Sunday, April 6, 2014

Figuring Out My Thyroid

Previous fertility post: I'm Ready for Fertility Treatments Again


Figuring out my thyroid was sketchy at first:

Journal Entries:

12/1/13 - I'm not as excited about getting pregnant as I was, because I am NOT healthy. I'm glad I haven't started my period yet, because I am not in a position to be making fertility meds decisions right now. I started taking an increased dose of Nature Throid without consulting my doctor and I don't think that was a smart move. Yesterday I felt like I was having a panic attack. Seriously. I've never felt how I felt yesterday (which marked about 3.5 weeks on the new dose). My brain was buzzing, I couldn't concentrate, everything was fuzzy, I felt like I was going to pass out, I couldn't tend to Kal at all, I needed to be put out of my misery so I managed to take a melatonin + theanine pill and make Kal some eggs to eat in his high chair and I just went and fell asleep. I slept for about 11.5 hours! I had let Zay know that something was wrong with me before I did and that he would have to take over when he got home from work, which he did... which thankfully was only a few minutes after I was knocked out in the bedroom. I remember him coming in and asking me what was wrong. He didn't say much, he just listened and I really appreciated that. I couldn't think straight to actually hold a conversation with him, I just needed him to take over with Kal when I couldn't do it. I finally woke up the next day and I managed to get to church after deciding that the problem was my Nature Throid dose. I went back to 1/2 a pill and I immediately felt a difference, but I still was coming out of a haze. I got my church work done and as the day wore down I gradually felt better. Not near as good as I had before when I was taking 1/2 pill, but I felt relief knowing I was getting better. I had no idea how much my thyroid being off could affect me. In adoption news, we decided to update our homestudy rather than letting it expire, even though I'm really just sick of adoption and have no confidence in Miss H following through with what she's promising. I ran around getting a bunch of papers updated. I told our caseworker I would be out of town, so we could re-do the home visit when I get back. I want to put that off for as long as possible so I can have time to clean and babyproof again. There are a few things I need to make sure are safe before she comes (things she told me to get done last time). I'm not really looking forward to that visit, but I want to get it over with too. We are still going to try to get pregnant, and try to adopt Miss H's baby. I don't know what we will do if that adoption falls through... but I imagine we couldn't bring ourselves to close our adoption profile. I don't know. Maybe we'll let it expire at the end of 2014, just in case. But then... we'll be done. That chapter of our lives will be closed. I think I would be 100% okay with that by then. But it only makes sense to renew it for now. Miss H got back in touch with us, barely. She doesn't say much anymore, but even though she blocked me from Facebook and Instagram and stopped talking to us for a month, she told us she would be honest and she said she hasn't changed her mind.

12/8/13 - Being on this trip so far has made me really want to move back to Georgia... but not yet. We're not ready yet, but eventually. I've been homesick, but this trip will fill me up so that I'll be ready to get back into the swing of things, prepping to adopt and get pregnant.

12/15/13 - I feel SO much better on a half pill of Nature Throid. I don't know what exactly made me think that upping my dose was going to help, but it induced a panic attack and I really shouldn't have done that. I'm back home from my GA trip, so today I will be getting back on my supplements and apple cider vinegar routine. My period hasn't started yet. The anxiety from changing my dose really scared me. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. Anxiety/panic attacks are no joke. All of a sudden I worried about whether I could handle a pregnancy or even an adoption. I didn't think I could handle parenting, that's how much messing with my Nature Throid medication screwed me up. But back on the right dose, I can think clearly and I feel sooooo much better. Back home from the craziness that was a GA trip with a toddler.... I know what I want and what I can handle. And what I want is to plan hard for this adoption AND try to get pregnant AND leave our options open with the adoption agency. And NOT stress about it. Make it fun. Enjoy this time in our lives, because it won't always be just the three of us and I feel a change coming, so I need to embrace the here and now while it's still here! :) Miss H is worried she's going to have Baby Girl really, really early. So I really need to sit down and make a plan just in case that really does happen. Be prepared. Seeing Kal's birthmom reminded me of why I wanted to adopt and why adoption can be a positive thing. I need to plan a baby shower (welcome home baby party) for May sometime, and get people involved for that. I need to look for a bigger apartment to move into in April, right about the time baby is coming. I won't decorate a nursery till after we move and Baby Girl's home... A friend called and told me she's pregnant...ugh, but yay... I found some tips I might try to naturally induce my period: over-the-counter Bio-Identical Progesterone Cream, low-carb diet, parsley tea, ginger tea, cinnamon tea, and exercising 5x a week for 30 mins. So yeah, I might try something to get this period started.

12/29/13 - We have been sick/miserable most of our Christmas break. Although we've had a lot of fun spending so much time together and talking. Back home in Utah, I still feel like it's the right thing to do to move to Georgia. I talked to Zay about it and he seems on board with the idea of a fresh start. We even put a date on it of April or May of 2015. So, we looked up colleges - I think he should transfer to Kennesaw State University. And we will plan it so that he will go to school full time and I'll find a job and work full time, hopefully I can use my connections to find a job that could support us through that. I want him to be able to focus on school and really network to find the kind of career that he'll enjoy. Something he can be proud of, but at the same time go out and get that money! For his family. :) I know he won't be rich as a social worker of any kind, but anything is better than what we are living on now!!... You know what I can't stand? When pregnant people whine and complain about EVERYthing. Ugh. Moving away from the constant pregnant women would be nice too, because they're driving me nuts. In adoption news, Miss H hasn't contacted me since I've been back, even though I've texted her and emailed her. Enough is enough, really. I'm so confused... I don't know what the heck is going on?! Should I wait for a response to my emails!? Wtf. I don't know where this relationship went off the hinges, but it doesn't feel anything like it did in the beginning. I'll give her some time to respond and then see what happens. In fertility news, right now I'm wondering when the heck is my period gonna start?? I haven't tried naturally inducing it yet, but I'm emotional and my nipples HURT. I took a pregnancy test just in case by some miracle I had gotten pregnant without trying with meds yet!! But it was negative. So I'm sitting here with sensitive nipples (lol) and I want to cry and/or yell at Zay about something. And no period to explain anything. I went to see my thyroid doctor and she told me to stick with a half pill and to increase the protein in my diet (she weirdly suggested this after "asking" my body questions to see what it needed....hmmmmmm). I listened and I've been eating lots of eggs and chicken. I just barely started exercising again. I feel so fat and unattractive and unmotivated. I've gotta change that... It looks like our LDSFS caseworker changed back to the one we had before... the one I didn't much care for. So I emailed her and updated her on what's going on with us and asked when we could do our home study visit. Haven't heard from her yet. But that visit is necessary to being approved again, so we'll have to suck it up and have our home critiqued again, and by the new/old caseworker who I didn't feel very good about the first time around. Ugh. This whole process is so painful. I'm so glad we won't be subjecting ourselves to the adoption torture chamber for much longer. I wanna make my own dang babies.

Next fertility post: Clomid Cycle #1

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