Monday, December 8, 2014

Feelin' Like Myself Again

Anybody tired of me talking about failed adoptions and how they ripped my heart apart and left me distrustful and anxious and paranoid and bitter and sad and just a wee bit crazy??? Yeah, me too. But it sucked and completely took the wind outta me and I've been healing with a whole lotta self-care. ... And what about my thyroid? Tired of hearing about that too? Yeah, me too. But it's something that I'm aware of now and am actively trying to treat... so, I'm healing.

I finally feel like I'm completely rested... restored back to my usual chipper, happy, goofy, hyper self. Which is weird, cuz I'm working now and I should be exhausted, right? Nope. I love my job. I feel like myself again, except now I've got stay-at-home mommyhood under my belt. I feel like I did that justice and I'm so happy to see Kal doing well at school now. Our time at home together ended on a happy note.

Trying to get pregnant this year has been an interesting experiment. I'm super into supplements now. I've learned a lot about our fertility issues. Got some important things done - like an ultrasound to confirm that I actually do have PCOS (yep, I do), an HSG test to check my fallopian tubes for any blockages (nope, none), finding a good doctor to help with my thyroid and hormonal imbalance, etc. I didn't get pregnant, but I feel better. I'm eating better. I'm exercising again. Baby steps (no pun intended).

Taking care of yourself can feel selfish, but I'm getting over that. I said "no" a lot this year. And I'm much better at that now. I don't have to do everything for everybody and all at once, I have to remind myself.

Big de-stressors from this year: finding a new home for our cats, moving to the place we're living now, saying "no" to people requiring more things of me, putting Kal in pre-school, finding an awesome job, Zay quitting his, etc. This has been a really good year for making positive changes to a better quality of life, better health, and better overall happiness for us.

Baby stuff can stress me out, so I probably shouldn't have focused as much time thinking about it as I have, but that's okay. There's a reason we keep hanging in there with adoption and a reason we keep prepping our bodies to make a baby. There's a reason we keep being nudged towards foster care. Something is going to happen. 2015 is gonna be our year. All these changes we're making are preparatory to something happening, I'm just not sure what that is yet.

Now that I'm rested and feelin' like myself again, I've got all the energy in the world to take on whatever life is going to bring me. I've got a little bit of my faith in humanity back. I've got my motivation back. Might even be a tad bit hopeful. :) Even though we haven't been able to decide definitively how to pursue growing our family (from day-to-day we change our minds), we're ready for something.

We're waiting for something to stand out. For God to show us which way to go. For something big and obvious to happen so we'll know. But whatever that is... whatever story God is writing for us, it's gonna be awesome.


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