Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Car Trouble

Our car battery died a couple weeks ago. It was so dead that I couldn't change gears to get it in neutral to push it out of the carport to jump it off. I called my dad and was asking him if there was an emergency override way to get power to change the gears. I found out in some cars, yes actually. But not in mine. Turns out we needed a whole new battery because we hadn't changed ours in the 7 or so years we've had the car, so we went and got one. Problem solved.

Earlier this year I was taking Kal to a friend's birthday party in our minivan. All of a sudden, there was an odd sound under the hood... like a *pop*... and it started sloooowing down. I pulled over on the highway, got it towed to our mechanic, found out something (the water pump?) was rubbing up against the timing belt until it snapped, and we got it fixed. Problem solved.

Kal in the tow truck. I think he's counting. :)

These may seem like normal inconveniences for some, but for me they trigger something. I want to say it's an irrational fear about cars breaking down, but if I explained my childhood to you it wouldn't seem so irrational. Lol. It's more of a survival instinct from having death-trap cars growing up. Cars that would catch on fire on our way somewhere. Cars that would break down all the time and then we wouldn't have a way to school for weeks or months at a time. Cars that my mom got for free or paid someone 20 bucks for. Not reliable cars by any means.

So when my car breaks down now, I tense up and that fear rushes back that I won't have a way to school or work or church or to the grocery store or whatever. That I'll be trapped. That we won't have enough food in the house. That I won't be able to make up my schoolwork or graduate. That we'll have to bother someone to help us, again. And that no one will want to, because sometimes no one does.

I have to remind myself that I'm not in that situation anymore. I'm not in high school. Zay has a job to provide for us. We have two reliable cars. When something goes wrong, it's not a death sentence. We have a great mechanic who is trustworthy. It will get fixed and everything will be fine. We have money to pay for it. Everything's going to be okay. There's food in the house and we're in walking distance of anything we need. We have a huge support system of friends and church members who would go out of their way for us, the same way we would for them.

Sometimes I think back to how rough my brothers and I had it and don't really know how we even survived. Zay came along and saved me, honestly. If it wasn't for him, my younger brother and I wouldn't have had a ride to school for a long time there. The bus didn't run all the way out to where we lived (in the sticks). If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have known how much I was worth and what I could do. He has loved me unconditionally from Day 1. When I told him I wanted to go to college across the country, he sold his most prized possession (his car) and bought a van to pack all our stuff in and drove across the country into the unknown with me.

He continues to save me. Reassuring me that we "got out." That we don't have to live the same way. That we've educated ourselves and made choices to remove ourselves from the struggles we once faced. God sent Zay to me, I know that for a fact. And the little bit of car trouble we've had this year reminded me of how far we've come together.

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