Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Life Lately

Kal, where are you?? Oh, there you are. On the counter getting some cereal, of course.

I've gotten out of the habit of writing! It's only been a couple weeks, but usually I'm always down for some blogging. I always have something to say! Ha ha. Life has just been crazy and I've had a lot to process, so it's been hard to focus.

First let me mention that my small business The Fat Squid is officially over and done with. If I could vent about why that went down the drain, I would. But if I don't have anything nice to say, I shall say nothing at all. For awhile there it bothered me that there were soooooo many good ideas left undone. So much potential. Grrr.... Let me just stop now. It's over. Done.

We found a new home for my kitties and that was hard, but necessary. For a few weeks afterwards, it felt like something was missing. An uneasy feeling. Both Zay and I would mention that we'd still see the cats out of the corner of our eye sometimes. It was an overall good thing, though. So we're moving on from that. Much easier to let go of cats after having to let go of babies! Let me tell ya.

I've gotten to the point where I don't think about our failed adoptions daily anymore. In both instances I was able to see pictures of the baby. So adorable. SO could've been mine. Thought they were going to be. But time has helped me process it all. And I've learned a lot. About ourselves, about adoption, about grief, about motherhood, about people. There were so many red flags in both situations, but of course I jumped in emotionally with both feet. How could I not? Now I feel stronger and I think I could be more realistic about my expectations if we continued to pursue adoption.

If. That's still a big huge "if." Mainly because I'm not sure it's the direction we should go anymore. I know we want to pursue fertility treatments. And I know we will do foster care eventually. But outright adoption, right now? I don't know. The right situation would have to come out of left field and take us by surprise. I just don't see it happening. Also, our adoption budget has been spent. We don't have any savings for it at this point. All our money is going into fertility treatments. So, if we adopted we'd have to go into debt to do it. Which we'd consider if it was the right situation. But not getting into debt is preferable.

We'll be moving at the end of this month. Moving means we'll have to decide whether to update our homestudy for our new place or not. Should I just not do it? I'm kinda leaning towards NOT. We'll see. Can a baby just drop out of the sky, please? Or can I just be done with adoption? Because... it's too hard.

I've been hugely stressed about the moving thing. We needed something bigger, less expensive, and close to Zay's job. And it was near impossible to find what we were looking for. We finally found a place TODAY and that was a huge relief. I had seriously been stressing when I'm trying to DE-stress, dangit! But now I can relax and start packing. Being productive rather than worrying.

This new place will be the last apartment we will have in Utah. So that makes me super duper happy! The goal/plan now is to spend this last year in Utah enjoying everything and everyone we will miss when we leave. And all the money we'll be saving on rent at this new place will be dumped into fertility treatments and saving for a cross-country move next summer! I'm so excited about all of this!!!

Moving out of state next year will mean that we won't be doing hair anymore. We'll leave all our hair clients stranded. Part of me is so excited about this, lol. And part of me feels so obligated to people that I feel bad! Seriously, no one knows how to do black folks' hair here. We are basically the only option for people! Come on, Utah. Someone else needs to step up and take over when we're gone! Oh, and I'll also miss the money. For serious.

I'm applying to be a volunteer at an animal shelter. I'm hoping it will expand my horizons about what kind of job I want to get when we move to Georgia. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, so I'm gonna give working with animals a shot! I do plan to work when we move next year, so my stay-at-home motherhood will eventually come to an end. It's been amazing, but not working has driven me a little tiny bit cRaZy. I'm excited to see how our lives change over the next couple years. Lots of changes are gonna happen!

We're still getting testing done at the fertility clinic before starting treatment. Zay did his semen analysis yesterday (fun! ha ha) and I'm scheduled for a dye test on Friday to check for any physical blockages in my tubes. I'll write about all that eventually! All I know is that I feel so confidant that this is going to work. That we'll be able to get pregnant if we just keep at the treatments. It'll work. And it'll work without in vitro. I may be delusional and setting myself up for another huge disappointment, but I don't care at this point. It all feels right and I'm going with that feeling. If I don't have a dream, what's the point of living??

Speaking of dreams, mine have been really specific lately. Twin girls. That's what I want. That's what I think about at night... I doodle their names all the time (of course I have baby names picked out, lol). I think my mom must have put that in my subconscious, because she keeps saying she wants me to have the twin girls she always wanted but never had (I told her if that happens, she's definitely gonna have to come help with the babies!). This is what I wrote in my journal just recently:

"I think it's okay to dream. To hope. To imagine things we want. But when I'm disappointed, when my hopes are dashed... I get scared to dream or hope again. It hurts so badly. But I want to get pregnant. I'm gonna say that out loud and write it in my journal and own it. It's my dream, my hope: I want to get pregnant. And I want twin girls. Is it silly to hope for something so specific? Yes. And I'd honestly be happy if I got pregnant with a healthy baby, no matter the # or the gender! But I'm allowing myself to be silly and to dream. Because if I don't hope, if I don't dream, then what's the point? Life would be meaningless."

I'll also add that I'd honestly be happy if I didn't get pregnant either. If I came to the realization that it wasn't going to happen and that we should just focus all our energy on raising Kal only, it would be okay. My happiness is not dependent on these fertility treatments working out. It's just what I'm dreaming about lately. And it's okay to dream. I think God wants to hear what's in my heart. He wants us to hope for things. Life rarely goes as planned, and my dream may amount to nothing. But I'm not gonna let life beat me down and tell me not to hope for something. I can't live that way.

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