Monday, November 18, 2013

I'm Stressing... Again

After I started treating my hypothyroidism and Vitamin D deficiency, I felt GREAT for about a month. With a huge focus on my health, I could feel myself getting better. I mean... I felt fantastic. I had energy. I wasn't anxious. I started sleeping well. I started focusing on myself and what I need to be healthy (a bonus to all this will *hopefully* mean being able to get pregnant in the future, but that's not the current focus!)...

And then I started to figure out my biggest stressors and try to eliminate some of them from my life. So that I could keep up this healthy, happy feeling. I needed to simplify my life and only focus on what's most important to me rather than stretching myself to my limit. Which I tend to do. ALL the time.

This turned out to be MUCH harder than I thought it would be. Because some of these stressors are people. People who at one point in time I was close to or cared about having a relationship with... but now I realize how much better my life would be without them in it. People who leach off me. Who contribute nothing positive to my life, but always expect me to jump when they call. Who play dumb, or play the victim to get their way. And try to make me feel guilty if I'm not at their beck and call. Or who emotionally toy with me. Boss me around. Make fun of me. Any and all of the above.

Seriously. I bet you have people like that in your life too. But maybe you have the sense to recognize it sooner and drop those people from your life. Or maybe you feel like you can't sever the relationship completely for one reason or another and you HAVE to be nice.

I try to make everybody happy and do whatever I can for anybody who asks me. Even if they treat me like crap.

THAT'S GOTTA STOP.

So, right when I was feeling great and had a new perspective and was basically skipping around happy-as-can-be... a bunch of these stressors cropped up at once and they really... well, stressed me out. I couldn't handle it all. I felt a huge burden on me.

I had a long talk with a friend who told me something I will never forget. I was talking about a particular situation to which I feel abnormally obligated. And for what I thought were good, noble reasons. But she said, "How do you know this isn't the demon you're supposed to address and overcome?" We got into the nitty gritty of my intentions and how I respond to people and certain situations (I know I'm being really vague here, ha ha). And I realized that this is my demon. I'm a people-pleaser. And that's a sure way to stay unhappy if your entire life is devoted to the whims of others.

My anxiety was back full-force. And I knew it wasn't all my thyroid. It was dealing with OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR NONSENSE. And trying to do everything for other people and solve their problems for them. And caring what they think.

I realized I didn't have to answer to anyone but God, myself, my husband, and my child. That's it. Anyone outside of that bubble should never move up to Priority #1. Ever. And I also don't need the company of others if I have to look past how much they suck as a friend. I've got too many good friends to try to include the sucky ones as well.

Now the problem is figuring out how to "break up" with these stressors. The people AND the bad habits, etc.

Photo: www.relationshipplaybook.com
 
Although all of the above has to do with a lot of things and isn't necessarily adoption-related, I'm stressing about adoption as well.

Things that DON'T stress me out: blogging, taking pictures, writing, my family

Things that DO stress me out: rude people, leech-y people, flaky people, lazy people, having too much on my to-do list.... and ADOPTION

Good thing we have a deadline for adopting, because it's one of the things I'm gonna have to break up with. It feeds right into me trying to fix other people's problems (I want to help every expectant mother who is in a difficult situation solve all her problems). It feeds into me caring what other people think (having to prove to everyone that I'm a good parent, having to convince a woman that we'd be a good family for her child, etc.)... These are things I need to get away from, and adoption is doing me no favors by forcing me to continue this vicious cycle of tearing down my self-confidence and trying to please others.

Kal's adoption was such a positive experience that I thought re-creating that would be SO SO amazing. But with a failed adoption behind us and sudden uncertainty in our current match, I'm struggling to have any hope left in this messed up adoption system. The happiness it has brought doesn't eliminate the devastating heartbreak of all the low points. And it's too much. Too stressful. But we're hanging on till March. And then we are DONE.





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