain as possible... Whatever we can do to make it easier for her, we will. I want things to be done the way she wants them to be done. I want the baby to be healthy... and there's no doubt he will be the cutest baby that ever was! right?!

I keep trying to imagine how this is all going to go down, but I know whatever I imagine isn't going to compare to reality. I know I'm going to be a mess. I'm already a mess. A huge emotional mess!

That's why I'm up so late (late for me... since I work at the crack of dawn, ha ha). I'm just trying to wrap my head around what's happening, at the same time trying to prepare myself for the best and the worst. I don't like going into things unprepared... and I'm terrified of things I've never done before. We don't have a clue what to expect, so we're totally winging it.

How can I sleep when she could go into labor ANY DAY NOW?!





3 comments:

  1. No need to fear and no rush to sleep either. you're going through everything a mom goes through, all the worries, all the joys, and sleepless nights before the baby is born. You're gonna be a great mom! The Lord loves you and has truly blessed you!

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  2. You are going to be a great mom. Just remember that the only manual you have in raising kids are the scriptures. I wish someone would have told me that a long time ago. Things will work out wonderfully. I love ya girl-friend.

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  3. @Mel - Looking back, I can see how normal my emotions were... but at the time I was scared out of my mind! Somehow that gives me comfort... that as "unnatural" as adoption is, I still felt all the "natural" feelings of a new mother. I know I was meant to be Kal's mother and I thank God everyday for guiding him to us!

    @Amelia - Thanks, girlie! I've found many scriptures referencing parenting that I can totally understand now! And I look at the scriptures in a new light now that I have my own little one. I'll always remember that advice... thanks. :)

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