Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Fresh Courage Take

Back in January when it was plainly obvious that our second match wasn't going to work out, I started a blog post like this (one of the many I always start and rarely finish):

"So we're plunging right ahead with adoption plans. Open to new situations. Ready to see what happens in 2014. But very aware of the heartache another failed adoption could bring. Very aware of the flurry of hope when an expectant mother reaches out to us, followed by the reality of uncertainty that hits - because it is the most uncertain of anything we've ever undertaken and that reality does eventually hit us, followed by the terror of not knowing if each particular situation is THE ONE when a baby is born (how can you know? when it's not in your hands?)... and the painful disappointment when the moment comes when we realize it isn't going to work out how we hoped and imagined."

The second verse of "Come, Come, Ye Saints" sticks out in my mind every time I think I am SO DONE with trying to adopt, specifically the phrase "fresh courage take":

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right. 
Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight? 
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake; 
And soon we'll have this tale to tell--
All is well! All is well!

I didn't want to believe it - that all is well. I wanted to be angry. I wanted something to blame, so I blamed the entire adoption establishment, lol.

But as of this moment, the pain is gone. The heartache has eased and dissipated. Time has healed and here we are still. Life goes on. And I say that with a peace and joy that I know from experience now. I had to sink pretty dang low to know what true happiness really is. And that it comes from within. And that I have it already. It's a weird combination of feelings, but I know two things for certain: I love my life and my family of 3 and could die happy this very moment, content with everything I've been blessed with... and also, that I have more children coming to me. I just don't know the path they're going to take to get to me yet. I'm content, yet I know there is more to come. Does that make sense?

Maybe this is our "second wind"... or our last shot in the dark before the adoption door closes for us. I don't know. Man, I really really really wish I could see the future! But we're working from a really good place now. Whatever works out for us or whatever doesn't, it's going to be okay. But I'm not going to "shun the fight." Not now. Not when all is right and I know God never left us through it all. Failed adoptions weren't the end of the world after all. And maybe we shouldn't bite the hand that fed us. Adoption brought us a miracle before, it could do it again. Meanwhile, we're not going to put all our eggs (no fertility pun intended) in one basket - fertility treatments and foster care are still on the table as options for us. The details are still unclear about how and what and when and where we're going to pursue those two things, but we'll figure it out. We're not giving up on adoption, though.

Fresh courage take!

I'll leave ya with this oh-so-gorgeous pic of me and Kal. :)

Next adoption post: Our Adoption Profile

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