Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Journaling Through Our Adoption Trip: Day 1

The closer this adoption gets, the more nervous I've gotten. At first I thought maybe I just had “new mom jitters” all over again, that I was nervous about having two kids all of a sudden. But really I'm just nervous about the adoption going smoothly. Some friends have asked, “Why are you nervous? You've done this before.” But honestly, every adoption is different. Every expectant mother is in a completely different situation that has led her to an adoption plan. You can't really say how it's going to play out. The lack of consistent communication has me on edge. I just want to fast forward a month to see what happens.

I can tell Zay is worried as well, but he hasn't wanted to talk about it up until recently. He keeps it all inside and I know he just wants to know if he's going to have another son or not. He doesn't want to allow himself to get his hopes up about being a father again. Over the weekend he's been complaining of a headache. I don't think I can put him through this a third time. I'll see how we feel a little down the road, but for now I think this'll be it. If this adoption goes through, we probably won't do it anymore. I can feel our adoption energy being spent.

Zay finally broke his silence and let me know how nervous he was. He confirmed what I thought – that he didn't think he could do this anymore. Even though we are raising one of the most amazing little boys ever because of adoption, it's really hard emotionally to adopt.

Part of the problem for me was just how much time was left between being matched with an expectant mom and when she's due to have him. That's a lot of time to prepare, so we got a lot done... but it was also a lot of time to worry, a lot of time to get attached. We bought a minivan for our roadtrip across the country and to accommodate our soon-to-be bigger family (how exciting!!), friends showed up with new baby clothes and lots of congratulations, I ordered some new bottles, we stocked up on formula, brought out all of Kal's baby stuff like his swing that he loved, set up the crib and put Kal in his own toddler bed, Zay took time off work, we doubled up on hair appointments to make sure we got all our clients in before we took off, I got a cute little traveling bassinet for baby to sleep in at the hotel, we paid both lawyer's fees and got in all the last minute paperwork, etc. We are prepared as best as we can be, but it's still not in our hands. So, nervous we shall be.

There was a moment when I was packing our suitcase and I had stuff scattered all around the living room as I tried to figure out all that we would need. We don't know how long it will take before we can leave Louisiana – ICPC has to clear and that could take 2 days or 2 weeks, who knows. Also, we don't know how the birth father situation is going to play out (what Zay is most worried about), so that could hold things up as well. We could be in Louisiana for a few weeks. Anyways, so I was trying to decide what to pack and the thought occurred to me, “Is it totally crazytown to drive across the country early like this?” D hasn't emailed us back in a couple weeks. She didn't show up to a meeting she had with the lawyer last week. This is totally crazy, isn't it?

It totally may be. BUT, I'm putting my faith in what we've been told. D hasn't given us any reason to think we shouldn't come. She told us the hospital and the induction date, calls the baby our son, told us specifically that she knew what kind of emotional damage it would do to back out (so she made absolute certain before she even initially contacted us that this is what she wanted to do), and has made it seem like she is so ready for this to be over, that we'd make great parents, that Kal would be a great big brother, that she'd love for us to be the parents. She also made it clear that she didn't want to see the baby at all, so we're headed out there early to make sure we are there for her at the hospital and that someone will be there for the baby when she can't do it. This isn't crazy, we're not crazy. We just have faith. So I kept packing.

We headed out after Church on Sunday. I had to hurry and get something done for my calling since I'd be gone and wouldn't be able to contribute for a few weeks. The minivan is stocked with food and water and entertainment. Kal loves this minivan – I'm expecting he'll do great on the trip. And we're off!

The plan is to drive through Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, Texas, and then Louisiana. It's 27 hours straight through, but we'll stop along the way. We should be there Tuesday. The baby's due on Wednesday! D is being induced. We'll make it there just in time. This is so perfect. :) I was so worried he was going to come early, but now that we're on our way I feel relaxed.

Zay and I haven't had an opportunity to talk like this in a long time! We are totally being silly and laughing a lot. This is gonna be a great trip. :) I keep yelling, “Road trip!!!” and trying to give him a high five, ha ha. He just laughs at me and refuses. He says he'll give me a high five when we get there.

We made it to Southern Utah with all the beautiful red rocks and arches.

Lots of bugs on the windshield... ewww.

Zay put in the new Justin Timberlake CD and we jammed all the way through it. Singing at the top of our lungs. Kal totally bobbed his head and kicked his feet the whole time. That boy has some rhythm and good taste in music. :)

I told Kal to smile and instead he shoved his sippy cup in his mouth and laughed at me.

We stopped in Moab somewhere, couldn't find a gas station so we pulled into a motel parking lot. We got out and stretched. I totally changed a poopy diaper right there in the parking lot. Kal and I ran sprints from the minivan to a nearby fence, back and forth. He found some rocks to throw. It was nice to take a breather before heading out again.

It's definitely all desert out here. Zay asked me if we were going to make it out of the desert before tonight, but we won't. The goal is to get halfway through New Mexico and find a rest area somewhere so we can sleep a little. He said, “Dangit! Now we've gotta be on the lookout for deer and leprechauns and coyotes (pronounced 'ky-oats')... and other fairytale creatures!” Lol.

First we had to make it through lots of road work.

We made it to deer country. Deer crossing signs were everywhere. There were cattle crossing signs, tractor signs. Those deer crossing signs seriously freak me out. How terrifying would it be if a deer came out of the woods looking like that? Leaping with its front feet in the air?? Ha ha ha. Zay says the deer are doing the Thriller dance. Yeah, I know. Terrifying!

I was driving and my eyes were scanning back and forth across the road, looking for darting deer that would come into my path. Zay was asleep in the passenger seat but he all of a sudden jumped awake and said, “Holy crap! Watch out for that deer!” There was this GIGANTIC buck in the other lane, just standing there... looking all regal, motionless. Holy crap is right!! Where did that thing come from?! Zay said, “How did you not see that?!” and I was like, “I don't know – it wasn't moving!” Lol. We drove super slow and careful the rest of the day.

There's a thunderstorm ahead of us. We love rain, so we couldn't wait to hit it. We kept chasing it towards New Mexico, but it only sprinkled on us. Sad. But, we made it to New Mexico! The sign says “New Mexico: The Land of Enchantment,” lol.

There are lots of dead deer along the road. Not a good sign. We've got another 100 miles to go before our goal for driving for the night. Where are all the rest stops?? They disappeared. Omg, we just saw an even bigger deer just munching on grass a foot from our car on the right side of the road. It was the biggest thing I've ever seen. I said, “Was that a grizzly bear?!” Its eyes were glowing in the dark. I don't know what that beast was.

It's too dark to drive through deer country and we're tired, so we pulled over at a Conoco somewhere and just parked and slept for a couple hours. Kal is doing amazing. We got him some new Superman cartoon DVDs to watch in the back, so he watched those and listened to our music and looked out the window and ate snacks and slept. Perfect little road trippin' buddy.

I ran in to use the gas station bathroom and laughed at the assortment of condoms you could buy from a little dispenser. We're not in Utah anymore!! Lol. In my stall, someone had written, “Yo mom is so stupid she stole a free sample.” That made me giggle.

It was super uncomfortable sleeping in the car. I asked Zay, “Can you give yourself scoliosis sleeping like this?” I changed Kal's diaper and got out and walked around with him in my arms for a little bit before we headed out again. We're gonna make it to that rest area, dangit.

We saw another crossing sign and Zay said, “What is that? A moose crossing?!” I closed my eyes and tried to sleep while Zay hunched over the wheel, spotting deer left and right. We slowly made it through New Mexico. I brought out the portable DVD player and put some Bernie Mac episodes on so that we could have something to listen to that would keep ourselves awake. At 4-something in the morning we stopped at McDonald's and got some breakfast. I wanted to avoid fast food eating, but we wanted something warm after eating cold food from the cooler all day. Gas was cheap all of a sudden – the lowest we saw was $3.09/ gallon (when we left Provo it was $3.89/ gallon), so we kept filling up.

We finally got to a real rest stop! Kal had been holding one of those baby food pouches and had somehow managed to pour it all down the back of his neck, so we got out and cleaned him up the best we could, used the bathroom, and kicked back for some more sleep. Day 1 down! Only like 1300 miles to go. Totally worth it. :)

Click for Day 2

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