Friday, October 25, 2013

CHOSEN!

We have been matched with a woman who is making an adoption plan for her yet-to-be-born baby!!!

:) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Actually, I've known about this match for TWELVE WEEKS and I haven't said anything about it on the blog yet. And I only just barely made the "facebook announcement." (You know, because then it's totally official.)

*gasp*

And I'll tell you why I managed to keep the secret (at least until right now... ha ha):

I've been holding this one sacred. It feels different than the last match. I feel a better connection with this expectant mother (I'll call her Miss H). I understand her better. Zay has actually reached out to her and they hold their own conversations without me. Last time, he didn't ever really establish a relationship with the expectant mother and it felt awkward. Now, he texts her and asks me every few days if I've heard from her, and tells me that this one feels different... better. He wants to know how she's doing. Both of us feel so good about moving forward with it.

"...good things fall apart so better things can fall together..."

I'm slightly afraid. Afraid to tell people about something and watch it all fall apart again. Anxious about facing the grief of a failed adoption "publicly" again. Worried I'll fall in love with a baby and an idea of how my family is going to look, but not have any guarantee that it will actually happen.

Nervous. Cautious. Over-thinking it. Feeling a lot of deja vu. Thinking, "We've heard all this before."

But more than anything, we've felt relief. Like, this is it.

Not that we know that it will work out necessarily, but that we will be done with our adoption journey after this one... whether it works out or not. And that is a huge relief! We need a good long break, indefinitely. And with that weight off our shoulders, it's like we have nothing to lose by being excited about this one. If it's gonna be our last time adopting, I just wanna go all out. Have a baby shower, decorate a nursery, fly out to meet this new expectant mother. Just go all in with it. Because what do we have to lose? It couldn't possibly hurt more to have it fall through the second time than it did the first time, right? So, here we go!

This baby is due in March, so when March comes and goes - we'll have our answer. I don't think there is anything we can do in the meantime to change the outcome. Whatever is going to happen will happen. And we will know by then. We'll know if we're adding a sweet precious little baby to our family (!!!) or we'll know that we won't. Either way, there's no point in dwelling in the what-ifs.

I'm just gonna plan like we're having a baby in March! *SQUEAL!!!*

Our failed adoption has made us slightly distrustful, but we've just had to get over it. And get over it QUICK, because adoption requires a high level of trust. She's trusting us to raise her child well and we're trusting her to be open and honest. It can't work without trust, so we're just gonna have to.

I laugh now that I was so adamant that I didn't want to talk to ANYONE making an adoption plan unless they were 36 weeks along or more! I hated the waiting last time. It was excruciating to wait and wait and wait... and then never be invited to the hospital. But this time... she was only 6 weeks along when she contacted us. And I knew right away that she was special. That this one would be different somehow. So the waiting hasn't mattered much at all. There's still 22 weeks to go in her pregnancy and I'm cool with that. :)

I worried at first that Zay wouldn't want to have anything to do with adoption after having his heart ripped out the last time. I talked to Miss H on my own for two weeks first before I talked to him about it. I went and ate lunch with him at work and just let all the details spill out. I told him to think about it and get back to me. I thought he would be hesitant at least (it had only been a few weeks since we got back from Louisiana). But he immediately agreed that this was the match for us.

Since then, I haven't been able to stop smiling. And besides a few close friends, we've been quiet about it.

Miss H assured us that we would be the first to know the gender when she made it to her 17 week ultrasound. That was last week. I was waiting anxiously to find out, because I knew in my heart it was a girl. I just wanted to hear it from her. The first thing out of Zay's mouth when I told him about Miss H and her situation was, "I bet she's having a girl." I haven't been able to picture a boy since. :)

And.... IT'S A GIRL!!!

I knew it.

Our little Superman is gonna have a little baby sister to protect. AHHHH! How amazing would that be???







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