Saturday, April 19, 2014

I Used to Love Adoption

A year ago, we were so excited to be adopting again. We were just starting to get to know possible birthmom D and we were thrilled beyond belief. Everything felt so perfect. A whirlwind of happiness and excitement. Life was just great. We were only approved a few months before, but here we go again! Another baby boy!

FAIL.

Oh, what could've been... I don't think we'll ever know what happened that changed her mind. The worst kind of goodbyes are the ones that are completely left unspoken. That was the most devastating heartbreak I'd ever experienced. I thought I was prepared for it, but I wasn't. I tried to grieve when I didn't really know how to grieve. I developed severe anxiety, was diagnosed with a thyroid condition, and tried to move on... but struggled very obviously.

Possible birthmom Miss H came along and helped me heal from the wound we'd just experienced. She was so understanding and helped me realize that good things could still be on the way. And then... they weren't. Good things did NOT happen. Again, a failed adoption. UGH. I didn't even fully understand her reasons for changing her mind, but at least she told us, right?

The feeling of rejection is overwhelming. How many times can you keep smiling and saying things are gonna be great! and this is gonna work out! when they don't turn out great and it doesn't work out? I'm jaded, I can tell you that much. A year ago, I was thrilled about adoption and totally on the adoption train... hoping to ride off into the sunset with a brand new baby. Today, I overwhelmingly feel like - SCREW ADOPTION! That's fair, right? I'm giving myself permission to feel that way. Hate it, hate it, hate it all!

Something deep, deep down inside of us is keeping our adoption profile up right now. But on the surface, we think it sucks majorly and want to close that chapter FOR-EV-ER. So, while that battle rages on in our minds, we're still officially "hoping to adopt." But... I'm approaching it with folded arms and giving it the evil eye! Adoption, you've not been good to me.

I'm fully prepared to distract myself with fertility treatments, dangit. I've decided the disappointment of failed fertility treatments is the lesser of the two evils.

Also, chopping my hair always helps me feel better. :) (Yay for Kal, the photo-bomber... tee hee)


*** Inspired by Mama Kat's writing prompt: "What were you writing about last year at this time? What has changed?" 

Mama’s Losin’ It





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