Friday, July 12, 2013

Journaling Through Our Adoption Trip: Day 8


When we woke up this morning, I changed Kal's diaper, showed him some cool things at the New Mexico Visitor's Center (they had a cast of a brontosaurus hip bone with claw marks and teeth punctures in it from a meat-eating dinosaur), and then told him we needed to get back on the road!

I drove first today. For four hours. Saw a sign that said “Speed Detected by Aircraft” and we laughed about that. What does that even mean?! Sounds like aliens.

Near Albuquerque we saw this weird crystal thing jutting out of a mountain. Like clear kryptonite, an alien landing or something. Don't know what that was about. New Mexico's a little odd.

Stopped at Denny's for breakfast at 9am. Great food. Kal pranced around the place. He does this thing where he hops around, high stepping... knees up. It's hard to explain. We just say he's high-stepping again. He's just so excited he has to prance around with a hop, skip, and a jump. People are always commenting on how cute he is. One lady laughed and said she wished we all had his get-up-and-go! Lol. I love him so much more deeply now that I realize how blessed we are to have him. Not that I didn't realize it before, but it sunk in a little deeper on this trip and after those turn of events.


Now that we're really awake and ready to knock out the rest of this trip, we popped in Justin Timberlake again and got to singing really loud. “Mirrors” is my favorite song. Zay and I had a cute little moment when we were singing to each other and the lyrics just seemed to fit.

"'Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go"
"I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now"
"And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making two reflections into one
'Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me"

I tried to drive a couple more hours after Denny's until I got sleepy. I pulled over on the side of the road and switched with Zay so I could take a nap. I woke up an hour later feeling beat up and the beginnings of a cold coming on. Man, this trip would've been so much more leisurely and happy if we had adopted that baby. We would've stopped at hotels and had such an amazing little thing to devote all our attention and happiness towards. I would've been teaching Kal how to be a big brother and I would've been in the back making bottles. Ugh. The weight of not having that is heavy. Kal doesn't know he's missing something not having a little brother, so I feel like I'm grieving for the both of us.

“Welcome to Colorful Colorado!” says the sign. What color?? It's desert.

I was staring off out the window and daydreaming and Zay yelled, “Look at the baby sheep!” all excitedly. I laughed so hard. I don't know why he was so giddy about baby sheep. So cute. I had been lost in thought and didn't see them.

The thing is, I was so excited for my life to change again. Nervous, but not about having a child, not really. That's the easy part. Just nervous about the adoption and I guess I had good reason to be. But I wanted so badly to be a mother of two. To not have that right now just sucks horribly. I was being silly when I said earlier that this all didn't feel real and was it just a joke? But now it seems it was a joke. A joke on us. So not funny. Now I have to get home, unpack all this baby stuff, and put it away out of sight, see the crib everyday that's set up next to Kal's toddler bed, hide the clothes and swing and toys and bottles. I totally thought my life was going to be different, better, with another son to love. We prepared for months for this. And it was taken away. And that joy I found in adoption has been taken away.

Why couldn't we have gotten one word from her? She didn't owe us anything. Not a baby, that's for sure. But one word? Just one word would've been nice.

I'm conflicted, because I am totally pro-expectant mom. I think she should be given every chance to change her mind and be given support no matter what she chooses. It's not about us. It's about her and what she wants and what she thinks is best for her child. She should be shown all her options and the pros and cons of every choice without being pressured into one decision. And ultimately, it is totally fine that she changed her mind. That's the right of a mother to make decisions about her children's future. It's that we weren't told a word that frustrates me. We could've been told, even if all she had to tell us was that she was having second thoughts or that she wasn't so sure anymore. Anything. We could've focused our attention on other opportunities. We didn't have to drive across the country just to be left out. That doesn't make any sense to me.

Kal is taking his afternoon nap. He is doing so well. I brought out my good camera that Zay got me for Mother's Day. I didn't get to use it like I thought I would, so I snapped a few pictures of Kal and of some rocks somewhere between Colorado and Utah. I think we're in Utah.







We switched and I drove the last long stretch home. The familiar roads gave us comfort. It's almost over.

As soon as we got home, I went to work - I immediately cleaned the entire minivan out, put everything away, and let everyone know we made it home safely. I couldn't sit still. I had to make everything better.

Zay is taking some personal leave from his job so we can transition back to “normal” and have some time to figure out what we do now. What I'm thinking now is this – we won't give up on adopting because of one set back. But it hurt a lot more than I imagined. And we'll have to go about the next one a little differently to protect ourselves the best we can. We might need a little break before we try again. But when we do, I know there is a child that we can bring into our home and cherish with every ounce of love we have to give, a child who can be a little sibling to Kal and fit right in with our family. I love my family so much. 

We went for a walk and my heart was bursting with gratitude for what I have. I watched Zay carry Kal on his shoulders and I thought... there are children who need a father. There will be an expectant mom who will want that for her child. And she will find us. She will want to open up to us and communicate and be a friend. I don't know when that'll be or how we'll know it's the right situation, but it'll happen. It happened before.





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