Sunday, January 19, 2014

Home Study Update

Our caseworker contacted us and told us that it's been a year since we started our application with them, so it's time to update our adoption homestudy. She said, "You and Xavier have some decisions to make..."

I cannot believe it's been a year and we haven't had a baby placed with us. I mean, I know it takes awhile for a lot of couples. But for some reason I thought that wouldn't be us.

But here we are a year later. Lame.

Of course we updated the paperwork we needed to update, since we'll need it ready for the lawyers if we adopt Baby Girl. But this'll be the last time. Background checks and financial information. Our church leader's recommendation (LDS Family Services requirement). We paid the update fee. We had our caseworker come do a home visit and "inspect" us and our home (my home is never as clean as it is right before a homestudy visit!). And that just means we're "approved to adopt" again for another year.

But... we want to be done in March. No matter what happens with this pending adoption, we want to take our profile down after it's all said and done.

It's also possible that this adoption doesn't work out and then we could leave our profile up until it expires near the end of 2014 and see what happens...

But if we do that, our entire year will be consumed with adoption wondering and "what if's" and we can't do that to ourselves. Wait, but can we? No, no. Stop it. We can't.

And here's why.

If adoption was handled the way I think it should be handled, there would be no pre-birth matching with adoptive parents & expectant moms considering adoption. A woman would have 5 or 6 families in mind, she has her baby, decides for sure on adoption after having and holding her baby, signs relinquishment papers, and then her caseworker/lawyer calls up the first family to see if they are in a position to adopt that particular child. If not, the second family. Or third family. Someone will come to the hospital and adopt the baby and it'll be one of the expectant mother's top picks. And there wouldn't be any going back and forth about an adoption decision. And there wouldn't be any adoptive parents waiting in uncertainty about a specific situation/child that's going to be born. They'll just get a call about a baby and have to be there. If you want to adopt, you'll just have to be prepared to drop everything.

The "waiting along with the pregnancy" is just way, way too hard and potentially damaging to the expectant mother's decision-making capabilities. Who would want to disappoint a couple they'd gotten to know so well and mess up a friendship they've made? No one. If she has a change of heart but she goes through with it simply because "that's the plan," that's a terrible reason to place a baby for adoption. And she'll come to regret it. She needs to have the baby, see the baby, and know in her heart that adoption is the right choice first before she gets any adoptive parents involved.

It's possible to get a call about a baby that's already been born. It happens! All the time. But we have never received that kind of call. And we have a really, really hard time saying "no" to being matched to someone early in a pregnancy. Even when I told myself that it was best not to get involved early on. BIG SIGH.

If we don't have this deadline for ourselves, we are going to drive ourselves crazy. And keep "hanging in there" for other women's pregnancies, hoping we might be parents again some day, dealing with the ups and downs of their pregnancy hormones and life/family drama and whether or not they really want to place their baby for adoption. Nope, can't do it. There has to be an end to the madness and we've decided it's March. Unless something crazy happens soon (like one of those surprise "stork drop" calls - "There's a baby here for you, come and pick him/her up."), we will be adopting Miss H's daughter or we won't be adopting at all.


P.S. - I just changed the blog design. It was feeling cluttered and sometimes the text was hard to read because of the funky background I had on there, so I tried to make it look more simple and organized. I think it's cute!! Almost five years into blogging and I still haven't made my blog a good resource for anything, so I'm working on that! I want my blog to have a point. So I made navigation buttons for "Adoption" and "TTC Journey," but they don't link to anything yet. I want people to be able to come to my blog and have a great resource for learning from our story, so I'm gonna do some brainstorming to make that happen.

Screen Shot for those reading this in an RSS feeder or getting email updates.

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