Thursday, July 11, 2013

Journaling Through Our Adoption Trip: Day 6

It's impossible to wake Zay up when it's raining. The rain makes him sleep so deeply. I had wanted to go to the beach today (possibly our last day here), but the thunderstorm will probably keep me from doing that. I'm pretty much just enjoying watching the rain right now. Kal and I ate breakfast while Zay slept. Now all three of us are sitting on a bench outside of our room, staring at the rain. Our lives are sinking in right now and it feels okay. We will live. Of course I'd love to hear from D, but I bet she thinks it's easier to never talk to us again. I guess we have to respect that. Our lives will go back to “normal,” whatever that means. And D will start a new life with her new son and I'm sure she'll figure it out and make it work for her despite her concerns about her situation. But we'll never know him.

We may go to the movies later. We haven't decided what to do with this last day yet. The rain makes us want to relax and “porch-sit.” Maybe we need it.

Man, there are so many smokers here.

There seems to be an unnatural number of heartbreak songs on the radio out in the courtyard right now.

Zay and I talked a lot while watching the rain. About possibly moving back to Georgia. About whether we should keep trying to adopt or not. Zay thinks it may be easier to try to get pregnant again. But adopting is fine – it has just been all the traveling that he doesn't like. I'll have to seriously let go of wanting to be in the delivery room for the birth of all our adopted children. Maybe somehow we can manage to only travel after relinquishment papers are signed. I think we're going to be really distrustful after all this. No reassuring from an expectant mother is gonna make me feel confident in her decision-making again.

I'm trying to figure out at what point she actually changed her mind. Was it weeks ago? Then why didn't she let us know before we traveled across the country? Was it after she had him? Why didn't she invite us to the hospital? I'm so confused.

I wonder if I'll be able to use the name Neo now? After this? I don't know if it would feel right. We'll see when we get to that point. Maybe we should adopt a girl specifically just so we can use a completely different name. I had a girl name picked out. Maybe we can use that one and by the time we have another boy we can decide again on a boy name. We'll see.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. I need time to figure it all out. Time to recover and regroup.

I packed up all the baby stuff that I didn't get to use. Big sigh...

We did end up going to the movies. Saw Man of Steel for the fourth time, at an AMC theater. :) It was even better this time around. Kal was so good. I was so proud of him. He watched the entire movie and rarely got fidgety. He sat in my lap. He pumped his arms in the air whenever Superman punched or flew. Omg, he was so cute! That's how I imagined he would be the first time we took him, but he had been majorly sick those first couple times and he had been terrible. Plus I think he's grown up a lot in the last couple weeks and this trip has helped. He always has a spurt in development when we go on a trip somewhere. I could really pay attention to the movie this time and I absolutely loved it, but the adoption themes were killing me. Especially Lara struggling with the plan to send Kal-El to Earth right after giving birth to him... ugh. I got so weepy.


Out of all the things we could've done as a family on our last day here, we just went to the movies. And I was okay with that. It was perfect. We talked about Superman long after we left the theater.

After the movie, we drove all around looking for a good place to eat some seafood, but the place we finally found looked super expensive, so we just drove around trying to figure out the very confusing/complicated roads, found a Popeye's, and then headed back to the hotel. I'm appreciating the grid system right now. Although I'm not missing Utah. I feel like there's nothing to go back to if I'm going back without the son I thought would be mine.

On the way back to the hotel, we went through a DWI checkpoint. I was annoyed that I even turned down that road because I had missed our turn, confused by the roads. So I just told the officer no I hadn't had anything to drink tonight and no I wasn't on any medication, trying not to look annoyed. When we pulled off, Zay said, “Well that was super inconvenient.” Lol. Then he said, “You should've just told him we were Mormons.” Ha ha. That didn't even cross my mind.

Kal coughed all night long and it was very hot and muggy, even with the A/C on. Zay was worried about Kal and had a hard time sleeping. I was too exhausted to put Kal to sleep properly and he wondered around the room (poor boy) for an hour or so before I dragged myself out of bed and had the sense to put him in his crib... where he promptly went to sleep, except for the coughing.

Click for Day 7

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