Monday, December 15, 2014

What NOT to Say


For a few years there, I felt like I avoided all the infertility talk. Like I had graduated from that club. We adopted, our son looks like us (so nobody just assumes off the bat that we're an adoptive family), we weren't actively pursuing any fertility treatments at all, and I didn't have to endure too many ignoramuses commenting on my body or my husband's or our ability to make a baby. It was nice. I had never felt driven to make my own babies anyway. Adoption is where it's at, yall! :)

This year has been the year of getting back into the fertility game. And I sure don't like it. But trying to adopt a second time has been one big letdown after another. And Kal needs a sibling and he's gonna be FOUR in March. And time keeps on ticking. And omg, what if my eggs dry up and die??? Shouldn't I REALLY try one more time to use them??? Eeek! What if it would've only taken a few IUIs to get pregnant? What if it would've only taken one cycle of IVF? Shouldn't I care that I'm getting older? Should I be freezing my eggs or something? AhhhH! Fertility madness/ biological clock ticking.

I'm a pretty open person. If someone asks how I'm doing, I'll tell 'em what I'm up to. So, this year that meant I was trying to get healthy so I can make a baby and deciding if and/or when I should pursue more aggressive fertility treatments (I sure don't wanna do IVF, but I'm thinking it might be our only option, really). If it's on my mind constantly, that's what's gonna come out when you ask me how I'm doing. And it's on my mind constantly.

Now I'm just thinking I should keep it to myself. Because people's advice and opinions drive me nuts and I shouldn't open myself up to the nonsense anymore. I know a lot of infertile people DO keep it to themselves and they feel alone and depressed and don't have a clue that there are many, many people in the same boat as them. I don't feel that way. I know I'm not alone. I'm not depressed. I've got the whole infertility acceptance thing down. I know where to find my infertility community when I need 'em. I just hate being the spokesperson for it... for people who don't have a clue and don't know what to say and wanna pat me on the head and say, "Awww... it'll happen." I just can't even deal with that right now. I'm over it. So, my mouth is shut for awhile. It ain't nobody's business. I'm taking back my uterus. It's no longer up for discussion. (In real life... cuz I'm sure I'll still talk about it on the blog, ha ha).

In case you're here and you don't know how annoying it can be to be patronized by people when you mention your infertile status, here's an analogy...

"So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?" (author unknown)

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!

2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralyzed, but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.

7. So... when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!

9. But don't you *want* to walk?

10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.

11. You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.

18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. ...And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running...





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