Tuesday, January 21, 2014

I'm Surrounded By Pregnancies

Ha ha... can't remember where I found this pic. But this represents my *sad face*

I haven't felt that "sting" of infertility in quite awhile.

But recently I did get a nice little ole jolt to the heart when one of my closest friends told me she was pregnant with her first. I was kind of flustered and didn't know what to say. I was super excited for her - I mean WAY excited!!! We've known her and her husband for years and kinda sorta hooked them up... and then flew all the way across the country for their wedding a little over a year ago. I cannot wait to find out if it's a girl or a boy and see what their child will look like - they both have really mixed heritage. But I was confused when she called me and told me... and I totally stuttered a little bit trying to congratulate her. I thought, "That was weird." What an odd reaction to her happy news!

All the other pregnancies I have to face head on have been little to no big deal at all. There was a wave of pregnant women all at once at Church. And I'm the Secretary in the women's organization, so I'm in the meetings when we talk about making sure that each new mother has support those first couple weeks - freezer meals so they don't have to cook, babysitting older kids when they need a break, visits and emotional support, etc. We're always talking about who's having a baby next (if we're not talking about church activities or funerals to plan for).

Zay comes home from work sometimes and says, "EVERYONE is pregnant. I mean, literally. Everyone is pregnant." And we laugh about it, because seriously - Utah is like a haven of pregnant women. It's just what Mormons do - procreate. We used to call the BYU married student housing "the rabbit hole." When we were learning one Sunday about some of the early pioneers of the Church who made the trek West and settled Utah, there are so many stories of women struggling and giving birth on the plains in covered wagons or out exposed to the elements... and what Zay got out of it was, "That just goes to show you that Mormons will always have sex. No matter the dire circumstances." It's true.

Anyway, another really good friend is pregnant with her 5th, but we didn't know her during the previous pregnancies... so it's kinda new to us for her to be pregnant... so it takes some adjusting. I'm excited, though - cuz Baby Girl is due almost the exact same day as her, so it would be awesome to have babies at the same time!

Our friends who tried for years to have a baby and had multiple failed IVFs were successful (triplets!) with the help of a surrogate, and about the time the triplets were 8 months old... they miraculously found out they're pregnant... they had no idea and used no fertility meds whatsoever and it just happened. I bawled when I found that out - in the best way possible. I couldn't believe the miracle. And it gave me so much hope to know that somehow Nature finds a way. It happens. Not on our timetable, but it does happen.

So, I guess wrapping our heads around these closer-to-home pregnancies has been interesting. I had to let my one friend know that she's going to have to be sensitive to me during her pregnancy, because complaining about every little discomfort is just not going to sit well with me. She's my business partner and I see her often. When she was talking about how uncomfortable she's been and how BIG she's gonna get, I started crying and said, "Try to remember that it's a huge sensitive subject for me. I would give anything to be pregnant." I surprised myself, really. Because I thought I was waaay past that (I mean, I purposely surrounded myself with pregnant women when I went to the Empowering Fearless Birth Conference and I was totally fine with that). But yep, there it was... that good ole sting to the heart. I told her, "Of course I'm happy for you, but it's conflicting." And I felt like a jerk.

More than anything, I'm happy for these friends. But that just goes to show what infertility can do to a person. When you're in a state that is seriously like the land of fertility.

Thankfully the feeling was just in passing and I haven't felt the same since. Life goes on. I'll get my turn! I'm absolutely certain of that.

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