Saturday, May 25, 2013

"Paper Pregnant": Doesn't Feel Real Yet

I am loving this weather! The winter sucked. But now the sun and the heat are making me so, so happy! Most of the day we play outside until Kal is completely worn out. I am attempting to start a vegetable garden. I love having a yard to just putter around in.

Everything seems to be going smoothly (as in, uneventfully) with this adoption situation... so far.

There hasn't been any going-back-and-forth, wondering if the birthmom is going to change her mind or not. She actually picked us pretty fast, with no hesitation. There are no big issues with the birthfather situation, although I don't think parental rights have been relinquished quite yet. D was the one and only expectant parent we've even talked to this time around, so I don't feel my heart being pulled in several different directions like last time. We were chosen with enough time to prepare, so it hasn't been a mad dash to get everything together. We're pretty much prepared and ready to go.

It almost seems too good to be true.

And it also doesn't seem real to me at all. It hasn't sunk in yet.

Even with talking to D... she's definitely much more reserved than I'm used to, and I honestly don't know how well we'll get to know her beforehand. Last time, meeting birthmoms was like this deep, emotional, soul-searching interaction with someone. I am so open and so in-your-face and so emotional. This time, a wall is already put up between us and her, and I'm not quite sure how to handle that just yet. It definitely makes things feel a little unreal. We don't even know what D looks like. No Facebook chatting. Long stretches between emails. It's just... different.

Bonding with the birthmom is kind of how I handled adoption last time. Kal's birthmom K is family to me. I have the utmost respect for her. Her family is family to me. I treasured each and every email and text and phone call as we were getting to know her. Meeting her was so, so, so great. Visiting with her and her family after Kal was born and since then... has always been beautiful. Slightly nerve-wracking, but that has lessened with time... and always beautiful.

Even saying all this out loud, writing it down, talking with friends, hiring our lawyer (who I like way better than our previous lawyer), coordinating things with the caseworkers, finding a photographer (I want to be in the pictures, not have the camera around my neck the whole time!), and prepping for the baby... none of it feels real. Like at any moment, we could just hear "psych!" and it all be a joke. "Just kidding!" And life would just go on as it has been. I'm sure it's the distance, and not meeting D yet. I'm hoping we can get there early and have a chance to meet her beforehand. Maybe go out to eat. Because I don't know how much awkwardness I can handle... like, meeting someone while they're pushing a baby out? Uhhhhhh.....

Back to the not-feeling-real thing... There's just something about adoption that's just... not quite a pregnancy. Not that it's second-best or not as good as "having my own children." You know I would never in a million years feel that way about adoption! It's just that there's a distance there. I don't have the physical evidence growing inside me and popping out for the world to see. That's D's privilege, not mine. I don't even really know the woman who says she will trust me to be a mother to her son. So, there's a disconnect. I know that it'll all wash away as soon as we see her and we step through those hospital doors, but for now... are you sure this isn't a joke? :)

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