Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Valiant

I was talking with a leader in our Church recently (for my LDS friends who understand all the terminology, I was having my temple recommend interview with a member of our stake presidency). He was asking me a few questions to get to know me and my family a little bit. (I love when they actually take the time to talk rather than speed through the questions, by the way. I rarely get to interact with the stake leaders.)

We got to talking about adoption. I told him about Kal and our two failed adoptions in the last 8 months. In so many words, he commended us for wanting to adopt and having the spirit of adoption with us. He told me that our efforts were valiant, specifically the way we've carried ourselves in our interactions with expectant mothers who are struggling. To hear that coming from someone whose opinion carries so much weight with me made me tear up and really reflect on how I'm feeling.

I've lost a lot of faith in the adoption process since we first naively began this endeavor back in 2009. I feel like I'm losing what made us so excited in the beginning. The spirit of welcoming a child not of our own biology, but family all the same. The spirit of celebration in welcoming a new baby and becoming parents. The spirit of love and acceptance for the women who give birth to and place their children with us. The spirit of trust.

Instead, I'm left with this sickening feeling. Of distrust. Of skepticism. Of annoyance. Of feeling cheated. Of unfairness. Of exhaustion. Zay just says, "I've never trusted anybody, so I'm good." Ha ha. Sigh... I don't like feeling this way.

Talking to this particular Church leader, I was renewed (slightly) in some of my hope in what I'm doing. It gave me a good perspective from someone outside of the adoption circle. An outsider's perspective whose opinion I value. I'm in so deep into this adoption world to the point where I see so many negatives (a lot of deceit, a lot of secrecy, a lot of scamming, a lot of heartache), and I lose sight of the positives. He reminded me of why I want to do this. Why Zay and I chose this path.

A friend of mine said to me recently that her and her husband had been talking about our situation and her husband said something to the effect of, "There's a child that is going to need what Zay and Alice have to offer." Is that true?? I don't even know anymore. I feel very defeated and undeserving.

I wrote out a timeline of our trying-to-adopt and trying-to-conceive journeys. It was helpful to see that all the troubles we've had have actually been really short-lived. Especially when I compare them to some of my friends who have had 6 or more failed adoptions! They seem so much BIGGER and more PROFOUND and ALL-ENCOMPASSING while we're in the thick of it. But really, we only waited 5 months from approval to Kal's placement. And this second time around, we experienced two failed adoptions, but we were matched twice in the first 6 months of approval. And it's still only been barely a year since we've been approved. I think we were told that childless couples have an average wait time of 18 months, other places I've seen the average for all couples is 3 years with our agency. That is a LONG time. We are NOT that patient in reality.

If we quit right now, took our adoption profile down, and called up our caseworker to close our file... would we be quitting too early? Are we expecting too much too quickly? Are we just not strong enough to be on this journey? Could we summon the courage to keep going? SHOULD we? If we kept going, when would we ever call it quits? When would we finally be able to let go?

The idea that Kal could be an only child forever just makes my heart break. He would be such a good older brother. I'm so ready to be a mom-of-two. That feeling hasn't left me. Even while I'm enjoying staying home with Kal and doing all the fun things that we do together, that feeling still hasn't left me. I don't think I'll always feel this way (thinking about the next child), but right now I feel like I should be a mother-of-two and I'm not. There's this disconnect. I just wish I knew what that meant.









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