Saturday, August 24, 2013

So Bizarre

After our failed adoption and then reading about another one that happened at the same time as ours (to a couple whose blog I follow), I'm just baffled. Confused. I was talking to a friend and I told her about what happened to this other couple - the birth mom chose them to be the parents 5 months before she was to have the baby, she was certain about her plan, she wanted them at doctor's appointments with her, the adoptive mother started inducing lactation so that she could breastfeed the baby, and then ... they received an email on Father's Day (3 weeks before the baby was due, I think) that she had changed her mind... not just changed her mind, but decided to place with another family. Whaaaaaaat? My friend said, "People do that?" Lol. Yeeeeah. I guess so. *CONFUSED* So bizarre.

That has to be absolutely crushing news to hear. And then the adoptive mom had to let her milk dry up. Again, can I say - whaaaaaat? This happens??

It's not that people can't change their minds. Something could drastically change that could make someone think differently than they did before... and that's understandable, although difficult. With open communication and honesty it wouldn't hurt as much. But how can anyone be SO CERTAIN about something so important? Absolutely positive about something that would affect their child's life forever? And then be absolutely certain about a completely different path only a few months later? And not be honest about hesitations along the way?

Ugh. I don't get it.

This may seem really judgmental. But I'm honestly just trying to figure out life and how I interact with other people... and it doesn't all have to do with adoption.....

I have a lot of faith in people in general. When I meet someone, I automatically give them every benefit of the doubt and expect that they'll be goodhearted and honest. That when they say something, they mean it. That they wouldn't intentionally hurt me or anyone else. That if they profess a certain belief that they hold to it. That they're going to be polite. When someone says they're my friend, I believe them.

I don't know what makes me give people so much credit. Because I've learned that people can be downright selfish, dishonest, and only out to serve themselves no matter who they hurt in the process. Some people I've met have turned out to be cowards who lie to people to save face. Some people fake being spiritual just for appearances or to keep from being judged by others when really they don't stick to any set of guiding principles in their lives, just whatever benefits them at the time. People lie even more after they're caught in a lie. People don't do what they say they're going to do. People don't show up. People are lazy. People make up excuses just because they don't want to put in the effort to do whatever would've been the right thing to do. People are arrogant and prideful. People don't care about other people unless they're going to get something out of it. People aren't dependable or trustworthy. People are deceitful and full of themselves and embarrassed of the truth and of God and of what's right. People like to pick fights and cause harm to other people. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I'm feeling kind of jaded right now. How do you trust people? How do you protect yourself from getting used or disregarded or hurt? At what point do you back away from someone if they aren't a terribly nice, trustworthy, dependable person? How would you even know?

Anyway, back to adoption: I got a comment on my post "Some Days I'm Not Okay" that really touched me and I thought I'd re-post it here:

"I don't even know you but my heart is breaking for you. I recently came across your blog and your opinion and understanding touched me. I am a birth mother to 2 boys I have a very open relationship with them and since I placed them I have been involved in countless outreach programs and panels trying to teach girls that adoption is an option and how to teach adoptive couples not to be scared about open adoption. I have run into many adoptive moms that think highly of birth mothers but none that honestly try to look at their point of view like you do. You honestly are a champion for birth mothers. That being said I don't think you will always have to hold back your excitement with every birth mother sometimes it's nice to see someone excited about your baby for once. I don't honestly think you did anything wrong or anything that changed the outcome of your last situation I think that birth mother probably didn't have enough preparation for how it actually feels to give your heart to someone else. Nothing can prepare you for how you will feel once you give birth I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was doing the right thing and have not regretted it for a day and I still wished I had died the day I left the hospital without my baby I gave my heart away but it was because I loved my sons so much. I do think there are some out there who maybe are pressured into considering adoption that maybe need time to change their mind but I think the vast majority just are ill prepared for the way they will feel once that baby is placed in their arms that doesn't mean anything has changed about their situation or about what the right path is just means their emotions take over and all if the sudden they can't deal with the pain regardless of what is best. I'm sorry for your loss because that's what it is and it's just as real as if you had a miscarriage. I wish I could say this kind of thing never happens but most birth mothers are not know for always making smart choices (myself included) that's usually how we end up pregnant in the first place:) but don't be afraid to love whatever baby comes you way next I chose my couple at 25 weeks and never looked back and they are some of my best friends. Anyways sorry long comment to say cry and grieve but don't give up. The perfect birth mom will find you someday and that baby will be the one meant to be yours forever!"
I so needed to hear that perspective. In my jaded state, I told myself I WOULD NOT get excited if another adoption situation presented itself. I even made guidelines saying how we would do things differently next time. But I don't want to be that kind of person. I've never been that kind of person. Can I go back to being giddy and happy and excited about life? Can I go back to being optimistic and thinking people are basically good and honest? Can I let my heart get involved again? Would you?

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