Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Living Life Authentically

My little stud. ;) Loving all his mommy time, but tired of posing for the camera. Ha ha.

I planned to work when I became a mom. It was never my goal to be a stay-at-home mother. I don't knock those who choose that lifestyle, but it's not something I ever wanted for myself. I'm goal-oriented and like to be productive and have a structured life. For me, that means I need to work. It's much easier to be motivated to live a life like that when you have a job and a routine. Staying at home means you have to rely on self-motivation to live a life like that, and although it can be done... it's much harder.

You hear that? Being a stay-at-home mother is much harder.

For my children's sake, though... I knew I wanted at least one parent home while they were young. Zay and I have both taken on that role as necessary and we will continue to do that for as long as possible. And let me tell you... being home with Kal has been AMAZING. I wouldn't trade the time we've had together for anything. I missed him so much when I was working and now I get to spend every single day filling up my heart bowl with his sugar. Ha ha! I am beyond grateful that I've gotten the opportunity to stay home with him.

My decision to quit my job was surprising to a lot of people. Out of the blue. I loved my actual job and it was our income, our financial plan... it didn't make sense to quit. But the truth is, I quit my job because it was destroying me. In my daily life when I was working, I was always trying to uplift others, create a positive atmosphere, be optimistic and happy and make work enjoyable. I treated others like they were worth something and tried to make them feel like they could do anything. I was friendly and cheerful. Honest and open. Willing to work hard and do my part. Sounds good, right?

Well, it kind of backfired. People didn't take me seriously. People made fun of me for being super bouncy/optimistic/upbeat, or people got unhealthily attached to me and took me the wrong way. It took every bit of emotional energy I had just to get through each day. The balance in my life got completely out of whack, because I was so tied up in this job and these people that were driving me crazy. I was shocked at the environment that was created there - a place I expected to be clean and wholesome and respectful and uplifting. I let myself feel defeated and I lost who I was for a second there. I believed what people would say about me. I let people talk about me. I fed the rumors. I was so fed up with the place.

I'm a huge personality-mirrorer (it's how I've learned to adapt in many different social situations so that I can usually get along with anybody), so I started to become like the people around me... who in large part were flawed, insecure, downer people. Or bold and arrogant, manipulative rather than genuinely wanting the people around them to be happy. Liars. Cowards. Gossips. I started reflecting a lot of the negative qualities in the people around me until I got fed up with it all and I quit. It didn't mesh well with me at all. I didn't feel valued for who I am and the negativity was a disease that was spreading. I could kick myself for not speaking up the minute I felt uncomfortable. It was a slow build until I knew there was no way I could spend another day there unless I was going to sell out and lose my integrity. I had stopped listening to myself and had started listening to everybody else, torn in so many directions. That's not me. I had to leave.

My big stud. ;) Happy to see me happy again.

Now that I've been out of the workplace for a few months, I've had time to reevaluate and readjust and get back to the "me" that makes me happy. I am genuine, honest-to-goodness ME again and I am friggin awesome - how did I ever let people change me so much? Lol! I like to feel inspired and I like to inspire. I like people to pursue their interests and support me in my pursuits as well, no matter how "crazy" they may seem. So I've surrounded myself with inspiring people and people who get me rather than try to change me. I got rid of the people in my life who were uninspiring or negative. I can't believe the difference it has made. I can't believe how much of a roller-coaster I've been on when this whole time I could've been smiling and laughing and giving my family all my love and attention. THIS FEELS SO MUCH BETTER.

I didn't fit in at that job and I hated it. Apparently, I'm not in the norm with the way I think and the way I wish the world was, because I got made fun of. Are people not used to seeing someone who wants to enjoy life? Do we really want to mope around and see who can complain about their life the most? Why do people want to tear other people down? Why did I allow myself to care so much about people who didn't give a dang about me or would lie to my face or manipulate me into thinking what they wanted me to think?

Life is meant to be enjoyed, not strangled to death with mediocrity or ruined with selfishness and arrogant power trips. Rationalizing everything you do so you can feel better about sinning isn't right. Lying to get out of trouble isn't right. I will never be that person. I'm one of the most honest people I know and it's sad to me that honesty is a forgotten virtue. And that people can talk themselves into doing the worst things. What is wrong with people??

Sorry, I'm ranting... but...

I'm embarrassed that I allowed other people to tell me who I am and mold me into something I'm not because of their weaknesses and their insecurities. Downright ashamed of myself and furious about the sacrifice I had to make because I didn't do something about it sooner. I let myself believe lies until I couldn't tell what was true vs. untrue anymore.

My faith in humanity was shaken. I put too much trust in the people around me... had much higher expectations for them and myself. But I've made a promise to myself that I will stay strong and authentic from here on out. There will never be a repeat of that experience. I will be genuine. Honest. Put my trust in God, where it belongs. Immediately put people in their place rather than letting wrongs slide, especially when I'm in a professional environment (hello?!). I will not let people change me or bring me down. I will choose my friends wisely. I will stand up for myself rather than let myself get trampled. And I will continue to be me, and happy, and excited about life... no matter if I keep staying at home or I go back to school or I get another job or whatever! Bring it on. I am so much stronger and more confident now. :)

Can you think of anything that's more "authentic Alice Anne" than this? I doubt it. Lol.

Love my fam! We are so redneck, ha ha!!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Gadgets By Spice Up Your Blog