Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Heartache of Infertility

 The day of Kal's baby blessing at Church - 5/22/2011

Last year's Mother's Day, I wasn't doing too well. When you want something so badly and it's mostly out of your hands, you can feel helpless and hopeless... I let it drag me down for awhile there. I call it the "infertility sting," and a lot of infertiles out there know what I'm talking about! You think you've accepted it and then OUCH, it hits you in the heart again.

Many a blog has quoted Barbara Eck Manning when she said, "My infertility resides in my heart as an old friend. I do not hear from it for weeks at a time, and then, a moment, a thought, a baby announcement or some such thing, and I will feel the tug-maybe even be sad or shed a few tears. And I think, "There's my old friend." It will always be part of me..."

I understood this more when I was childless. But since we adopted Kal, I have no desire to dwell on those negative feelings anymore. I consider it a blessing that I don't care too much about ever getting pregnant. The pregnancy itself wasn't what I was looking forward to, just the child. Adoption isn't a cure for infertility, but I wasn't seeking a cure. I was seeking the end result.

Is it weird that I have little to no desire to be a co-creator with God? I don't know what exactly makes me hesitate to even try fertility treatments again, but I'm just not drawn to it like I once was. Once I fell in love with adoption, I fell hard. Positive stories about adoption warm my heart. I almost feel like the only reason I went down that path was to discover adoption and find the real way my family was supposed to be created.

I don't know if I'll always feel this way... Especially since Zay still really does want to have at least one biological kid with me someday. I won't deny him that if it's something really important to him. And I think it would be interesting (is that the right word?) to get to go through pregnancy once. But we're not talking about it yet. We're so involved in loving on Kal that another child seems off in the distant future. Zay is so in love with Kal ("That's my boy!" ha ha)'s almost hard to imagine loving another child as much as we do this one! (I'm sure a lot of first-time parents feel that way...)

To me, creating more children in this world doesn't feel like the right path for me to take. Infertility just made that kind of thinking a little easier. There's so many children here already, being born this second, who need a good home. For me, getting pregnant and having a biological child just doesn't feel necessary. *shrugs*

I'm reminded of a quote from the movie "Martian Child" (amazing movie, by the way):  "I don't want to bring another kid into this world. But how do you argue against loving one that's already here?"

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