Thursday, December 25, 2014

Behind

I always feel like I'm behind on blogging. Whatever that means. Like there are rules to this or something. :) ... I have tons to say, all the time. But I'm silent, because I haven't even written about Thanksgiving yet and it's almost January!!! So I get stuck and can't blog until I "catch up."

I decided today (5 minutes ago), that I'd sit down and write without a plan. Just write. About whatever comes to mind. So here I am.

Right this moment, Zay is watching basketball in the living room. Kal is like, "Mom! Mommy! Mama!" in my ear as I'm trying to take just ONE TINY ITTY BITTY BREAK TO MYSELF - CAN I JUST HAVE THAT PLEASE?! Lol. I type one word, he has me blowing up a balloon. I get a sentence out, he has me cocking back his nerf gun cuz he's too weak to shoot it on his own. Over and over. For each nerf (are they called nerfs? or just darts? I don't know...). I just had to kick him out cuz I couldn't handle that nonsense. We've been playing ALL DAY. Lol. The plight of a mother...

This Christmas is gonna go down as the best one ever. Everything about it I loved. We spoiled the crap out of Kal just because we wanted to. Just because if life won't give us more than one kid - what else are we supposed to do but spend all our time and energy and money on making his Christmas the BEST EVER??

In general, I don't like spending money or getting kids lots of gifts... it kind of goes against my nature. I'm not a shopper. I don't think kids need a million "things." I'm not trying to raise another entitled, lazy moocher. He's gonna learn how to be happy with what he has. And to give to others.

But this Christmas... we just went crazy. And got him everything he asked for and plenty more, without reservation. And his grandmas sent him awesome gifts. And this whole morning we were sitting in a big fat wasteful pile of toys and plastic and cardboard and wrapping paper. And grinning from ear to ear that we could do something like that for him. More than what we had as kids.

Everything was amazing. We've been waiting for snow. It has sprinkled snow a couple times so far this year, but usually by this point we are COVERED in snow and it stays till March or April. I'm not a huge fan of the snow, but dang! We need snow on Christmas or it just ain't right! We waited and waited... Then two days ago I saw a winter storm warning pop up on my computer! Woot woot! Last year, that was no fun cuz Kal and I were traveling. Staying home for Christmas this year was the best choice ever. So much less stress. So relaxing. So happy. The winter storm warning said it would start pouring down snow in the middle of the night Christmas Eve... I woke up this morning, held my breath, peaked out the window - AND THERE WAS SNOW EVERYWHERE. A Christmas miracle! Funny how Mother Nature had us learn a little patience there and then made Christmas even more magical than it's already been.


Zay and I stayed up really late last night putting Kal's "big" present together - a train table. It was so fun to talk about how much he was going to like it and just get to work together on something and talk like that. Made me happy. :) We watched The Santa Claus and Home Alone and The Grinch. We have made Christmas cookies and hot chocolate and I'm still working on our Christmas dinner - got a big ole turkey in the oven we'll be eating soon. We went to go see Santa (which Kal doesn't really understand because we don't really talk about Santa) and Kal told him he wanted "a plane and a train."

Work has been great. Our Christmas party was extravagant and Zay and I got dressed up (which is so not me - or him - but was fun!) and I won a $400 phone upgrade. Yay! I decided to do the responsible thing and pay off the phones we already have instead. I got my first ever Christmas bonus too. I'm moving on up, yall. Ha ha. Having a good job has been such a stress reliever. An unexpected blessing. Zay signing up for full-time school next semester is exciting. Him quitting his job in the meantime has been AWESOME. I've had my husband home for the holidays for the first time ever. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that he has worked retail jobs our entire marriage and now he is DONE for good. Ahhh! That makes me so happy!

Some things I've been hanging onto from my past I've finally let go. We've all got something that nags us from years ago until we get it cleared up (at least I THINK we all do - am I the only one??). And sometimes there's nothing you can do to resolve it except the passage of time. Time has healed a lot of my wounds and I'm here on Christmas 2014 as happy as ever. A year ago I was sinking into despair and didn't see any light or hope... just grief and darkness and fear and regret. What a difference this last year has made! It's almost a distant memory.

Like... I've seriously felt JOY this holiday season. Over and over. It's been awhile. A lot of times I'm "faking it till I make it" or smiling to cover up the pain or just trying to get through each day. Not today. Today I feel like me. Today I've let it all go. Today I feel joy. And not just today. Consistently I'm smiling. Consistently I'm grateful for what I have. Regularly I'm finding myself completely lost in a moment of pure happiness. I laugh again. A LOT. I'm a laugher. This is me and I'm so glad to be back.







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