Wednesday, April 16, 2014

"I'll Have a Baby for You"

Photo: www.nytimes.com

I don't know how many times someone has off-handedly declared that they would have a baby for me. I always laugh because 1) no you wouldn't and 2) that's not necessary. I think people have good intentions when they say something like that, but really... it doesn't help. It's nice to know people care and like to think they would make that kind of sacrifice for another, but no... really you most likely wouldn't... and even if you really would do it, you shouldn't.

I don't need or want a surrogate, if that's what you're offering. That's a complicated legal/ethical matter that I'm not comfortable with personally. And if I had the money to do in vitro and I felt okay with it, I'd be doing it on myself... not someone else.

And if you didn't mean surrogacy, but just meant that you'd conceive a baby, give birth to them, and then give them to me... I don't think so. Even a lot of women who find themselves pregnant in awful circumstances can't bring themselves to place their baby for adoption, even if they thought they should. What makes you think you could do it? I sure as heck don't want you off sleeping with a random guy to get pregnant "for me." Ummmmm, no. That wasn't the point of us adopting. It wasn't just to heal our situation and give us a child, no strings attached or by any means necessary. The point wasn't just to have someone randomly have a baby for us. It wasn't all about us. There's a child and a mother and a father to think about when you decide to go out and "make a baby" for me... that is heavy stuff, not something to joke around about or take lightly - "oh, I'll just have a baby for you" isn't that simple.

We went into adoption knowing it means a lot more than someone just creating a child for someone else. Kal wasn't just a gift from one person to another. It's so much more complicated than that. Adoption is difficult, but something we felt we needed to be a part of. Something spiritual. And it was, and has been. Adoption has taught us a whole heck of a lot about redemption and sacrifice and love and family. He wasn't created in a vacuum and he didn't come to us with a "clean slate." He has biological ties and they're not to us. That's complicated, even if it's beautiful. There's no need to go out and purposefully create more complicated. That doesn't make any sense. Complicated happens already - it happened to us when it really sunk in that we weren't able to make biological babies at the time we were trying and it happened to Kal's birthmom when she realized she was in a situation she didn't set out to be in and wasn't ready for. We both tried to do the best with what we had/knew at the time and adoption was the answer. That's what adoption is about, not just about us and what we want. Not just about creating a baby for us at any cost.

Sooooo, thanks. But no thanks. :)





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