Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Baby Girl

I started writing this post earlier today... then got interrupted by an email from Miss H giving me her decision. But I'll post this first.


Mama and baby are doing just fine. Miss H expects Baby Girl to be in the NICU for "at least a month," recovering. She needs help to breathe right now. But, holy cow - she's the chunkiest premie! I got to see a couple of pictures over the weekend and learned that she was 5lbs 10oz when she was born. I don't have too many more details than that. But that was enough to make me think she did a lot of growing already!

We're in a weird place right now. Waiting. But for what? I'm not sure anymore.

There was a point in time during Miss H's pregnancy when I was like, "You know what? She seems super sure about this." And I posted THIS post. I felt hesitant at the time, but she was very adamant that this is what she wanted... so I started to get a little excited. Even though it was crazy early in her pregnancy. Even though I told myself that was a bad idea to get involved that early, we embraced it anyway.

There's no such thing as a "sure thing" when it comes to adoption. But at one point I could've sworn this would've been the case. But here we are, again being left out of the hospital experience. And I'm not sure why. I don't know what doubts Miss H is having. She's distant. But she wasn't ready for us to come. She didn't say it, but it felt like it was as if she didn't want us to come at all. I'm still waiting to know if that really is the case or not.

I wrote her the longest email ever on Sunday. I figured this may be the last time I'd have a chance to say anything to her before she disappeared. I said everything I'd been meaning to say, asked everything I've been meaning to ask. I told her to remember all the reasons she had for her adoption plan... and then honestly ask herself if any of those reasons matter now that Baby Girl is here. And to get back with us when she knows.

Being that Baby Girl is in the NICU and Miss H isn't faced with the decision to take her home yet, maybe she'll take this time as decision-making time. Now that the baby's here. Now that her support system will either surround her or leave her stranded. Now that she's really faced with what she'll lose if she places her for adoption.

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