Sunday, July 28, 2013

Grief is an Odd Thing

Grief is a hard thing to recognize sometimes. I honestly didn't know I was grieving until a friend pointed it out. A friend who has had 5 miscarriages! Ouch. She's well acquainted with grief.

I've been going about my life, jumping right back in. Hiking mountains, running races, signing up for a Brazilian dance workshop (it's gonna be SO great). Wrestling with Kal. Going on family jogs in the evening. Teaching myself to cook. Braiding hair. Working a little bit here and there on The Fat Squid. Church activities (loved the yoga class we had!). Enjoying so much time with my hubby before he goes back to work tomorrow morning (noooo!)...

But I've also been seriously absentminded. I have this fuzzy feeling in my brain. It takes me a little while to be able to focus on anything. It's hard to explain... but you know that feeling when you walk into a room and then you can't remember what you went in there for? Starting a sentence and then forgetting what you were trying to say? I've been feeling like that A LOT. Out of it. Loopy. Having difficulty creating a coherent thought.

Zay quietly told me one day that he had been looking forward to Kal being a big brother and that it was a shame that it didn't happen and it's all up in the air again. I sure wish I could change it. I don't want Zay to be sad. All he's ever wanted was to be a father and to be a good father. And I can't give that to him. And I can't tell him everything's going to be okay, because I thought things were going to be okay this time and they weren't. I feel like it's my fault. I'm too trusting.

I wanted to just move on and pretend the whole adoption thing never happened. Because, it didn't happen. It wasn't even real, I told myself. It wasn't my story. Not my baby. My baby's still out there somewhere and I was just mistaken about this one. Stupid me. I felt silly being sad about losing something that was never even mine to begin with. Not even real. Just a bump in the road to finding our child. That is all.

But... my friend is so wise. She told me what I was feeling was very real. Similar to what a miscarriage does to you. For instance... if you miscarry early on in your pregnancy or if you miscarry when you didn't know you were pregnant, you may start to think it wasn't even real. That it wasn't a real child. But it's still a loss. Something that needs to be processed and it will affect everyone a little differently. There's no one way to grieve and you can grieve differently each time you experience a loss. It's very personal and unique to the situation. You just have to let yourself feel what you're feeling. No one can tell you how you're supposed to grieve.

I've been hurt, sad, angry, frustrated, and in denial of the whole thing. And now I'm walking around with a serious case of fuzzy-brain. Lol. Numb, I guess.

So... we (Zay is definitely grieving, but differently than me) are grieving the loss of an idea. A very real idea, a dream. We planned for our lives to go one way and they didn't, so the loss is real. We had imagined a life that we lost. Our love for this child was real, no matter how the adoption turned out.

It's not fair to myself to deny the realness of it. I have to allow myself to feel what I'm feeling. Pretending like it didn't happen isn't going to help me get through it any better.

Thank goodness I have such great people surrounding me. Supporting me. Telling me to GRIEVE! Bringing me treats. Stopping by to check on me. Who invite me to climb mountains and go dancing. Thank goodness I've got a husband who'll run 5k's with me and cook me great food and cuddle with me ALL DAY if I need it.

The thing is, it just takes time. Time I didn't want to give to grief. But it's not something you can fast forward, you've just gotta feel it. So, I took a day and I journaled and journaled and journaled until I got out every feeling I had. Good and bad. Just blurted it all out and got it off my chest. And I'll keep doing that, and keep venting to the people who love and support me, and keep praying (today I prayed at Church and thanked God for our trials) until peace comes.

My current journal. I go through like 6 a year, ha ha. Love it. :)

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