Monday, January 28, 2013

A Moment of Clarity

You may not know it to look at me, but I have been having an identity crisis for a few years now. Actually, I'm pretty positive you can tell by looking at me... given I can't stick with a style or a hair color. Lol. But I digress. It goes much deeper than that.

I have had a very, very hard time sticking up for myself. Or having any confidence in myself at all. Social anxiety. Etc. Etc. Etc. It's been overwhelming at times. Learning to be a mother added another layer to it all. I've been known to ask people how they perceive me and then freak out when they give me an answer that I wasn't aware of - do people really see me like that??

But over the past year, I've been working through all my deep-seated issues one-by-one. It's been fuuuuun, yall. I needed to go all the way back to my childhood and process every traumatic experience from then until the present. Let's just say I haven't had it easy. But I won't go into that here. It has taken a lot of struggling with certain events and triggers, two steps forward and one step back with each one, until peace has come... confidence has grown... and I'm starting to learn who I am, and that I'm okay with who that person is. This has taken a lot of work. It was a frustrating process that didn't happen all at once.

I've had these "moments of clarity," where I stop to observe where I am and what I'm doing and who I'm with... and I'm completely content with it all, completely content with me in that moment. I haven't had many of these moments in my life, but I've been having them all the time lately. I have made tremendous progress. :)

This may make no sense to anyone else, but for me... this was one of those moments, earlier this month. I'll try to paint the picture for you.......


I'm dressed in my Georgia Bulldog sweats. It is too cold to go outside and we're basically snowed in, so no point in dressing up today if I'm not going anywhere. Plus I'm redneck, so of course I'm barefoot (and Kal has no pants on, but that's another story).

It's been a few weeks since my gothic blue-black hair dye job, so my roots are showing again. I keep wondering when I'm gonna have time to pick up some blue hair extensions at Hot Topic...?

I answer a phone call from our adoption caseworker. Dangit, where did I put that paper I was supposed to turn in? Scatterbrain is permanent now that I'm a mother. Does it get worse with two kids? Cuz I might end up losing one of them if that's the case.

My Dominican client is slouched in the chair in front of me as I moisturize and cornrow his hair. I'm proud of him for his complete 180 turn-around with his hair. It's super healthy now. When he first came to me a few years ago he couldn't get a comb through it.

I've got a country song stuck in my head - "Strawberry Wine" - and I think to myself that all my old favorites come into replay in my head when I haven't listened to the radio in awhile. And it's been AWHILE. I used to listen to the radio on my way to and from work, but those days are o-vah!

One of my all-time favorite comedies - Hot Rod - is playing on the big screen and blaring out of the speakers (love the 80's soundtrack to that movie!). "You're bout to make tears come outta my face!" I start giggling.

"I found this bag of fireworks in the men's restroom. Would you guys like to light them off?"

Two other Dominican guys take up my living room, and suddenly a very LOUD Spanish conversation breaks out. I love Latinos. They're so excitable. :) One guy yells at me (I'm sure he's not trying to yell), "If you wanna party, THIS is the guy to hang with!" - pointing to my client in the chair. I say, "Does it look like I party?" Ha ha. I look down at my full-on stay-at-home mom comfortableness and laugh. He laughs too. He obviously thinks I'm a party-er. Well, I've been known to get a little crazy...

There's the faint smell of greasy hot wings drifting in from the kitchen. I think we ate that (and only that) for our last meal. I go in and out of my vegetarianism. But I'm okay with that. Baby steps.

Zay is in the other room, listening to hip hop (before our customers showed up, we were both cuddled up in the bed listening to CNN radio...). He's cutting a flat-top (think Kid from Kid-n-Play, or the Fresh Prince) for a teenaged bi-racial kid who wants to make a statement and bring it back in style, I'm sure. I am positive he doesn't need a crazy hairstyle just to stand out in white-washed Utah. But it's an awesome hair 'do, complete with a lightning bolt on the side and everything. Every once in awhile I sneak in and smile at Zay and his work. Then I hussle back to finish my braiding.

Kal is pulling every single cereal box from the pantry shelves while seriously bobbing his head to whatever song he's listening to on his new Christmas present mp3 player (do 1-year-olds need mp3 players??). Then he runs around the living room giving high-fives and showing off his toy robot to our clients. He has so many opportunities to interact with many, many different people because of this hair business. Everybody loves him. He thinks that they are there just to play with him!

My kitties are hiding in the laundry room, curled up into one big cat poof together... purring loudly.

Annnnd.... this is my life. :)


This wasn't a "perfect" moment or anything. Nothing fantastically amazing was happening. I wasn't doing everything "just right"... but I was me and I was totally cool with that. I was thinking about things, but I wasn't anxious about anything. Just... peaceful. "Everything is right in the world" kind of feeling. I'm me... and that's okay.

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