Monday, March 5, 2012

We Adopted a Baby - Soooo, Now What?

I focused a lot of time and energy and emotion into adoption - from the moment I knew it was something we were supposed to do until this very moment when I look at our beautiful child and wonder how I could ever be so blessed? The obsessive research, the looooong process, the things that were holding us back, the ups and downs of finding the right match with a birthmother, the emotional wreck I was watching a woman sign papers to relinquish her rights as a mother, the transition to becoming a mother myself, and the entire first year of our boy's life with its normal (but very new to me!) challenges... plus post-adoption depression and work distractions and marriage growing pains... ugh. BUT, we made it through. And I have never been happier. Our family has never been happier. Zay and I have managed to turn into quite an awesome team as parents. Date nights continue on as scheduled. We're on fire right now. ;)

For awhile there, when things weren't as balanced and we weren't as great of a team and my depression was weighing me down pretty heavily... I felt antsy and knew something needed to change. I kept thinking, now what? When does that happiness kick in? Is something wrong? Should I be doing something differently?? We adopted this baby... and here he is... but now what?! It was an odd feeling. I kept wondering if I should be taking my fertility drugs to try (yet again) to get pregnant. I was chasing the high of the adoption process. With all its craziness and stress, it was definitely an exciting time in my life... I kind of wanted that back! We humans are so weird. I was also trying to find something else, something new... to fill in that void I was feeling. Depression is a killer.

I have absolutely no advice on how to pull out of something like that. I don't even know how I did it myself, other than Zay stepping in and being SO AMAZING. I love my husband. He's a life saver. A solid backbone in our family. Someone Kal can look up to and learn from... someone he can be a knucklehead with. A constant. He's always there, always dedicated, always willing to sacrifice so that his family is happy and taken care of. That type of man is a dying breed...

So, now what? I usually always have a plan or a goal I'm working towards or an idea of where we're going next. I'm constantly fixated on the future. But that kind of thinking isn't necessary all the time. I'm letting myself enjoy the present. We're good in the here and now, so why complicate it? I'm happy, Zay's happy, Kal is probably the happiest boy I have ever seen! Ha ha. No need to change this up... Oh, I've got plenty of ideas (learning this dang guitar I bought and gave up on so fast, moving to a bigger place closer to my job, getting a nicer/safer car, adopting another baby, going on a cruise, doing the Tough Mudder competition along with various 5ks, going back to school to get my Master's, going to cosmetology school and specializing in some kind of make-up artistry, teaching English in Japan, moving to Alaska for fun, etc. etc. etc.)... but holy cow, I just need to calm down and enjoy my 1-year-old! He is amazing and he's all I need to be focused on right now. I don't want to look back and regret not spending more time with him or regret being preoccupied with all my brilliant ideas. Ha ha.

When we're ready to adopt again, you guys will be the first to know! It will be exciting and scary and I'll record it all here... and I'll do a better job next time around about consistently documenting the experience. But, it's not happening right this second. Right now, I'm enjoying my family of 3 and living and breathing and loving life the way it is. :)

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