Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Journaling Through Our Adoption Trip: Day 4

I had a dream last night that I was attacked by a bear. It had its teeth clamped down on one of my hands and arm. I wanted to fight, but I just went limp instead and let it maul me. I wondered if that had any meaning... am I just too nice? Do I just allow people to walk all over me?

Today is our anniversary. We've been married 9 years, been together for 12.
The Dating Years

We all woke up at the same time and went and got breakfast together. It was nice to all sit around a table together, even if it's just at a hotel. We watched a little more of the Trayvon Martin case.

We talked about D supposedly being induced today. We let ourselves wonder about it, even though at this point it just seems like a lost cause. I said, “Most people get induced in the morning, so she's probably there right now.” This all felt eerily similar to Kal's adoption when we weren't there when he was born. Like we're being left out of something important. I started thinking out loud of all the possibilities I could think of – what if she was hurt? What if she died and no one knew of her adoption plans so no one knew to inform us? What if she had decided to place him with family instead or another family? Has she even seen any of the emails we've sent her? What if there was an emergency and she's already had the baby and she didn't have a chance to contact us? What if she just wants to be so detached from the situation that she doesn't want to meet us, and she doesn't want us there until she's leaving the hospital? That seemed plausible, so I let myself believe there was still a chance.

We sat by the pool, played in the fountain. Waited and waited. Finally, Zay told me the lawyer was on the phone. I hurried over and answered it. She asked had we heard anything yet and I said no. Of course. I thought it was just another silly check-in call, but then she said that D had had the baby either last night or this morning and was at the hospital. I held my breath. She started being sketchy about the details, as if she couldn't legally tell me some things. She said very carefully, as if she was watching what she said, “If you know the hospital and her name, you can go there and ask to see her.” That seemed like a wildly inappropriate thing for us to do, so I told her I'd rather she follow up with D and just let us know. She said she would get back to us within a couple of hours.

I didn't know what else to do, so I got ready for the day. I had been feeling so white trashy after the road trip. I wanted to feel good again, so I got dressed and did my makeup and hoped that would make me feel better.

The lawyer called again and said that D had changed her mind and that the baby was healthy and beautiful and she didn't want to go through with her adoption plan.

It was like a punch to the gut. Like I really needed to hear that “the baby was beautiful”... of course he was! I loved him already, but I couldn't be there with him. I tried to keep my voice from shaking as I turned to Zay and told him what she said. He wasn't surprised, but the sadness in the room was thick.

I spent the rest of the day napping and crying and informing people and wondering if this was all really for nothing – was there still a chance she would change her mind again while we were still here? Is it stupid of me to hold on to that small hope? Should we stick around another couple days like the lawyer suggests? Should I email her again or let her be? She had been so certain. How could she have been so sure about something when she really wasn't? Zay asked me what I needed. I just wanted to nap. He took Kal outside to play.

I let the photographer know she didn't need to come to the hospital. We were planning on getting his first pictures taken by her. This was going to be her first adoption photo shoot, so she was excited for the opportunity.

This is so heart-wrenching and confusing. I don't know how to feel, because my mother instincts are telling me to fight for my child, but in reality I don't have a child to fight for.

She wanted this baby to be a blessing for someone else. Something happened, something changed. I wish I knew what it was. She has every right to change her mind. No papers have been signed. But I'd like to know what happened. How am I supposed to move on from this when I don't know what happened? I can't just pretend like this never happened. I doubt we'll ever hear from her again. I was so excited to meet her. This hurts.

Zay ordered some food from some Cajun place. It was hard for me to stomach it. I'm so depressed. I am exhausted spiritually and emotionally. Heartbroken.

Kal and I went swimming again and I tried to muster up the strength to play with him, but it was hard. He got whiny and sleepy kind of early, but wouldn't sleep. So I walked him all around the hotel, up and down the stairs, riding up and down the elevator. Finally got him to watch a Disney Channel show. Zay fell asleep super early. I think the day wore him out more than he'd admit. I stayed up until 11:30 with Kal before he fell asleep beside me in one of the beds, cuddling – I didn't even try to put him in the crib.

Click for Day 5

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