Sunday, April 6, 2014

Clomid Cycle #2

Previous fertility posts:
I'm Ready for Fertility Treatments Again
Figuring Out My Thyroid
Clomid Cycle #1

Using up the last 3 cycles of Clomid I have on hand:

Journal Entries:

02/02/2014 - Miss H decided to parent, no surprise there. I'm not pregnant, no surprise there. Stopped progesterone cream and I feel my period coming on (I felt it coming even on the cream). Baby aspirin, prenatals, and other supplements still going. Once my period starts I'll have to decide whether to hop on into Clomid Cycle #2 or not. Since the adoption fell through, it was like a punch to the gut and all my baby hungriness started wavering. But persistence is what's gonna get me pregnant. So I need to keep going. Zay doesn't know I'm using up the last of the Clomid (being sneaky has been fun), but he definitely does want to do the IUI in May after his semester is over, although he hates the idea of getting his "balls checked" again, haha.

02/08/14 - I don't get why I can't let adoption go. There was a reason we did this before, but why are we doing it now? I don't know. I'm so conflicted. I feel like I'm being used. By pregnant women who just feel like they need someone to talk to. We aren't being respected. Our feelings don't matter. This year, I want to BE BRAVE. I want to change something. I want to stand up for myself. I want things to work out positively for us this year. I WANT MY TURN. I can't do that if I allow myself to be a sounding board for all expectant mothers in a crisis pregnancy, who will use me and toy with my emotions. Because I become emotionally involved in these women's lives. I try to live vicariously through them and do everything I can to help them. And I really shouldn't. It affects me too deeply and personally.

02/09/14 - I decided to keep going and take Clomid again... Cycle #2. I have enough to take 150mg instead of 200mg for the next two cycles. It may not work if I go down in dosage, but I'm going to try it anyway, since it's all I've got. Miss H apologized for putting us through the ringer and I got her mailing address out of her. I decided to put a package together for her. I hope it helps her out. How cool would it have been if we had gotten pregnant AND adopted that baby? That would've been AMAZING. But neither happened. And now I'm taking a deep breath and continuing on.

02/11/14 - Sometimes life is just hard and it takes some time to process it. Grieving is not something that can be rushed. And when I allow myself the time to process, I don't suffer as much or as long. It's a necessary step in a normal emotionally intelligent adult's life to learn to handle disappointment with grace. And not fall apart and cease normal functioning. Because life is full of failures and disappointments. If we let them destroy our faith, that's when we've lost.

Next fertility post: Clomid Cycle #3

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