Wednesday, June 11, 2014

I'm Exhausted

There's a million things I could write about right now... that I want to write about... fun family things we've been doing, all the happiness I've been experiencing lately at this point in my life, but something's bugging me and I am just too dang exhausted to think.

I'll start with this video... "Seek the Good." The third story, specifically... about seeking the good after a failed adoption, hits home for me. I follow The R House blog and it was kinda cool to see her talking about her experience.

"Seek the Good" Video:

I'm practicing seeking the good when my world gets turned upside down. It works. Gratitude in any circumstance works. Loving people when they let you down works. The hard part is remembering that when you're hurting.

So, what's bugging me is... I lost a friendship recently and I've never had someone genuinely hate me so much, especially after I spent so much time trying to support her in her life's pursuits. I'm just so confused about what she thought I was doing/saying that ticked her off so badly. Because I didn't say or do or even think the things she's accusing me of. I was always encouraging her and wishing the best for her and helping her in any way that I could, even if that meant washing her dishes or loaning her money. Whatever she needed, whenever she needed it, I was always there for her. At any point in time, if she called me up and needed something from me, I would make time to make sure I helped her if I could. That's just the small stuff. There were some really BIG things I did for her too and I don't think I ever heard a word of gratitude for how much I went out of my way to show her I cared.

She has poured so much energy into hating me when I haven't said a word to her. I've been minding my own business since she decided to "break up" with me. I'm not going to beg someone to be my friend if they don't want me in their life. What sense would that make? I'm not in desperate need of friends who support me and treat me right. I surround myself with those kind of people every day. I honestly/genuinely don't want someone in my life if they aren't that type of person and don't want to give as much as they take in a friendship. She was not the friend I thought she was going to be. Very poor judge of character on my part, but I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. I definitely didn't get the same treatment from her, just a twisting of my words and always assuming I was being sarcastic when I expressed genuinely nice/caring things towards her.

Sometimes friendships don't work out and that's fine. There's no point in hanging onto a friendship that is meant to only be temporary or that obviously isn't working. People drift apart. Different people take their place. That's life, that's normal. But to end it on such a bad note was just so childish and unnecessary.

So, with everything else going on... I've been dealing with that too. I normally don't let people into my life who are going to bring a bunch of drama with them, but somehow she managed to sneak into my life under my radar and I was too nice and let her get away with sub-par friendship. Now she hates me and I'm left confused and trying to figure out how I could've been any more nice to a person like her than I was. There's no dealing with irrational people, though. You've just gotta move on. Learn from your mistakes and make better choices in the future. Let people self-destruct and deal with the consequences of their own actions, but be the better person and walk away. And continue to seek the good and learn the lesson before me.

I learned a lot about forgiveness with our failed adoptions. Forgiveness after what feels like heart-wrenching rejection/betrayal is the hardest thing I've ever had to learn to do. Losing a so-called "friend" after that doesn't even compare, but it's still exhausting emotionally. Especially when I have so many other things on my mind.

It's honestly not worth my time/energy/emotion, though. I'm worth way more than that. So I'm trying to breathe through it and let it go and move on. I was doing that just fine until she showed up again, trying to cause trouble. Hopefully it's over now, hopefully the beef is squashed. We needed to talk and we did, sort of. But I still don't think we understand each other. Maybe we never will, but that's okay.

I've got my own life to live rather than wasting time worrying about someone who doesn't have my best interest at heart. I've got a child to raise - we're still doing homeschool preschool ("play school") and trying to night potty-train. I've got health issues to address - I've lost 10 lbs so far, trying to lose 30 more! I have a husband and a home to tend to - including unpacking the last bit of boxes from our move (did I mention we love our new place??? and do I ever mention how awesome my husband is in supporting me and making me feel loved???). I've got a barber/salon business to run - which I've done successfully for 10 years. I have plans for my future, career-wise and with family planning...

I have no room for someone else's nonsense. The drama wears on me.

I'm a good person and a good friend and I deserve better. I have better.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  
Forgive them anyway.
            If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, alterior motives. 
 Be kind anyway.
            If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.
           If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  
Be honest and sincere anyway.
           What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. 
 Create anyway.
            If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  
Be happy anyway.
            The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  
Do good anyway.
         Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  
Give your best anyway.
         In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  
It was never between you and them anyway.
- Mother Teresa

Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you...
(Matthew 5:43-44)

I'll be doing some praying...

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