Wednesday, February 26, 2014

2014 Goals

2013 was cRaZy, yall!

My resolutions last year all circled around the idea that I needed to stretch myself and get out of my comfort zone and throw myself full force back into the adoption ring.

So, that's exactly what I did. We got approved to adopt and totally emotionally threw ourselves into the ring again, only to be shot down in a terribly confusing way - by never, ever hearing from that expectant mother again. Ouch. Then our second match started going awry as well.

I started a business with a friend and put a WHOLE LOTTA time and energy and money into it, but we're having some personality clashes that we didn't have as just friends but now have surfaced as business partners. Ugh. Gotta figure that out.

Anything and everything that was announced in Church, I signed up for. It didn't matter what it was, I was there. I joined the choir, showed up to play basketball and volleyball with some of the sisters, gave blood at blood drives, made meals for families, etc. Went to every meeting. On top of getting a new calling and trying to do my best at that.

I went social-media-free for an entire month (that was hard, ha ha).

Bought a 2nd car all by myself (car salesmen scare me).

Cooked on a regular basis (this is new to me!)

I made myself available to people whenever they needed me. Lots of babysitting and giving people rides.

I interviewed a second time for a company that I really, really, really want to work for, but again didn't get the job.

Plus I kept everything else going: temple attendance, raising Kal (a full-time job in and of itself), regular Date Nights, family nights, keeping our marriage strong, sending pics to Kal's birthmom, doing hair almost every single day (1-4 clients a day Mon-Sat), blogging, journaling...

Etc. Etc. Etc.

I really tried to stretch myself and I had a lot of hope and motivation, but the disappointment of things not working out how I imagined them in my head kinda shot me down and made me lose all my hope and motivation by the end of the year. And I was super burned out. I was doing way too much, but ironically felt like I wasn't doing enough because nothing felt like it was going right. I felt desperate for HOME, so I made a last minute trip to Georgia to help re-fill my tank.

This year, my goals are to:
  1. learn to relax
  2. say "no" more often
  3. don't start any crazy big projects
  4. don't sign up, volunteer, or commit myself to anything
  5. be brave and speak up for myself
This is my year of self-care. Getting healthy because I want to feel good, not to reach a goal. Shaving my legs a little more often, ha ha. Doing my own hair. Doing what I like to do. Reading. Not letting people take advantage of me. Focusing more on myself and my little family. Scaling back on Church service and hair clients. Practicing saying "no" and not quickly following it with an apology. Not investing in friendships that don't benefit me at all (I tend to find "friends" who have lots of problems that I try to fix...).

I need some healing time and I deserve to "take a year." There's a time and season for all things. Having the second adoption fall through so early this year left me feeling free. A clean slate. Nothing committed to. I'm ready to simplify my life, re-focus my priorities, include "myself" in my priorities, enjoy the here and now, and really really learn to relax (that's harder than it sounds for me - I'm always go, go, go!)...

I have no plans, no specific (or huge/unreachable) goals for 2014. And it really does feel amazing, allowing myself to live unplanned, future unwritten. If I can pull off relaxing, enjoying, settling in, being brave, standing up for myself... then 2014 will be a success. I think I can do that. I NEED to do that. Because I haven't been myself. I've been grumpy and sad and preoccupied and hurt. I want my hope back. To get it back, I feel like I need to rest first. Digest what's happened. Settle into the now. Take the necessary time.

Healing takes time.

Camping in the living room. ;)

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