Monday, August 5, 2013

Limbo

Okay, so I've been sad and angry and frustrated and kind of in disbelief at what happened. Kind of made me think I can never trust anyone ever again. At least not a pregnant woman, lol. ;)

And then I cried. Too much. I walked around like a zombie. A really lost zombie. Like... a zombie who took a wrong turn and ended up in a long empty stretch of desert.

And then... I was just like, "Well... what are we supposed to do now, huh??" Ha ha ha.

Adopting last month made sense. Zay had enough vacation time to take off work and then had plenty of paternity leave after that. He took off school for the summer. We would have plenty of time to travel to another state and have all the paperwork clear while posted up in a hotel. Zay could stay home with us all and we could love on a new baby together for a good month and a half or so before he started school again in the Fall.

I had been itching to go back to working outside of the home at the beginning of this year, but I prayed about it and it didn't feel like the right time. I didn't know why, because Kal's reaching an age where he is craving more and more interaction with other kids and daycare would actually be really good for him. But then this adoption situation came up and I was like, "OMG that's why!" I really thought I was supposed to raise another baby and stay home with my kids for another couple years.

Now I'm like, "Well what was that all about??"

I like to have a plan. I like to know where I'm going. And the rug was pulled out from under me. I'm left scrambling to figure out what that means for our family now.

Hmmmmm...

I'm trying to find my positivity again. I know it's in me. It's my defining characteristic. :)

So, I'm digging deep. Finding some perspective. Praying hard and asking God what He meant by all this?

It sucks to have to think about it this way, but it apparently was just a learning experience. Don't you hate those? But we did learn a lot of things and grew closer as a family during our road trip.

We learned to trust our gut, for one. The situation never sat comfortably with us, but we put our trust in someone who really didn't want a relationship with us or the baby at all. I didn't like the shame/deceit of the situation. There's always drama surrounding an adoption, but I've witnessed firsthand that it can totally be an act of love. And openness in adoption is SO important to our family. K always holds her head high when she speaks of Kal and her adoption plan for him as a difficult, but positive thing. She's as proud of him in all his accomplishments as we are and I love that. We're all family. But we weren't going to have that kind of relationship this time around.

I'm beginning to drag myself out of this craziness we've been living in lately. Starting to really put myself back together and take deep breaths and move forward.

A fresh start. A new beginning. That actually sounds pretty amazing right now. Maybe I should take advantage of this. :)

We don't have a plan yet, but let's see what happens from here.










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