Saturday, December 21, 2013


I saw pictures of D's baby. The baby we named Neo. The one she calls by a different name. I accidentally stumbled upon her instagram and was surprised when she accepted my request. Maybe she knew what I needed?

That adoption wasn't meant to be, but it sure did take the wind out of us. Crushed our hopes temporarily. Made us waver in our belief in the love and power of adoption when it's done for the right reasons. Drained our emotional energy and left us scarred, without a word to know how things turned out.

But I saw him. A chunky 5 month old cutie patootie. He's gorgeous and healthy and doing just fine, it seems. I hope he has a father in his life. I hope he has enough love and support and is given every opportunity. But he's not mine to worry about, even though I do. I asked Zay if he wanted to see his pictures and at first he refused, but when he finally did look through them with me... he thought the same thing I did.

We didn't recognize him.

It's hard to explain. Just a disconnected feeling... different than when we first saw Kal (who we also first saw in a picture).

We don't know him, we won't know him. Not by our own choosing. We would have continued that relationship whether or not D chose to place him with us. But for whatever reason, we were excluded from that.

We've had time to grieve, we've had time to readjust our planning for the future. We have a daughter on the way to (tentatively) plan for now! Now I can delete that instagram "friendship" and move on.

It gave us a whole heck of a lot of closure.


This is a super awkwardly captured photo! Ha ha. But I follow along with Baby Center's app for Miss H's pregnancy. Kal thought this video of a hiccuping baby-in-utero was hilarious. Ha. She is currently about 27 weeks along. We're slowly but surely getting there!

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