Saturday, November 23, 2013

I Think I Jinxed It

Since the day that I posted about being chosen to be the parents for a little girl due in March, we have not heard from Miss H. And that makes me sad. We care so much for her and her family. We talk about her all the time and about how things could be after the adoption, for her and for us. She didn't choose this pregnancy, but she chose LIFE. That decision in and of itself is a huge blessing/miracle.

She reached out to us back in July, when we were barely home from a devastating failed adoption. I had my guard up, because I didn't want my heart broken again. I didn't want my husband to go through that again. But after weeks of prayer and getting to know Miss H and her reasons for adoption, we felt we should proceed.

Now I'm confused.

Maybe everything's fine. Maybe her phone got turned off. Maybe she temporarily needed some space.

Maybe not. Maybe we'll never hear from her again. Maybe we'll have to learn what it feels like to lose a daughter as well.

This is why I say adoption is SO HARD. Because you pray over each situation presented to you and you decide to follow through on one and the expectant mother tells you she wants you to be the parents (over all her other options)... and then it doesn't happen. Something changes. Indecisiveness overcomes her. Cold feet. Fear of doing the wrong thing for her child, fear of being judged by her family/friends, fear of letting go. Panic. A change of heart. Any or all of the above.

Not taking it personally is a HARD lesson to learn. I don't think I'll ever be able to completely not take it personally, because it IS personal. The friendships we're forming and the trust we're building... it's all very, very personal and close to our hearts. It's emotional, and it's HARD.

All we want is to give Kal a sibling, to raise a child in the Gospel, to be parents (again). To teach them all that we know. TO LOVE THEM WITH ALL OUR HEARTS and keep them safe and give them opportunities to grow up happy and become respectable, successful adults. All while keeping them in touch with their roots and allowing ALL of their family to love them and be a part of their life (adoptive AND birth family).

Adoption is supposed to be mutually beneficial. If it's the right thing to do and it doesn't happen, then it's not just our loss. It's the child's loss. But whether it's the right thing to do or not is not our decision to make and is completely out of our control.

Kal & I are supposed to meet Miss H next month while we are traveling for other reasons. Zay planned to stay behind because the holidays are a busy time for him at work and he wants to save his vacation time for when baby girl is born.

Our life is completely on hold as we wait. Hopefully we get a response before the day we were supposed to meet. Hopefully everything works out how it needs to. And hopefully we can pick up the pieces if it all blows up in our face.

This is why we can't keep trying to adopt an infant. We are great parents and there are other avenues we can take to add to our family. We love Kal and his birthmom more than anything, and I am so grateful that they are part of our family now. But we deserve better than the emotional stress infant adoption brings.

We're only hanging in there because we know in the end it's worth it.

I was fine with waiting, but now... March 24th can't come soon enough. Only 121 days to go...

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