Thursday, July 25, 2013

Some Days I'm Not Okay

Leading up to the adoption, I was a mess. Happy, excited, but an emotional wreck.

We'd been shopping for a second car for awhile. We couldn't find exactly what we were looking for. We didn't want to finance it... just wanted to pay cash for it. I wanted something bigger, something we could grow into as our family got bigger. I wanted space for family trips, especially since we were planning to drive across the country. I thought maybe an SUV. We like Toyotas.

I was sick of being lied to by car salesmen. And private owners. Every time we thought we found something, our mechanic would find something wrong with it... something that wouldn't be worth it to fix. Ugh.

I went car shopping on my own one day. Well, me and Kal. It was hard to car shop with a toddler. It was just a hard day for some reason. I walked into yet another used car place and told the guy what I was looking for... and then burst into tears.


I told him I didn't want to be lied to anymore. I told him I was nervous about an upcoming adoption. I told him "I'm sorry" about a million times and he got me a bottle of water and was all concerned about me. I was way too embarrassed for breaking down in public like that, so I told him Thanks and left.

That same day I went to go test drive a minivan at another place. I had no expectation. I was just trying one more thing. I didn't really want a minivan. Zay definitely didn't think it would suit us. But I left Kal with Zay and went and test drove it... and I loved it. I sat in it and I felt so comfortable. I thought, "This is totally me. I'm a soccer mom." Lol. I was just going to drive around the block a couple times, but I ended up driving all around town. I didn't want to return it, because it was out of our price range and we'd have to finance part of it. But I loved it. I wanted it. I've never owned my own car and I'm 27 years old, dangit. I texted Zay and told him I was getting it and to please, please, please be okay with it. He was. But he said, "Really? A minivan??"

Now, I have a minivan with only one child. I feel kind of ridiculous. "How do you like your new minivan??" Ugh. Ummmmm, I love it. It's just a little empty.

Zay makes me feel so much better. He thanked me for getting it. He told me he feels like we're a "real family" now... a real Mormon family. Ha. We're not just playing house anymore. We're the real deal now that we have a minivan. :)

I want everything to be okay. I keep telling myself everything's gonna be okay. But some days I'm not okay. Zay's not okay. He goes back to work in a week. It's taken him this long to get up the motivation to get back into his routine.

Everyone talks about babies. And child birth. And it seems like all my friends are pregnant or have new babies. Everyone at Church is pregnant. Everyone at the park. Everyone at the grocery store. EVERYONE.

I had a fragile day at a friend's house on Sunday. I kept tearing up and I didn't know how to make it stop. Embarrassing. All the kids were playing together and I just want so badly for Kal to have siblings. I want a house full of kids. Zay asked if I was okay and I just had to hop up and go to the bathroom, because I wasn't. And I didn't want to have to explain to anybody. I don't understand it myself. I couldn't talk to the adults or I'd cry, so I tried staring out the window into the distance and taking really slow, deep breaths. That didn't work. So I colored with the kids and blinked the tears away quickly until I could get myself in check.

Eventually I could smile and laugh again and everything went back to normal. When I have a day to myself, I may let myself cry. But not now. Not at someone else's birthday party, not in front of someone else's children. Not at Church when I'm greeting new sisters and taking their pictures for the photo directory. Not at a playdate or the grocery store or the park or the library, out in public. Not while I'm doing someone's hair. I don't need tears dripping on my fingers and mixing with some poor client's hair moisturizer. Ugh.

Maybe when Zay goes back to work. When Kal's asleep. Then I'll cry. Until then, I've gotta keep it together.

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