Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Journaling Through Our Adoption Trip: Day 2

Kal and I woke up before Zay at the rest stop this morning. We got a good few hours of sleep. I asked Kal what he wanted to do this morning while daddy was still sleeping and he said, “Ummmmmm...” and smacked his teeth, thinking hard and tapping his finger to his chin. Lol. He's such a character. He pointed at a stroller in the back, so I got it out and let him push it all around the rest area. 

He takes his stroller pushing very seriously.

There were lots of semi-truck drivers parked there. And people out smoking – seriously, who smokes anymore? Don't we all know better by now? There was a girl wondering around asking if anyone had a gas can, but we didn't. She had run out of gas and was stranded. I tried to think of how we could help her, but she disappeared. Hopefully someone else helped her out.

While we were walking around, this guy in a minivan parked next to ours got out of the driver's seat in a huff, furiously slid open the side door, and started yelling at his teenaged son. I totally stood there and watched the drama. The dad was like, “Get out of the car! Get out! Only you could make 6 other people miserable!” Something to that effect. The kid refused to get out and they yelled back and forth for a good couple of minutes before the dad got back in the driver's seat. Wow. Parenting at its finest.

Zay woke up not too long after that and he showed me a picture he had took of me sleeping. Worst picture ever, lol. My eyes were half open and my mouth was fully open. I'm a mess. Plus I'm nervous about this whole thing, so I'm breaking out and sweating. I'm just a complete mess. No way I'm posting that picture. :)

We got back on the road and I drove, Zay slept. We made it to Texas and I stopped at a picnic area. There were beetles and grasshoppers and gnats everywhere. I haven't seen so many bugs since our last trip to Georgia. Definitely don't miss bugs, but Kal had fun pointing them out and saying “ewwwww.” Kal and I got out and ran some sprints. I asked him if he wanted to do some pushups and he hopped right down on the ground and gave me 10. Lol. It was funny because I looked over at a truck driver who had gotten out and started doing the same thing. Truck driving has to be an awfully boring job, but good for that guy for trying to stay in shape!

In the middle of nowhere, Texas.

Snack time!

Fascinated with bugs.

I kept trying to use my phone, but it just refused to connect to anything out here in the middle of nowhere. Zay's worked fine, using GPS constantly and still being able to browse the web and do whatever. Mine wouldn't even take phone calls, so it was hard to answer all the people who wanted to know if we were safe and how things were going.

Zay woke up and got out with us and asked, “Are we there yet?” Ha ha. He noticed something dripping from under the car, so I got under there and checked it out but it was just water. He thought it was probably just the air conditioner, which we'd been running constantly – Texas is HOT. The bugs tried to follow us back in the car. Eek!

Daddy's awake!

Zay drove now that he's rested, Kal scribbled on his etch-a-sketch wannabe (a doodle board), and I wrote in my journal and stared out the window, daydreaming. It's nice when I get a chance to write. :)

Our clocks went forward an hour. We're now in Central Time.

A sign said to not pick up hitchhikers because they could be escaped inmates. Whaaaaaat...!

Zay asked had I talked to the Louisiana lawyer yet, since D wasn't answering us. I think I talked to her last on Friday or Saturday and told her when we were leaving. She said she was still trying to reschedule her meeting with D, but she wasn't getting an answer. Ugh. I have a knot in my stomach. Honestly, I didn't want to talk to the lawyer. I didn't want to call. I didn't want to hear bad news. So I had been putting it off. I just wanted things to go the way I had imagined them in my head. :(

I sent a text to the lawyer, not even knowing if it would go through. Stupid phone. A few minutes later a voicemail popped up – I guess the text went through but when she tried to call me back it went straight to voicemail, so I called from Zay's phone and listened to her tell me that she still hadn't heard from D... but that she had sounded excited to get through all this when her paralegal had talked to her last (when they scheduled the appointment that she ended up missing). She suggested I email her, which I'd already done multiple times. :(

Big sigh.

My whole positive view came crashing down as I recognized the signs of an expectant mother changing her mind about her adoption plan. Instead of saying anything, she disappears. Ugh. I didn't want to believe it, but I had to prepare myself for the heartbreak. I'm realizing how unlikely it is that this will work out. A friend told me (who is a birth mom herself) that most people would have the decency to tell the adoptive parents before they drove across the country. And I thought, “Yeah. That's true. Maybe everything's fine, she's just busy. She would tell us if she was having second thoughts. Right??” Zay said, “All of this just feels sketchy.”

We stopped at a rest area, halfway through Texas. We let Kal run around being silly while we sat down and talked and thought it through. We could turn around. We could go back home now. I fought back tears and told him I was worried he was going to be mad at me – that he was going to think that it was my idea to drive all this way. And that it's all going to fall apart and he's going to blame me. He looked at me and said that he could never be mad at me. That he would follow me to the ends of the earth. And that we were in this together. 

I let myself cry. 

We hugged a tight, never-let-me-go, possibly grieving hug, and stared off into the NOTHING that is Texas desert. We took a few minutes to play with Kal. An outpouring of love for him came out of me. I was so grateful for him, our little miracle. No matter what happens, we have him. He's here with us. I gave him a huge hug that he tried to squirm out of just so he could run around in circles some more and chase birds. I felt a warm rush of happiness. I love my family so much.

We sucked it up, because there was a possibility that another child needed us and was going to be with us. And we kept going, although slowly and sadly at first.

I kept reminding myself that... meanwhile, there is an expectant mom who is struggling to know what the right thing is to do for her son. Who is going through all this virtually alone, even if she's surrounded by people. I don't know her, but I want to know her. I do know a little bit about what she's going through and it is crazy difficult and I hope she can find peace once this is all said and done. This is about our joint love for the same child. It's not about us and what we want.

And so we continued on, trying to enjoy the journey.

Laughing at this place's name: "Toot 'n Totum" ... only in the South. :)

Kal says he is so done with this trip. Lol. No, he was actually just hiding his face from me taking a picture. :)

Zay was excited to see black people on horses, lol. He even called his mom and was like, "Guess what I just saw??" Ha ha!!

We stopped at a gas station and I got attacked by bugs. I tried to stay calm, but they were huge... and landing on me!

We stopped a couple times for food, Sonic and Burger King. Kal is eating his kid's meal right now. He's been doing pretty amazingly well this whole trip, but I felt bad that he wasn't getting a lot of chances to run around and burn his energy. So we tried to make up for it by paying him lots of attention in the car, trying to make him laugh. We had some really fun moments with him in the car – making goofy noises and faces in the mirror, singing kids songs, dancing to music, and beatboxing. Kal's beatboxing attempts are so adorably hilarious!! Watching Zay try to make Kal laugh made me realize how much I love him. So much more now than ever.

We made it to our hotel at 3 in the morning. We were about 12 hours early because Zay got a burst of driving energy when we were on the last stretch and didn't want to stop to sleep. I felt like a zombie, still sad that D wouldn't email us and tell us anything at all. I had so much faith, but the evidence of her withdrawing was just too obvious to brush off anymore... now that it was real, now that we were in Louisiana.

The guy at the check-in desk was really rude. First he had me trying to talk to him through an intercom rather than letting me in the building. I told him we had a reservation, he should've let me in. Then when I told him we were a little early he abruptly said, “You'll be charged for an extra night.” I told him I needed to discuss our reservation with him because we weren't sure when we'd be checking out and he again cut me off to say, “We can't guarantee you a room if you want to extend your visit.” What an a-hole. He finally let us in. I was too tired to complain.

I put Kal in the crib with his blanket from home and his Elmo doll. We all fell asleep pretty fast. It felt great to get some sleep on a bed. The pillows were so soft. What a day.

Click for Day 3

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