Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Should I Take Fertility Meds?: Cycle Day 1

I haven't been focused enough lately to blog. My journal's been taking a beating, though. Scattered thoughts as I try to figure out who I am and who I want to be and where I've been vs. where I'm going. I'm trying to understand choices... and free will... and sin... and if humans can really be anything divine when we're so inclined to do evil... and love (what does that really mean?)... and change/forgiveness/repentance... and what it means to be Christ-like, etc. etc. etc.

It's messy inside this brain of mine.

But I'm happy. Through it all, I still can't believe I'm a mom. It happened so fast. Kal is so perfect. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. That I'll never be good enough to be his mom.... But here I am. God orchestrated Kal's adoption for a reason... for lots of reasons, I'm sure... reasons I'll never fully understand. But I'm grateful. I'm happy. Nothing makes sense, but at the same time everything makes sense... I guess that's what confuses me.

Kal has the most hilarious personality. He squeals louder than I do! And that's hard to do. Ha ha. He's super silly and playful. Giggles at everything... especially when I exercise. I'll be trying to work out, doing some jumping jacks or something, and he will just be cracking up. I'm like, "KAL! Quit laughing at me while I'm exercising! You're making me self conscious!" Ha ha ha ha. He grins at me every single time... all mischievous. I love it.

I'm at a point where I feel antsy again. Like there's something I need to be doing... or getting ready to do. I get like that sometimes... like it's time for a change. That kind of feeling scares me, because I'm really not ready for any more changes. I dyed my hair... hoping that would get rid of the feeling. Lol. But that only satisfied me for a couple of weeks. Last time I got this feeling, we moved to a bigger place. Before that, we got a new cat. Before that, we adopted a baby. Lol. So who knows where this feeling could take me...

One thought I'm having right now is about whether or not I should finish up my fertility meds that are just sitting in a drawer, taunting me each time I open it in the morning to get my contacts. I've got choices... I can throw them away to get rid of the temptation? I can hold onto them a little longer (since they were so dang expensive) and maybe use them next year? Or... since I started my cycle today, I could use them right now and see what happens...?

I totally asked a magic eight ball what I should do. I asked, "Should I use my fertility meds this cycle?" The first answer was "Maybe." I laughed at that, cuz that gives me nothing! Ha ha. So I said, "Okay, okay... two out of three." The second answer was "Definitely." I thought, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's scary. 'Maybe' jumps to 'Definitely'??? Okay, one more time." The third answer was "Outlook not so good." Ha ha ha. So, maybe I should definitely use them, but the outlook doesn't look promising? Eh, I could live with that. So... fertility meds it is?

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